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Some thoughts on grief and communication (a thread).
As someone currently experiencing a very challenging situation, it’s been eye-opening to receive a range of responses from people reaching out to lend support.
As someone currently experiencing a very challenging situation, it’s been eye-opening to receive a range of responses from people reaching out to lend support.
Most overtly, it’s apparent how little we talk about grief in the US. I have received many messages (I appreciate them all!) but it’s eye opening to realize how little tools we are given to lean on during crisis.
We need to talk about this. My sister and I are the sole two people communicating with my father’s doctors and nurses. That means a lot of people are relying on us for updates.
This is difficult because the two people experiencing the most trauma (me and my sister) are also responsible for the labor of updating others. While we are happy to do this, we don’t have bandwidth for consoling others who are centering themselves in this moment.
We have had relatives and friends of my father reach out to us, wanting us to console and reassure them. This is really tricky. We are empathetic w/ everyone who is experiencing grief & anxiety in the aftermath of our father’s event.
However, we are not the right people to lean on for support right now. It’s very hard — but still important! — to take a beat before asking the children or parents of the afflicted person to take care of you.
As far as friends, acquaintances & strangers who want to reach out and lend support, please know I am grateful to everyone to has offered a kind word. If you are not close to me, please don’t ask how I am. Not good!
Also, please don’t ask what you can do. I don’t know! Probably nothing. The people who have really touched me have done something kind without asking me first.
This could be just dm’ing me a a funny video, sending a door dash gift certificate, or a kind text letting me know that that they are looking out for me. Not surprisingly, POC’s and Black women seem to understand this more intuitively than white folx.
There is truly no judgement here. It’s just a response to the realization that there is no part of our culture that actively or openly engages with crisis:grief. Unless you have experienced trauma yourself or talking about grief is part of your work, there is no context for it.
I personally have avoided it my whole life and realize now in hindsight that there have been times when I haven’t shown up for people, even when I’ve genuinely wanted to because I was uncomfortable and mostly was insecure about not knowing how best to.
Lastly, I again want to thank everyone who has reached out. It means a lot, and I appreciate you. Stay safe and tell your people you love them.
