have you ever wanted to look like a low-polygon woman in a 1996-1997 FPS? WELL NOW YOU CAN, THANKS TO KD FANCY DESIGN!

I know this is a fetish thing but I can't look at it and not think that it's only one step away from a decent Lara Croft cosplay

look, you can see it, right?

I think I had to shoot a bunch of these evil girls in an N64 game once.
just draw this in 320x240 with a shit framerate and an overly complicated controller, and it could practically be Perfect Dark 1.5

the problem with my brain (well, one of the many many problems with my brain) is that I once saw someone joking about how a lot of anime/comic-book girls are wearing tops SO TIGHT AND FORM-FITTING that when they take them off, they'd have to look like they have "boob socks"

as in they're not flat or even designed for a chest, they're flat but with special tubes coming out to fit around each breast separately.
and "boob sock" is clearly the funniest way to say that.

but it means when I see things that actually look like that, my brain immediately starts seeing a B52s - Love Shack parody called "BOOB SOCK"

the boob sock is a little old place where
your breasts can't get together
boob sock baby
boob sock, baby boob sock!

some part of my brain is obsessed with the idea that there's clothes you have to censor.

usually you'd blur or cover up people for not wearing enough clothes
but no, there's clothes that are NSFW.

ANYWAY before everyone gets the impression I'm a latex fetishist (which I'm not, in fact I'm weakly allergic to latex, but being one is fine: you do you), this is actually reddit's fault.

See, there's a reddit I like called "bad women's anatomy"

which is full of artists and writers and terrible misogynist forum commentators who do not understand how women's bodies (and minds) work and keep showing their ignorance to the world.

and today, r/CmdrNorthpaw posted a quote from a book, with a woman getting a breast-erection:
https://www.reddit.com/r/badwomensanatomy/comments/icqoux/apparently_boobs_get_boners_now_am_so_confused/

which might just be a really badly phrased way to say something like "her nipples perked up" but it sounds like the whole breast is somehow becoming... inflated.

so I was thinking that it'd be hilarious to do this visually.
And one way to do it would be to get some inflatable breasts and hook them up to an air pump, so they can quickly inflate.
Then have someone flat chested wear them under a shirt, then SPROING! insta-breasts.

so naturally the first place I checked for weird inflatable breast things was aliexpress, because I like to actively make my day worse and weirder.

anyway now I'm on aliexpress and it keeps showing me things where I'm not sure how or why they work and I don't think I really want to know.
I just have a lot of questions that shouldn't be answered.

I'm not sure this is what "ribbed for her pleasure" was supposed to mean, guys

this one got linked because it says "inflation" but it seems to really just be this person wearing plaid and eating banana yoghurt shrimp chips, which is a lot of flavors all at once

is this a fetish thing?
oh yeah, wear plaid and eat complicated potato chip flavors!

this one is supposed to be a "macropenis" inflatable sex doll but I'm just obsessed with how it looks like it should be from team america: world police

please stop stuffing your latex fetish wear onto mannequins. I understand that real models are expensive and also there may be issues with having to censor it but IT'S JUST SO WEIRD TO SEE FETISH MANNEQUINS

our fetish gear for your vaguely disturbed kinda androgynous mannequin IS ALSO AVAILABLE IN YELLOW!

if you get too close to our 100 polygon gimpsuit fembot*, she'll stab you with her daggernipples.

* I used to play bass for gimpsuit fembot!

I like how the hands are raised like "what the hell, man?! you gave me broken ankles and a crotchzipper?"

I'm sure it makes sense from another angle but the default picture they used for this chastity cage makes it look like this is not designed for human penises.

which is nice of them to sell, it's hard to get good BDSM gear for martians, at least on this planet.

this is a body suit they're selling as "adult DDLG play" but I'm pretty sure given some of the design elements, that this is just a costume for some forgotten scifi/action show.

oh god the last two items now have it suggesting a mix of photoshopped DDLG/ABDL onesies and really frightening CBT gear and I NEED A SAFEWORD FOR ALIEXPRESS

what? how is that supposed to be a sex toy?
wait, there's a second picture... ok that doesn't help much either. I'm gonna go with my "alien" explanation rather than reading the text because I don't want to know either .

clearly it's designed for WRIST TORTURE, which I hear is very common in BDSM circles.

my favorite part of looking at BDSM listings on aliexpress is that obviously they can't show you how it's actually supposed to work, so they show it being used in other ways, and I'm briefly transported to a world where a lot of people use complex metal BDSM devices on fingers

ahh yes, that's how that works.
you have the... spheres, and the circle, and the cone, and the metal rods squish the fingers!

either that or they DON'T try to show how it works so you get this weird logic puzzle where I feel like I should be trying to collect all the pages so I can free some guys from a book their dad trapped them in

ahh, I just should have scrolled down!
You use it on strawberries, of course. I should have guessed.

see my other aliexpress-sex-fruits thread for more details on how this works: https://twitter.com/Foone/status/1287521907982471168

AMERICANS WILL USE ANY MEASUREMENT SYSTEM EXCEPT THE METRIC SYSTEM

frankly I don't know how humans even had sex before the invention of the hinged boards with a hole in 'em.
It's just such a basic requirement, you know?

OH MY GOD THE SEX BUCKET HAS MADE ITS RETURN

ah-ha! I knew I had posted about the sex bucket before. https://twitter.com/Foone/status/1287541508929855488

these are just magnetic balls. I know you have some NSFW pictures of them being used on sex toys (which I wish I could post because WOW) but you're just selling something you can get at your local toy store, BUT SEXY-LIKE

temporary tattoos, BUT SEXY.
well, BDSM-sexy. They didn't go for any obvious vanilla sex things, just leaned into the BDSM-slave angle.

Also now I want to scan these: I bet half of them will ring up as a can of pineapple chunks.

please do not have cloud-connected sex toys. I know teledildonics is an exciting idea for many, especially in these current times, but you're just asking to have your device bricked and/or your personal data leaked.

or maybe I'm misinterpreting the name.
maybe it's a "cloud female intimate massager" because it's designed for massaging girl!cloud strife intimately?

what the glorious banana cream salad fuck is a "horse eye stimulator", aliexpress?

this one is a little too NSFW for what I aim for but I just have too

please stop putting anime faces on your penis silhouettes.

LOCK THE CYLINDERS
LOCK THE CUBE
THIS IS STILL A SEX THING, WE PROMISE

if you want a textbook case in what could go wrong with the internet of things, in one simple image...

how about an app-controlled IoT chastity cage?

warning: discovering security holes in the bluetooth implementation this thing uses is technically kinkshaming

it comes in two colors:
LONG and Short

please don't describe your anal toys as having "in-depth gameplay", aliexpress.

a couple BDSM toys use these grainy painter-filter over what's clearly real photos, but this one (which I had to crop significantly) decided they should also censor the guy's face, but they did it with the Ghostface mask from the Scream films.

it's a sex toy so good you'll want to murder teenagers!
wait....

it then suggested this, right next to a bunch of penis-torture/confinement devices.
now, it might just be the algorithm fucking up, but I'm gonna pretend that no, this has some deeply kinky purpose I can only guess at.

fellas, is there anything sexier than a 3d printer hot end?

"personalized cuckolding shirt".

uhhhhhh

this one is supposed to just be an "I cuckold" temporary tattoo but I keep trying to read it like it's one of those "INY" things.
I antlers-shopping-woman cuckold? that makes no sense, man!

it then suggested a couple different antler-rings to me which I'd really like to @ a deer-furry-friend about but given that they're being sold right next to cuckolding stuff... this probably doesn't just mean "I LIKE DEER"

they had to mspaint some lines onto this one to explain it because they realized when taking the pictures that it doesn't look like a chastity device at all, at least not one for human sexual organs

it's too bad Tumblr went the way it did, or I'd be tempted to start up a somewhat NSFW gallery of dolls & mannequins in fetish gear, from aliexpress.

This is one of the few I can post here. they're all creepy.

I just saw the thumbnail and it was suggested next to Things, so I was like OH GOD WHAT IS THIS NOW

... it's a coffee cup. that's a wooden handle, not a dangling silicone donger. take a moment to rest.

so, there's this.
it's a sex thing. Apparently.
But the explanation is even more confusing.

ARE YOU TRYING TO ELECTROPLATE MY PENIS, ALIEXPRESS?

ok, clearly not.
anyone who did basic chemistry/electricity will realize they're trying to turn your penis into a battery, which is... exactly the same amount of weird.

although this one adds magnets to it, so I can only imagine they're trying to turn your penis into a simple DC motor.

nothin' sexier than a woman with a doily on her head

why did you have to demo the cock ring by photoshopping it onto the creepy flashing banana man

ok come on now.
first of all this isn't a very obvious sexy toy, right? supposedly it's for use on penises, because sometimes they need flattening (usually around 4pm), but also, wait, haven't I seen this before?

yeah it's a Jar Lifter, a common tool when you're doing canning

you use them because you have to heat up the jars and it keeps you from scalding your hands.

so it's a common thing you can get at your local coop or kitchen supply store for like 15$.
And you're selling it as a sex toy?

DID YOU JUST MAKE A TYPO AND YOU MEAN CANING, AS IN "HITTING PEOPLE WITH CANES"?

also when you google caning you find a picture of a caning test dummy and wow.

is there a People for the Ethical Treatment of Mannequins, Dummies, and Dolls that I could join? because man they're having a bad time today.

remember to always wear a mask in public!
flatten the curve, social distancing... maybe don't do it like this though.

ahh, here we see a woman who has forgotten the first rule of sex toys: take off your jeans first.

also that's a sex toy designed for someone with a penis. I'm not saying that's wrong, of course, but you don't see a lot of trans representation on aliexpress... I think they just picked the wrong picture.

just press the button here and their penis... arm? leg? that's a very generic appendage there. It's supposedly sexy, let's go with penis... press the button and their penis will enter a hellscape of lightning! this is how sex works!

finally your man can enjoy while training, and say Farewell to prospermia, do confident man!

here are the different intensity levels, apparently.

Here's another inexplicable "sex" toy, but don't worry, they provided detailed explanations for how it is supposed to be used.

sex toy, or boss in a shmup game?
I don't know, but I bet I can guess where the weak points are.

I think this is supposed to be an illustration of how jedi have sex

RUN! RUN FROM THE STEEL BALL!

two faceless mannequins are tied together, in silence.

weird way to sell a BDSM toy? or prog-rock album cover?
YOU DECIDE

look I know you're trying to dress up your questionably-faced sex doll in a way that makes her look less nightmarish, but it's supposed to be cat ears or bunny ears... NOT MICKEY MOUSE EARS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

"hey boss, our sales are down because the silicone sex dollars are way more realistic than our latex blow-up dolls!"
"well, make ours more realistic!"
"but how? we can't afford silicone..."
"I don't care how, just do it!"

they also include a saucy "in-use" picture.
can they even post this kind of hardcore action on aliexpress?
"sit on my lap while I finish this powerpoint presentation"

for 10 points, figure out where you're supposed to use this BDSM gear, before I reveal it a few posts from now.

it keeps showing me thumbnails like this and it takes a good 20 seconds of staring at it to figure out if it's supposed to be a sex toy or the algorithm just messed up.

this one is NOT a sex toy. I think.