My community is really hurting right now. *I'm* really hurting right now. Grief is such a bewildering experience that goes beyond the expected pain, though. I am unfortunately very well-acquainted with it and I wanted to talk a little about what that means.

[Suicide]
When I was a kid, my dad died by suicide. I was given the idea that my own grief didn't matter, that other people (my mom had been in love with him! my older sister knew him longer!) mattered more and had more of a right to grieve.

This was wrong. Everyone who made me feel that way was wrong. Of course you want to be careful that you're not hurting someone else by leaning on them too hard, but your grief is real. Your pain is real. You have a right to it.

[Suicide]
A few years later, I found out a friend had also died by suicide and I cried out in shock and horror at the discovery. My mother got angry with me and said unless I'd been *sleeping* with that person, my reaction made no sense.

This was also wrong. Someone doesn't have to be a sexual or romantic partner or a family member for their loss to be meaningful to you.

"I only knew them online." Yes? And? That's valid. You can grieve, my friend. Let yourself grieve.

[Substance Abuse/Suicide/Cancer]
Another friend died of an overdose. An ex died by suicide. My best friend died from cancer. Then another friend. Then... well, there's been a lot. I suppose at this point you could call me a professional griever. It never gets easier.

If you find one death making you remember every other death, or other traumatic experiences, that's not a betrayal of the person you're grieving now. That's a normal reaction, because trauma compounds on itself.

You might fall to pieces over the most banal little things ("we'll never be able to talk about that book now") and that doesn't make your grief petty. These little shared experiences are part of what we build relationships on. Why wouldn't they also be part of your grieving?

Grief is intense. It's messy. It's ugly. Sometimes it's even transcendentally beautiful. Don't trouble yourself with questions of whether you're grieving "right" or if you're allowed to grieve.

Be kind. To yourself, to those around you. If someone offers you space to grieve, it's okay to take it. If you don't know if it's okay to share your pain with someone, it's okay to ask.

And if you find yourself aching for your friend's ordinary every day company in silence instead of being able to make grand, wonderful statements about how they were important to the world in general...

My sweet friend, your friendship is a world in and of itself. That is enough. Your love, your pain, is enough.

Your grief is yours and you have a right to it.