What Kombucha And Cottage Cheese Taught Me About Consent (a thread)

Arkcane and I do not like all the same foods and drinks. I like a pretty broad variety of foods, and my diet is limited far more due to health reasons than due to taste. Even so, there are some things I just don't like. Example: kombucha.

Arkcane convinced me to try kombucha once. I do like vinegar a lot, so it was reasonable for them to encourage me to try kombucha despite the smell. I took one sip and that was enough. No thank you.

On the other hand, there are some foods I thought I didn't like well into adulthood despite never trying them. Long story short, my mother has an extreme aversion to certain foods, and convinced me as a very young child that I did too.

One of those foods: cottage cheese. After I had nose surgery (turns out noses work better when air gets in them) I couldn't eat solid food for almost a week after.

Thanks to those dietary restrictions I mentioned, that meant days of nothing but protein shakes, Greek yogurt, and the two (2) soups we found that weren't carby enough to make me ill.

Sometime around day 4, Arkcane convinced me to try cottage cheese. I was extremely skeptical that something with that texture and smell could be good, but I desperately craved variety, so I tasted it. It has been one of my favorite snacks ever since.

I was definitely not enthusiastic about trying cottage cheese. I authentically wanted to try it, and for more reasons than I'm going to cram into a twitter thread. Arkcane did not coerce me into a taste test. They encouraged me when I needed it.

I mentioned kombucha earlier because the difference between encouragement and coercion does NOT depend on the outcome. I wasn't coerced into trying kombucha just because I turned out to hate it.

Arkcane offered me kombucha and cottage cheese (not together... ew) several times before I tried either of them. I said no. They let it go. Repeat offers were contextually appropriate - we were talking about food, they were having some themselves and they offered to share, etc.

The way the offer was delivered conveyed support for my agency. They didn't try to talk me into the choice they wanted. They encouraged me to ask the quedtion of myself, and make my own choice.

In retrospect I can see how these frequent, low pressure offers definitely helped my decision making process. Having many opportunities to try the food let me decide when I wanted to, and when I didn't. It helped that choice feel even more *mine*. (this helps picky kids too, btw)

This gets to the heart of why I hate the argument that enthusiastic consent is best practice for newbies. It's not. It teaches people to be lazy with their communication, and it oversimplifies the complexities of a crucially important concept.

IMHO enthusiastic consent teaches kinksters to cling to the letter of the law while only barely touching on the spirit of the law. It minimizes and marginalizes all those experiences of athentically wanting something, yet feeling unenthusiastic about it...

...and that's not just relevant for edge play or "only more advanced kinksters."

It's relevant for new partners wanting to try each other's favorite kinks but feeling nervous about venturing into unfamiliar territory. It's relevant for "experienced kinksters" trying something new to them.

It's relevant for anyone trying to support someone through something unfamiliar or difficult or challenging.

Teaching newbies that enthusiasm is the only answer won't stop coercion. It will just motivate people to be better at coercing.

We need to teach people how to encourage - how to support someone in making their own decisions. We need to teach that authentic consent must be informed, that it must not be coerced, and that it can look different for different people and in different situations.

TL;DR - enthusiastic consent is not the best way to teach newbie kinksters...

...because kombucha is gross and cottage cheese is great, and I'm so glad I tried both.