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So WHAT do WE DO?
A thread (and possibly a LONG one)
:
First and foremost, ACCEPT that actions reveal TRUE CHARACTER. When we do this, we NEVER AGAIN need to 'fall' for any spoken word. Put every faith into their ACTIONS; they 'say' all that is needed.
A thread (and possibly a LONG one)
:First and foremost, ACCEPT that actions reveal TRUE CHARACTER. When we do this, we NEVER AGAIN need to 'fall' for any spoken word. Put every faith into their ACTIONS; they 'say' all that is needed.
Next, TRULY (heart & soul) accept this character is PERMANENT. With narcs, adult toxics, abusers... there is little chance for change. This MUST be accepted fully. No hemming, no hawing, no wondering.
FULL ACCEPTANCE of the permanence of character which develops EARLY in life.
FULL ACCEPTANCE of the permanence of character which develops EARLY in life.
Understand that said person will USE any trick available to COUNTER acceptance. They will LIE. They will FAKE 'good' behavior for a while. They will make (false) promises.
You must understand this is JUST FURTHER ABUSE; they are manipulating you into DISbelieving ACTIONS.
You must understand this is JUST FURTHER ABUSE; they are manipulating you into DISbelieving ACTIONS.
Next, FULL, 100% cessation of ANY & all contact (shared children situations excepting; research ONLINE parenting apps that can be court ordered).
FULL cessation. This means 100%. All calls, texts, soc media, ALL CONTACT.
Block, block, block. 100%. This is the BEST way.
FULL cessation. This means 100%. All calls, texts, soc media, ALL CONTACT.
Block, block, block. 100%. This is the BEST way.
Every single time there is ANY contact whatsoever, the narc KNOWS you haven't accepted the truth of their character, & will WORK like a slithering snake to worm their way back into your life.
They are MASTERS at this quest; and to them, it IS a quest. A game. A CONQUEST.
They are MASTERS at this quest; and to them, it IS a quest. A game. A CONQUEST.
What the abuser presents you if they have the opportunity (to worm their way in) will SOUND like ALL of your dreams come true. Promises of change, promises 'it will never happen again', promises of a new car, house, trips, whatever they can come up with.
These are LIES.
These are LIES.
We MUST go cold turkey in our 'sobriety' from the narc. Sobriety is the cessation & absence of a (usually addictive) substance; in our case; the narc is the 'substance'.
FULL SOBRIETY is the FASTEST way to launch into recovery & healing.
BLOCK. No contact, 100%.
FULL SOBRIETY is the FASTEST way to launch into recovery & healing.
BLOCK. No contact, 100%.
From here, start YOUR JOURNEY. Every day will likely feel like a battle of your head & heart (research Cognitive Dissonance). In early healing, you may feel like you cannot go on; cannot move forward.
NEVER LOWER YOUR BOUNDARIES of NO contact, even when you feel your worst.
NEVER LOWER YOUR BOUNDARIES of NO contact, even when you feel your worst.
Dedicate your time, energy, effort, emotion into YOURSELF. Understand & accept that DEEP grieving IS part of this process.
We often want to ESCAPE GRIEVING b/c it hurts; HEALTHY distraction is okay here & there. We MUST grieve.
Never escape grieving by OPENING THAT NARC DOOR!
We often want to ESCAPE GRIEVING b/c it hurts; HEALTHY distraction is okay here & there. We MUST grieve.
Never escape grieving by OPENING THAT NARC DOOR!
Keep in mind that recovery & healing are a MARATHON, NOT a sprint. The first 2 years (esp the 1st) are years of TRANSITION & transformation. Have FAITH in this journey; have faith that this emotional pain & grieving are YOUR STEPS to better.
No shortcuts. No detours.
No shortcuts. No detours.
As you are now dedicated to ONLY your own recovery & healing, NEW realizations will come to you in TIME. Clarity of the TRUTH of what you were living; the depth of disorder of the narc.
This clarity WILL NOT COME w/ further contact w/ the narc; they will ONLY exploit you again.
This clarity WILL NOT COME w/ further contact w/ the narc; they will ONLY exploit you again.
In recovery, you may become dismayed at your OWN choices. Growing from these 'a-ha' moments IS THE PRECIOUS gift of our experiences.
Guilt, shame, astonishment are common. This is OKAY, & can be YOUR launching pad into 'never again'.
This is where many DISCOVER BOUNDARIES.
Guilt, shame, astonishment are common. This is OKAY, & can be YOUR launching pad into 'never again'.
This is where many DISCOVER BOUNDARIES.
To do: Write down the FACTS of the relationship. Journal emotions separately. Research. REST. Cry. Soothe. Read. Write. Walk. Time in Nature. Time w/ trusted friends (you may choose to NOT talk about this as many won't understand). FIND SUPPORT. Qualified counseling. Eat well.
As you continue your dedication to YOUR care now, as time passes you will grow. Change. Develop. Understand more. ACCEPT more. And vow that YOUR life is now priority & understand your job was NEVER to make 'work' a relationship that never COULD work.
You are ON YOUR WAY.
You are ON YOUR WAY.
There are a million nuances to this journey & all are unique. This is a START.
You CAN do this. You CAN heal.
Stick with this process even when you feel like giving up.
NEVER give up on this process.
And yes, YOU ARE WORTH IT.
In love & with solidarity to survivors.
You CAN do this. You CAN heal.
Stick with this process even when you feel like giving up.
NEVER give up on this process.
And yes, YOU ARE WORTH IT.
In love & with solidarity to survivors.
