As a kid, I cried a lot. In public. If anything stressed me out enough (and MANY things would) I would snap and go into meltdown.

What I needed most in these circumstances was somewhere safe. Acceptance. I could handle myself if I had the right environment to chill tf out.

1/

But there were far, far too many times where I was either ignored completely, or directly accused of being defiant.

These experiences were deeply traumatic for me and contribute to many of the problems I still struggle with at the tender age of 23.

2/

Obviously, this is because I am autistic. This is the way that I handled stress.

I never expected some angel to descend from the heavens and delete all my problems.

I never expected to get out of anything just because I cried over it.

3/

But I could not control these meltdowns. When I got stressed enough, it was inevitable. Like something in my brain just went fucking autopilot and forced me to have a breakdown, no matter where I was. I simply could not function under stress.

4/

But if I had somewhere safe to go, or somebody I could talk to - and be LISTENED TO - I always turned out okay.

In fact, I usually ended up feeling better than I did before anything happened.

I truly think those meltdowns were a good and healthy thing for me.

5/

Given the appropriate environment to calm down and manage myself, I could do what I needed to chill out and get back to whatever I needed to be doing.

But if that environment was withheld from me, things would get MUCH worse, VERY fast.

And again - I couldn’t control it.

6/

I did not choose to break down crying in the middle of class.
I did not choose to become nonverbal and have immense difficulty saying anything at all.
I did not choose for this specific minor irrelevant thing to be the tipping point on a pile of unrelated stress.

7/

But so many authority figures assumed the worst of me.
That I was doing it on purpose, either for attention or because crying would get me what I wanted.

They saw my behaviors as unreasonable or nonsensical, and assumed that I should be punished for it.

8/

Assuming I was not actively having a meltdown, I could absolutely explain my side of things - even when I was a kid. I understood that I did not control it, I did not choose it, and I knew what I needed to calm down and function again.

But rarely was I listened to.

9/

It is a very traumatic and stressful experience when you’re the only kid in school who cries at his desk once a week minimum.

When none of the other students, in any class, bothered to ask me if I was okay. Left me alone like a freak.

10/

I will never, ever judge someone for crying. Even in public.

Because honestly, I think crying is good.

I think crying is necessary.

I think everyone needs to have a total fucking meltdown sometimes.

And that’s okay.

11/

But especially people like me, who had no control over it but were wrongly punished and misunderstood.

Surely it would be obvious if you heard me talking for 5 seconds that I was speaking genuinely, doing my best to function as best as I could.

12/

Nowadays I find it... difficult to process through emotions.

At some point I learned how to repress these meltdowns. They’re maybe once or twice a year now.

I honestly, truly miss them.

I want them back.

13/

And I don’t want that to sound worrisome.

This isn’t a self harm thing.

I think those meltdowns were just... the way I process through difficult emotions.

They were how my brain made sense of things.

It was how my brain relieved the pressure and GOT IT OUT.

14/

I feel so much more... “emotionally clogged” nowadays. Like I need to feel things, like I have emotions that I need to process through, but I just... can’t, for some reason.

Like I’ve had the meltdowns beaten out of me from all the punishment and judgment

15/

and well, apparently that was my only way of effectively dealing with stress.

So now I kinda just marinate in this constant background radiation of stress without any good way of dealing with it.

It’s hard to cry on purpose.

16/

I truly miss the feeling of wiping tears off my face and saying “I am okay now.”

It just isn’t the same when your face isn’t covered in snot and tears.

I think crying is good.

It hurts, but that pain is part of the healing process.

It’s okay to not be okay.

Tagging @SNeurotypicals and @steve_asbell because autism/neurodivergence stuff

bit of a long thread but this one is important to me