many of us, in fact, were viciously, often systematically, abused, in order to turn us into this traumatized, neurotic, "high functioning" mess. yeah, i can hold a conversation and look you in the eyes while i do it, and i *also* can't feel relaxed in the company of humans now https://twitter.com/QueerlyAutistic/status/1295362568765288448

something that we don't ever seem to talk about, or don't talk about enough, is the uniquely isolating and painful way that ABA and ABA precursors damage autistic people, to the extent that many of us are no longer able to relate or interact w/ fellow autistics.

it is difficult to properly characterize or give voice to the pain of feeling alienated and uncomfortable in NT spaces and then ALSO being incapable of relaxing with other autistics, because our childhood training and abuse makes autistic behavior feel dangerous and triggering.

when you were punished every time you displayed your stims in public, stims feel unsafe to be around. when you were punished for speaking up, for making noise, for getting too emotional, for getting angry or "defiant" - being around peers can be unbearably triggering.

before i met other similarly traumatized folks, before i was able to find a peer group of survivors and people in recovery, i literally felt like i had no human tribe at all, no group of other humans around whom i could feel comfortable, relate and belong

and for those who have not felt the pain of that sense of overwhelming existential disconnect and isolation, i do not believe there can be words that accurately convey it. it feels like being broken on the level of the most innate human qualities, most fundamental aspects of self

i used to call myself, used to think of myself, as "nobody, from nowhere" because that was what it felt like. i thought i belonged nowhere, belonged with no one. it felt like finding the one and only unique way to fail at being a human being.