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Last night, it happened again. Someone told me to get over an experience that resulted in race based trauma. Let me tell you the inpact of racial trauma is exponential. It’s compounding. 1/THREAD
Black people, particularly black women, are have to drag that baggage around and pretend that it’s not heavy. You know what happens when you admit that you have that baggage? Gaslighting. Even by (white) people who told you they would stand by you and for you.
Last night I was told that it had been several years since I worked with my racist grad advisor and that I should get over it and that it shouldn’t affect me now. I asked this person if they knew the about the impact of racial trauma. Being terrorized for four years nonstop.
Having your hard work ignored and told that you don’t have what it takes simply because you are black. Being told minorities don’t do well in graduate programs. Being told, “so and so works there and they’re a loser so you should be able to get a job there too”
Being told that your students are scared of you because they’re not used to seeing black people teach. Everyday, it was something, a look, an eye roll, frustration with me for no real reason, a snide remark.
He reacted so poorly to my mistakes that he would become violent. He threw a keyboard against a wall. He would get in my face and wag his finger. sure, I should just get over it. That was years of toxicity I will never forget. It didn’t stop there. He continued to tear me down.
He called my child an ‘it.’ Refused to congratulate me when I had my second baby. Told me after grad school that he couldn’t find a compelling reason to help me ever again because I wasn’t doing anything new.
The impact of his abuse will follow me around my entire career. But last night, someone tried to make it solely about me not “getting over it.” It’s easy to read about the racist crap that happens to people and cheer for them,
But in real life people make it about the individual. As if I got in my own way and continue to do so because I can’t just get over it. That shit has a snowball effect. I left grad school totally inept. Sure, I could teach, but I went there to learn how to do science.
I was refused that opportunity and spent four years being told I wasn’t supposed to be there (even though I CHOSE that program over others.) The condescension, paternalism, and bullying didn’t stop there.
It continued during my postdoc, it continued at my first job. Narcissistic abuse from being gaslit by “benevolent” racists. So remember this, I persevered in spite of this shit. I stayed in the academy even though it kept telling me I didn’t belong.
I DO BELONG. I will be a successful scientist and I will get the skills I need to do the work I want to do. I will do this will the baggage of racial trauma, and I know I’m not alone. Other women will persevere along with me.
Thanks to those of you who have read my drafts, given me good advice, shepherded me through some process that others take for granted as a “given”, sent me good vibes, or just reminded me that I belong.
