can't believe we were ever obsessed with elves and numenorians when hobbits were RIGHT HERE

ALL I WANT IS TO SIT DOWN IN A SMALL GARDEN, EATING AND DRINKING AND GROWING PLANTS?

saruman is basically a cautionary tale against bosses.

also a cautionary tale against texting your toxic fuckbuddy without first consulting with your friends.

love how LOTR is like 'if you DIDN'T THINK STRIDER WAS HOT BEFORE, here's a FLAME THAT SIZZLES AT HIS ENTRANCE'

ENVIRONMENTAL STORYTELLING

ALSO sauron's strategy for converting people to his thrall is a cautionary tale against only hiring cis white men. please hire the BEST people for the job because otherwise you're going to get ringwraiths that can't smell or see hobbits even if they're RIGHT THERE

i realise this is very 'hire more women guards' but listen, the inefficiencies are genuinely infuriating. what, they need a fucking RING to be WORN to see? what losers.

can you BELIEVE people compared dumbledore to GANDALF how DARE THEY COME HERE I WILL FIGHT YOU.

"so you have chosen death" just. the most fucking dramatic boss. this iS WHY MANAGEMENT TRAININGS ARE IMPORTANT OK.

all my thoughts on elrond are summarised thus: https://twitter.com/mostlyinane/status/1295537071843680257

i take it back ELROND IS THE MEDIA WRITING ABOUT COPS.

'EVIL WAS ALLOWED TO ENDURE' yeah MOTHERFUCKER BECAUSE YOU DID NOTHING??????????????? centrist shoebill fool.

i am having a very normal one thank you for asking.

fun fact about me: the only letter i ever wrote to a newspaper was to the straits times when they did a feature on LOTR and called it the Mount OF Doom.

could have given the rings to the birds and it would have been done and dusted. sauron really didn't think it through

this is a boromir defense account. stop being mean to the boy your hatred of him is just EDITING CHOICES.

THE SCENE ABOUT GOLLUM IN MORIA!!!!!! EVEN THE WISE CANNOT SEE ALL ENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE I LOVE THIS SCENE AND I LOVE THIS FILM.

'if in doubt, always follow your nose' ilusm gandalf

OK i have a massive bone to pick with dwarven architects: why the fuck do they need ceilings that high?? WHY BUILD SUCH A RIDICULOUS HALL?

"they have a cave troll" how can you not love this iconic man how do you not support him through his weakness

i have seen this film a million and one times and the moria scenes still make me jump up and down like i did when i was 11

@historiancole and i just screaming 'YOU SHALL NOT PASS' at each other

everyone in this film is bad at pep talks but galadriel deserves a special mention for 'don't be sad about your land being sad, gimli, for all lands are sad as fuck now :D'

honestly can't believe i've only lost one follower today

every single elf can stop putting so much pressure on aragorn anyyyyyy time now. what the hell have they done for the last 3000+ years, eh?

how do you watch the extended edition and not just sit down and scream about your feelings for a whole year

WOULD FRODO HAVE MISTRUSTED BOROMIR AND LED BOROMIR TO THE POINT HE WAS AT BEFORE HE DIED IF THE ELVES HADN'T KEPT TALKING SHIT ABOUT HIM??????? THE ELVES JUST DO SHIT AND NEVER FACE CONSEQUENCES AAAARGH

everything is fine. this is fine. i'm fine.

the elves are centrist democrats and that's the reason sauron survived as long as he did.

sat here whispering 'everything is fine' while the last 20 minutes of this film play out. this is fine. everything is fine. i'm fine.

tag urself i'm 3 hours and 48 minutes of pain and anguish

aragorn son of arathorn heir to isildur's throne person who jumps on uruk-hai instead of just stabbing them WITH HIS KNIFE?

this is a story about being good & doing the right thing and working towards peace and contentment for everyone even if you've never met them before, and i love it so much and i am 100% crying thank you all for coming on this journey with me @historiancole and i will return soon

GOOD NEWS EVERYONE

things that are a bad idea: watching the battle of helm's deep while stood on a balance board.

things that are good ideas: stopping your work to just read this thread.

today @historiancole and i are yelling 'MAN FLESH' at each other

THEY'RE TAKING THE HOBBITS TO ISENGARD

saruman so desperate for a new bff he's willing to let his hair, nails, and morals go.

whose bright idea was it to cut your own hand to swear allegiance tho? you're just going to get infected and even if you don't, you're DEFINITELY not battle ready anymore.

DEFINITELY hope L isn't on a phonecall because i'm making very loud trumpeting sounds in time to the music

honestly, if they'd just overthrown monarchies they wouldn't have had HALF these problems

LOOKS LIKE MEAT'S BACK ON THE MENU, BOYS.

in hindsight, a lot of the quotes from this film are VERY dirty out of context.

WATCHING THE SCENE WHERE EOMER AND ARAGORN MEET FOR THE FIRST TIME, TRYING TO TAG MYSELF

tag urself i'm big pointy spear

you know what makes a good film? when you're still excited about a big reveal 18 years and 3904809 rewatches later.

"A THING IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN" - gandalf

me, sitting next to jolkien's grave: 'hey buddy, do you want to write some FINISHED tales about the fucking ents? we want MORE TREES'

grima: a cautionary tale about what negging women does to your hair and skin. and uh. lifespan.

CANNOT WAIT TO WALK INTO EVERYONE'S HOUSES SHOUTING 'THE COURTESY OF YOUR HALLS IS SOMEWHAT LESSENED' ONCE WE CAN ALL SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN

my friends like me, i'm pretty sure.

i rate every single battle scene on a scale of 0 - Helm's Deep.

ah yes. eowyn fighting with a sword scene aka the 'oh shit i'm gay' scene.

idk who introduced aragorn to a shower but i hate them.

do you ever just sit in your own little corner of the world and think about legolas and gimli enemies to friends to lovers and also that thing where he pulled himself onto gimli's horse no yeah sure me either

every time i think about how unnecessary the warg scene is, i remember it gave us The Bit With The Door and i am once again mollified

elrond just casually guilting his kid into coming to his retirement home with him cos he doesn't want to be lonely

imagine if your mother in law could speak directly into your head just to tell you that the world is ending and she did that all the time

boromir deserved better.

the real villains of LOTR are all the people who did nothing except put ridiculous pressure on others.

'it's such a burden. will you not help him'

what if i just. cry. forever.

pretty sure my thing for people who look exhausted is because of aragorn in helm's deep?

fun facts: both @historiancole and i can quote literally everything in this film and are doing so at volume.

love that eowyn recognises aragorn as the manager of middle earth which is why she immediately takes her complaint about BEING SENT INTO THE DEEP WITH THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN to him

walking around 2020 like theoden muttering 'HOW DID IT COME TO THIS' every time i have to do something

AS A CHILD I WAS SO ANGRY THAT THEY DID THE SCENE WITH THE ELVES IN HELM'S DEEP BUT AS AN ADULT I SUPPORT THIS DECISION 150%.

anyway we just hit helm's deep so i'm softly screaming and jumping up and down.

god, don't you just love boyfriends who have fun at work like legolas and gimli do?

'merry "i don't know how to explain that you should care about other people" brandybuck' - @historiancole

i just really want aragorn to have a little rest, you know? maybe a staycation?

I'M GENUINELY TOO EMOTIONAL TO TWEET ABOUT THE ENTS RISING UP AND TAKING ISENGARD

theoden! aragorn is NOT your therapist! please!!

NOW FOR WRATH! NOW FOR RUIN! AND THE RED DAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"don't you know your sam" why don't you just STICK A FUCKING SPEAR IN MY HEART PETER JACKSON IT'LL PROBABLY HURT LESS.

THERE'S SOME GOOD IN THIS WORLD, MR. FRODO. AND IT'S WORTH FIGHTING FOR.

the moment of the film that always breaks me is faramir calmly saying his life is forfeit because he knows he has to do the right thing.

i need to lie down tbh