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My last relapse was due to severe depression and mental illness. However, every treatment center and addictions counselor i met insisted my drug use was due to character defects, a lack of faith in a higher power and no prayer life. https://twitter.com/brookem_feldman/status/1294283661915955205
Moreover, they repeatedly told me I wouldn’t get into recovery until I admitted through rigorous honesty that I am a self centered, POS, whose self will has run riot.
I needed to weed out my defects of character, literally get on my knees and pray every day, commit to a life of penitence, and go make amends for every crummy thing I’ve ever done and find my part in bad things that happened to me.
For instance, being raped in jail; I was expected to find my part in that horrific experience and make amends for it.
Never mind I suffered for months with debilitating depression, getting out of bed was nearly impossible, I looked in the mirror most days and hated what I saw. I couldn’t look myself in the eye, let alone others.
Shame was built into what drove my substance use, what I experienced in treatment and was told by treatment professionals solidified and confirmed what I already felt: I should be ashamed of myself. It was my imperfections that led to substance use and addiction.
It was clear from the beginning that my struggle with drugs was because I was weak and selfish, I deserved all the bad things that came with it.
The reality was I was a deeply hurt man who needed kindness, compassion, patience and understanding. I needed someone to tell me I was worth loving. I needed reminders of the type of man I really was, not what I thought of myself at that moment.
Most importantly I just needed someone to care about me and love me because I was incapable of loving myself in the way I needed at the time.
