Men who follow me, there's an awful truth that I need you try to sit with and wrap your head around:

Some of your male friends, who you love like a brother, who would give you the shirt off their back?

They are UNSPEAKABLY horrible to me and mine when you're not around.

I know SO MANY men who are thought of as saints to all their peers. They treat the people around them with love and generosity. But the problem that you can't see? Is that they don't think of me as "people". They think of me as meat. And they act accordingly where you can't see.

tw: sexual assault
Some part of them may know that how they speak to me and how they treat me behind closed doors is wrong, and would be ashamed to have you find out what they did. Date rapists tend to fall into this category, in my tragically extensive personal experience.

Others? Honestly? They're just bros who think this is funny. And they think you would think its funny too, if you saw.

They think that because you taught them that.

You taught them that when they told a slightly off-color joke, and you laughed. You thought, "I know the premise is sexist, but because I know that, I'm not sexist for laughing. It's just funny. I don't actually think that way, & I'd never say it to a lady, so its harmless."

But guess what? Your dude bro doesn't get that. He shared it with you because he thinks you're in on it, and you agree. (And, next time you lol, search your heart maybe? And force yourself to say aloud in private what the meaning of the punchline was? And maybe sit with that?)

That's why us feminism types always look like such humorless scolds, by the way. Because we see the third act of the punchline about grabbing the blonde bimbo's tits that you already forgot--and its that your buddy passed us in a dark corner of the bar and grabbed our tits.

You think we're wigging out on you, innocent, who would never do that, because we take shit way too seriously. But you would be surprised to find out that your friend actually would do that. And he would be surprised to find that you had a problem with it.

And some of you right now are thinking, "I'd deck even my best buddy in the mouth if I ever saw him groping a girl." And it breaks my heart to be the one to tell you this. But you wouldn't.

I know you wouldn't, because not one of you ever have. Not on my account, anyway.

I was once groped in a bar while standing less than ten feet away from the two men I came in with--my best friend & my husband. And when I told them that THAT GUY THERE had just groped me, they all got uncomfortable, and told me to calm down, and not let him get to me.

I wish I was done breaking your heart. Lots of you reading this right now think you would stop a rape if you saw one happening.

I'm so sorry.

But some of you wouldn't.

I know some of you wouldn't because I've witnessed with my own eyes how many of you will watch your buddy bring a girl upstairs who can barely stand, and is barely conscious. And I've watched you laugh and high-five him over it later.

To your shameful credit, you probably didn't understand what you were seeing, and thought "she must want this." That girl that can't say her own name right now. Because your buddy is not that kind of guy.

After all, you would know. He's your buddy.

God, I wish I was done. I wish I was done breaking your heart. But I'm not, not because I wish you harm, but because I have lost the ability to count the ways your inaction and your willful ignorance have broken mine.

Not all men have raped. Not most men. Most of you would never dream of that kind of horror. But all women love at least one woman who has been raped. And here's the awful burden I need you to grit your teeth and bear with me:

All men know at least one man who has raped.

Maybe he's not your best friend, or a close friend, or even an acquaintance. Maybe he's just the guy who lived on your dorm floor that creeped even you out, who you just got a bad vibe from but never heard anything concrete about.

Maybe you are one of the blessed few whose entire circle of male friends are safe, and are champions of women. In fact, we know there are lots of you--we keep careful track of who you are. You can always identify them by the number of female friends in their inner circle.

Us feminists? We love those men. We'd carry their banner into battle and bleed for those men. In fact, we've been doing it all along, if you'd just look to see.

So I'm not talking to those men. Those who have more than one female friend they'd consider a ride-or-die, and who they have never lovingly referred to as "one of the boys". (Sorry, but if women have to try to act "like men" to be safe around you, you're not safe. Again, sorry.)

If you know of at least one woman, who you haven't slept with, but are close enough that she has disclosed her assault to you?

You are Safe. Go treat yourself to something nice with my thanks and heartbroken camaraderie, that you carry this heavy load with us.

For the rest of you? Who do not personally know of a single woman who was raped, because no woman has ever told you that she was raped?

I'm about to devastate you. And I am so sorry.

But you do know of at least one. She just never told you.

Because you're not Safe.

Not to her. Not to the other women who you didn't know could hear you laughing at that joke. Not to the women you didn't know talked to your ex-girlfriend, and know what really went down. Not to the women who can bet they know why you only have male ride-or-dies.

Because you may not have had ANY idea that you were being tested, or that anything at all was going down, but at one point you had the chance to stand up to your buddy telling the joke or groping the ass or bringing the girl upstairs, and you could have stepped in. You didn't.

So I'm sorry. But it was a pass/fail test, and you failed. Because your right to be treated nicely by ladies does not trump her right to not be groped, in your full view, while you do nothing or laugh. And for all she knows, your inaction means you'd happily grope her too.

Is it fair?

Nope!

I have terrible news about life, and whether or not it is fair. Go ask literally any woman about fairness. Maybe you'll even find one with the patience and strength to explain it, who is willing to risk that you'll just call her a dumb bitch and storm off.

(Trust me, it's happened to her before. I know because I'm frequently asked by fragile men whether life is fair and I'm frequently called a dumb bitch by those fragile men when I can only offer a truth they don't want to hear.)

So. To bring this tragedy of a thread to a close. No matter which of these men you are, or identify with, or think I think you are.

The men you know who have raped don't look like rapists. Rapists don't look like anything. There are men who would bring a gun to a dark alley, and there are men who would have sex with a woman who cannot speak her own name, and they are both rapists, and you know one of them.

Speaking only of the men who I personally know have committed rape? Against women I dearly love, who they will never tell another living soul but me?

They are handsome. They are Christians. They are talented. They are loved at church and at school and at home. They have their pick of girlfriends. They are Democrats. They love their pet cats.

They are the reason someone I love wakes up screaming sometimes.

Men who do not have one single female ride or die, who may or may not be Safe? I don't hate you. I don't assume you're a rapist automatically. But I do have a job for you, if you're at all interested in becoming one of the many men I'd bleed for.

Search your heart. Search your friends. Search your memories of rumors, whispers, accusations and insinuations. Search your responses and your anger and your laughter. Search the moments you're a bit ashamed of. Sit with them. Grieve them. Grow with them. And then--

Get ready to have your heart broken some day, and resolve yourself then to pick up your sword and fight while you bleed. To fight someone you once thought of as a brother. Get ready for the day of initiation that every single young girl lives through, sooner or later---

The day you realize that a rapist can be handsome, charming, intelligent, and kind--in the light of day, to the people he respects. Every single woman you know has had her heart shattered by this moment. We're asking you to be willing to have your heart shattered too.

Then. And ONLY then. Will the women around you look up, and see you, and see your bleeding heart, and see your bloodied sword, and know that you are Safe.

/end.

PS:

*Takes a shot, slaps self in face, flexes my blocking finger*

oh and also. Every single time I use the word women in this entire thread, that includes trans women as well.

You’ve all given me an incredible gift and spark of hope to wake up to this morning: for the first time EVER, of all my thousands of posts as a writer here on Twitter, I’m seeing more male-coded folk retweet me than female. You’re hearing me. Thank you so much.