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I have often said that tech and design men are big diaper babies and I would like to unreservedly apologize. Now that I have a diaper baby of my own, they are much more delightful and less whiny than tech and design dudes. I’m sorry, diaper babies, it wasn’t kind of me.
I had 9 excruciating rounds of IVF while dealing with precarious work for exhausting egomaniacs and sociopaths, which I had to do to pay for the IVF. My anxiety counselor told me she thought I might find parental leave comparatively chill, and so far she’s correct as hell.
This is not a joke, btw. I’ve had really bad career luck and so this is the longest I’ve gone in my life without being bullied, abused, or exploited, and my anxiety is like...gone? I have huge parenting anxiety but I think no more than normal. It’s weird to realize it wasn’t...me
I improved at boundaries during pregnancy, but also got lucky with work and projects. I find the PhD pretty fun so far, and I love teaching etc. And I know it could change tomorrow, but not a single day of parenting has been harder than toxic work environments and infertility
There have been times when it’s been horribly stressful, especially giving birth in a pandemic, crying every day for my mom, and I feel judged and shat on by other adults, but the BABY is not stressful because her needs are logical and the snuggles and smiles rule.
One thing that’s helped is that my problems (feeling totally incompetent and perpetually worried) are relatable, people respond by relating. Whereas 8 years of toxic stress and loss and grief led to so much advice by people who had zero clue how hard it was.
So I cannot stress this enough: y’all didn’t know shit. It’s not that this is easy at all, it’s that so many years of toxic, poisonous stress that I couldn’t just walk away from was absolutely torture and unwanted advice only compounded it, and I will hold this grudge always.
But seriously, if someone finds keeping a tiny and helpless human safe in a pandemic less stressful than trying to figure out your professional expectations and manage your work ego, you are the fucking virus.
I understand better now why women stop giving fucks after having kids. Because it becomes much easier to tell the difference between meeting someone’s needs (even when they’re constant!) and petty control fetishes. This baby needs me constantly and it’s fine!
