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So, the other day I realized, suddenly, that I had not thought about grad school or my research or any of those 7 years of my life in long enough that it felt like I forgot about them. Like they didn't happen. It felt odd, since it used to completely consume me.
I use the skills & knowledge I gained during my PhD during my job every day, and I even work with academics most days. (I'm a Learning Experience Designer for an online education company).
My PhD totally consumed me. It became all that I was, I lost myself to it in an unhealthy way and it took a lot of hard work to find out who I was separate from that.
This is something I've talked a lot about: https://katiewedemeyer.wordpress.com/graduate-student-advocacy/
This is something I've talked a lot about: https://katiewedemeyer.wordpress.com/graduate-student-advocacy/
I graduated just over a year ago, and I really really struggled with "not using my degree" when I was done. All that time, all those years that I had lost myself, nearly lost my marriage. It sucked.
Also, all those years that I got to do really really cool research, meet incredible people, and discover new things about endangered species that can help in their conservation. It wasn't all bad, but it's definitely shrouded in a dark cloud.
I now live in a place that my husband & I chose together, not because a job or school brought us here - because we brought us here (I recognize there is privilege here). We have friends who think it's cool what I studied, but we rarely talk about it because it does not define me.
Sure, fieldwork and my research in general made me who I am today. Grad school helped shape who I am today. I learned a lot during that time. But - it does *not* define me anymore. It is not all that I am.
For my mental health, this is a critical distinction. It may not be for everyone (and that's okay!) - but I am a person who can lose myself easily to an all-encompassing environment like academia. I outwardly thrive in it, but inwardly suffer.
I have a job I really like, that is fulfilling. I use my PhD, I get to help impact students, I get to work with people who enjoy teaching. I get to learn new things & help contribute to education.
I get weekends off, I get paid leave, I am required (by my company) to have work-life balance. I get paid well.
It is my job. I am good at it. I enjoy it. I feel like I'm making a positive difference. It does not define me. It's what I do, not who I am.
It is my job. I am good at it. I enjoy it. I feel like I'm making a positive difference. It does not define me. It's what I do, not who I am.
I am really freaking proud of myself. Proud that I gave up the immense pressure I felt to stay in academia because I was "good at it" (again, outwardly). Proud that I did not believe those who told me that if I wanted to have an impact that's where I had to stay*.
*Staying in academia has an impact too of course! The only right decision is what is right for you.
If you, like me, lost yourself to your PhD and feel stuck. If you struggle with finding another way to make a difference outside the academy - there is a place for you. There is healing. It's taken a lot of self-work, but there is healing.
And one day down the road you may find yourself, like me, forgetting those 7 years of your life that consumed you. You'll be able to recognized that they did shape you, but they do not define you. You are so much more.
I am grateful for the opportunities I had as a grad student, the lessons I learned, and the people I met along the way. I don't take that for granted.
They are part of me, but they don't define me.
https://katiewedemeyer.files.wordpress.com/2020/05/katie-ws-spectra-may-2020.pdf
They are part of me, but they don't define me.
https://katiewedemeyer.files.wordpress.com/2020/05/katie-ws-spectra-may-2020.pdf
