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Which Mario Kart Character Would Be the Best F1 Driver? A Thread.
Let’s first clarify that we’re using the characters from Mario Kart Wii, because it’s arguably the most popular Mario Kart game (and also it’s my favourite). This gives us 24 characters to whittle down to the all important winner.
To first be an F1 driver, one must be legally able to qualify as an F1 driver. To obtain a superlicence, you have to be 18 years of age. This automatically disqualifies the 4 baby characters, Bowser Jr, Toad and Toadette, and Diddy Kong.
Next: speed. Using the medium car The Sprinter’s speed stat (as it is the fastest medium car and also looks like an F1 car) and adding each character’s speed modifier, we can assign a ‘speed score’ to each character. The higher the score, the faster the driver.
We can also apply the same principle to handling, the other of the Mario Kart Wii stats that would be directly affected by a driver in a car. Again, the higher the score, the better. We can then add these two scores together to find an ‘overall score’ as seen in this spreadsheet.
Based on this spreadsheet alone, we can already start to see who would succeed in racing, however we’re not done yet. A large proportion of these characters are in the heavy weight category, which affects their chances of being hired by an F1 team as a driver.
The minimum weight requirement for F1 is 80kg (driver and seat). All the light characters are unlikely to meet this, as is the same for many of the medium characters. We know that when Hulkenberg was on the grid, he was the heaviest driver at 75kg, so drivers should
not be expected to be much heavier than this, as weight is a factor in the sport. Whilst the weights of all the heavy characters are unknown, we do know that Donkey Kong is a gorilla, and they weigh around 150/160kg.
The weight of each character affects how they collide with
The weight of each character affects how they collide with
each other in-game. When 2 heavy characters collide at the same speed, they both receive the same amount of backlash, indicating that they must be similar weights (see: the conservation of momentum). This means that all ‘heavies’ must be similar weights to a gorilla, essentially
disqualifying them from being a driver. This leaves us with a much smaller pool of potential candidates (pictured here next to their ‘overall scores’).
On the grounds of proportion alone, Dry Bones and Yoshi are eliminated as it would be very difficult to engineer a race-winning car to fit their tiny legs and huge backs. This leaves us with the human-shaped characters left.
Time to get personal. A large part of being an F1 driver is the sponsorship money. Both Mario and the Mii character have no personality (Mario’s lack of personality is to keep him consistent across all games, the Mii’s is just because...it’s a mii). This disqualifies them both.
Luigi has to be disqualified as he has time and again shown to be very afraid of a lot of things. This means that he is very unlikely to commit to every race-winning move possible, as it may involve danger, therefore he cannot be the best candidate for an F1 seat.
This leaves us with the two princesses: Peach and Daisy. Both would be great with sponsors, as they’ve spent their lives being diplomatic princesses, and would fit every other requirement seen above. So the question is, who is better?
For this answer we have to turn to hard facts. Peach’s ‘overall score’ is 90, but Daisy’s is 94, making her a much more qualified candidate.
With an outgoing and enthusiastic personality, the perfect stature, and an excellent set of driving skills, the Mario Kart character that would be the best F1 driver is, without a doubt, Daisy!
(Many, MANY thanks to @lilHamster97UK for helping me research for this thread. Did you know there’s nowhere that states you have to be a human to get a superlicence? I wouldn’t have if Ben hadn’t found out!)
