Looking forward to the GOP roll call:

ALABAMA: Roy Moore, legally standing a hundred feet outside a mall

ALASKA: Hunters lighting up caribou with AK-47s

ARIZONA: Joe Arpaio licking a taser

ARKANSAS: Tom Cotton smashing a bottle on a bar, daring the camera to fight...

Fine, fine, I'll keep going.

AMERICAN SAMOA: [delegates barred because Trump insists they're a Girl Scout cookie]

CALIFORNIA: Devin Nunes' cow

COLORADO: A can of room temperature Coors Light

CONNECTICUT: Lou Dobbs for some reason

DELAWARE: Biden's long-form birth certificate

DC: A canister of tear gas

FLORIDA: Ron DeSantis in a hazmat suit he somehow has on inside-out

GEORGIA: Brian Kemp holding a lit stick of dynamite

GUAM: [delegates barred because Trump hates Wrigley's]

HAWAII: A local official insisting it's actually part of America until the microphone is cut off

IDAHO: A tray of burnt French fries

ILLINOIS: Rod Blagojevich with an auctioneer's gavel

INDIANA: Bobby Knight, talking to an empty chair, screaming at an empty chair, kicking the living shit out of an empty chair

IOWA: A corn-dog cannon from the State Fair

KANSAS: Kris Kobach and his list of very real cases of voter fraud that he can't seem to find

KENTUCKY: Mitch McConn-BOOOOOOOO!

LOUISIANA: LSU Coach Ed Orgeron running through a tackling dummy with Joe Biden's face taped to it

MAINE: Susan Collins' slight disappointment

MARYLAND: The defense lawyer from "The Wire"

MASSACHUSETTS: Sully and White Pete outside a Dunkin, what the hell you lookin' at

MICHIGAN: A middle-aged Kid Rock, getting winded halfway through "Bawitdaba"

MINNESOTA: Michele Bachmann, that's right, America, Michele Bachmann!

MISSISSIPPI: A Confederate monument come to life

MISSOURI: The St. Louis gun couple

MONTANA: Greg Gianforte in a luchador mask

NEBRASKA: Ben Sasse, slowly edging out of the camera frame

NEVADA: [NSFW story recounted in Michael Cohen's book]

NEW HAMPSHIRE: [postponed due to bad weather]

NEW JERSEY: Chris Christie, directing traffic in Fort Lee

NEW MEXICO: Someone insisting that "the wall should have been to the south, please, sir, we're Americans, please"

NEW YORK: The hosts of "Fox & Friends," but Kilmeade has somehow caught his head in a blender

NORTH CAROLINA: The Duke Blue Devil mascot slapping the floor

OHIO: Jim Jordan in an OSU wrestling singlet

OKLAHOMA: A pile of slurry next to a fracking device

OREGON: Cliven Bundy, barricaded in Malheur again for some reason

PENNSYLVANIA: Just a paper sign that says "Wharton"

PUERTO RICO: A fresh roll of Bounty paper towels

RHODE ISLAND: Calamari, again

SOUTH CAROLINA: Lindsey Graham debating Lindsey Graham about Trump's character

SOUTH DAKOTA: Kristi Noem, sandblasting Trump's face onto Mt. Rushmore

TENNESSEE: Marsha, Marsha, Marsha

TEXAS: Ted Cruz, attacking his own wife and father

UTAH: A battered piñata of Mitt Romney

VERMONT: A guy with a Bernie Sanders cutout screaming "socialism" over and over

VIRGINIA: A torchlight parade in Charlottesville

WASHINGTON: [stricken from the roll call after a long argument with the president about how he doesn't live there]

WEST VIRGINIA: A lump of beautiful, clean coal!

WISCONSIN: The ghost of Joe McCarthy, even though he too is a little skeeved out by all this

WYOMING: The guy Dick Cheney shot in the face, introduced by the gun that shot him

(Apologies for leaving a state out)

NORTH DAKOTA: A guy dramatically coughing on the elderly Wal-Mart greeter who asked him to wear a mask