In early 2018 I quit my dream job. I was a hardware test engineer at Google doing incredibly fun work with a great balance of mental and physical labor. I felt challenged, but not overwhelmingly so. Even though it took a lot out of me, I enjoyed pouring myself into it.

I started this job as a temp contractor. I worked in that role for nearly two years before conversion to a full time employee. I put in 60hr weeks and went without healthcare, benefits, and time off. Even we’re I afforded the luxury of an unpaid day off, I couldn’t afford it.

I orchestrated a slew of tasks and projects to work on over Christmas one year when, with less than a months notice, I was told we’d be shut down for 2 weeks with no pay over Christmas and the new year. I’d been forced to invent work so I could keep my paychecks coming in.

I want you to understand how important this job was to me. This job was why I moved to California. My goal was working at Google. I did my best and went months without days off to try to stand out. All because the carrot of full time employee conversion was dangled before me.

Early spring one year as my 2 year mark rapidly approached, I was offered conversion. This timing is important. In California once you’ve worked as a contractor at a company for 2 years, they must convert you or let you go. Generally being let go is the common choice.

I was ecstatic. Rent was steadily increasing. My husband needed surgery. We both had developed a slew of illnesses that needed treatment. The black mold in our apartment was making us weak and we were sick frequently. This felt like my way out of an ever widening hole beneath me.

My treatment changed immediately. I was no longer subject to the stress of losing income for staying home if I was sick. I was encouraged to take care of myself and my family. I had plenty of time off and no longer needed to put in 60 hour weeks.

Unfortunately my income didn’t change, but at least I had time to be home with my husband. Home, at this point, is a 400 sqft studio we shared with a close friend. I was our sole source of income so while I made decent money, it was spread thin.

So I’m finally a full time employee, I get to have beers on Thursday with all the tech bros and we all pretend we’re making a difference in the world. But things are not well.

Along with me, several others have been converted. Among them are some veterans like myself who have not quite matured since they entered the civilian workforce. Also among them is a woman at her first career job post college. We’ll call her “E”

Things slow down a lot and I have time to pay attention to my surroundings. E is someone I talk to and relate with frequently. she begins to confide that she has been subject to some disgusting harassment. We talked about the way the people we work with treat women.

I think back on what I’ve heard said. The things I let slide that I shouldn’t have. The times I failed to speak up. The prioritization of my self preservation over the improvement of our work culture.

We begin to see the pattern. The problem people and their enablers. It becomes immediately clear that this isn’t just targeted at E. This is all women on the team.
We bring our concerns together to HR. We’re promised protection from retaliation. Promised confidentiality.

HR starts an investigation. Immediately along side this, the abusers and enablers start a witch hunt. HR uses exact quotes. They ask people did you say this? People are immediately able to recall when they said such things and figure out who initiated the complaint.

E and myself never get interviewed. Not even for show. This becomes a key identifier too, singling us out as suspects.

Management acts quickly, many newly converted employees and contractors are fired. A few long time engineers are reprimanded, but kept on the team. They hammer down much harder on the less senior employees and give a pass to higher ups.

The teams tone towards E and I changes drastically. Unrelated but with poor timing, Damore releases his manifesto. My performance reviews go poorly though I’m continually doing good work and striving to be better. Unfortunately for me, several of my managers friends are fired.

6 months pass, HR has concocted and put everyone through some sexual harassment training. It’s written off as a joke and nobody takes it seriously. The abusers and enablers that remain still do everything they did before, just with a bit more mindfulness about their audiences.

Another performance report comes and goes. It’s even worse that the previous though my work and accomplishments have clearly improved. My manager starts to look for a new team. His manager starts to look for a new team.

At this point my rent increases to a point where I can’t afford it. I notify my teams head of engineering that I’m getting priced out of my home. Pay increase isn’t coming due to performance ratings. He tells me to “Pray for a housing market crash.”

Fortunately for E, she has a new manager. A true ally and supporter of both of us. Her performance reports and going well and promotion is coming. I’m disenfranchised and accepting that my future at Google is limited. Transfer options aren’t looking good due to my perf reports.

I’m put onto an on-call rotation that keeps me working except for a few hours in the middle of the night. I’m told to answer messages within 10 minutes or face consequences. I’m hallucinating my notification sounds and cannot sleep. I’m terrified I’m going to lose my healthcare.

And then at work one day, I’m messaging my husband and realize. I’m done. I’m over it. I go to HR and tell them I need a mental health break. I go home and immediately begin preparing to move to Missouri. I’m not coming back to Google.

I miss the job dearly. Especially now as I sit here at home, unemployed. Looking at my former colleagues working from home. But my life has only improved every day since. It truly was a dream job. But now that I’ve woken up I feel like I can live my actual life.

I regret wasting those years. Suffering in a cramped, mold and flea infested studio. I’m happy to have moved on, job security be damned.