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I’m on a short break in the UK & it’s like a theme park in the zombie apocalypse.
It’s a hotel resort in Norfolk, Potters. The staff do an amazing job of dousing you in info about when you need to wear a mask, where your room is, how to book activities. They then take your temperature. Not rectally.
The resort has sacked off huge communal dining by reducing its room capacity & having hotel rooms converted to dining spaces dedicated to rooms. It’s a smart idea, gives you a swish dining experience with the safety of being away from others
And let’s be honest, the problem with going on holiday in England is English people normally.
The staff so far have been amazing under frankly totally fucking weird circumstances. I wasn’t all into idea of holiday on a pandemic in U.K. got sold on the extraordinary steps they were taking to make you feel safe & welcome. Only a few nights away from home.
They live stream the stage in the resort on the TVs in every room & entertainment plays near constantly - so if you can’t be arsed with waddling to stage outside, you can watch from your room in your pants whilst eating a bag of crisps
There’s an image for you
I’m on holiday with in-laws as well, just add a pinch of spice to proceedings. The good news is there’s a slim chance they will take the kids of our hands for a couple of hours so I can sit in silence & stare at a wall quietly because as any parent knows that’s the fucking dream
“What did you do with all your time out of the office in lockdown?”
You fucking mad? Time? I have two young children; when I wasn’t working i was either trying to educate, feed or otherwise stop them from dying somehow.
You fucking mad? Time? I have two young children; when I wasn’t working i was either trying to educate, feed or otherwise stop them from dying somehow.
The constant entertainment is weirdly assuring; you know someone, somewhere, is desperately trying to distract you from the sense you’ve made a mortal mistake by coming to Norfolk in a plague. It’s nice.
Went to the beach earlier and of course after searing days of 30+ heat today it was overcast & breezy
So here is the converted hotel room that’s now a dining room. They chuck in a fridge full of booze and SCAMPI FRIES #winning
After a fairly diverse menu, we drank the booze & are now crashed in our room watching the crew murder show tunes.
The Rocky Horror - Timewarp in fact
The Rocky Horror - Timewarp in fact
Went to the beach to get stones for a painting workshop - distinct lack of both beach AND stones
On way back saw one of the members of the sanitation containment crew worryingly looking like he’s disposing of boots
There’s a live webcast 18 hours of the day of various love entertainment which makes it feel very “Running Man” whenever you turn on the TV
Just remember you have to mask up and smile wherever you go in the complex
As you can see here, quite rightly, the drummer has been put into isolation
I am duty bound to clean out the fully stocked booze fridge even if it is fruit cider
Inexplicably there is a wooden statue of a man in a flowerpot hat with an absolutely massive cock who looks really surprised to be outside
This bottle cap has seen my twitter content and wants to join in
“Let’s go to the great British beach” they said. It looks like it’s a dumping ground for concrete & rocks; a farm for algae & seaweed
“Those are amazing stones you found on the beach for painting with!” Said the staff.
...I think you’ll find you are now missing some cobbles from your drive in fact
...I think you’ll find you are now missing some cobbles from your drive in fact
There is something very weird about conversing with staff who are always fully kitted out in protective face shields, which makes you feel vaguely like a alien life form being examined. Also the visors Male staff voices seem weirdly like Darth Vader
“Use the fork sir”
Every day I have the same breakfast of a “large English breakfast”
And every day I eat too much but *shrug* that’s what you do
And every day I eat too much but *shrug* that’s what you do
Holidaying in a pandemic is just plain weird. The mask thing injects a layer of complexity into every interaction, most of the stuff you would do inside is now outside or socially distanced; which makes it feel like you’ve been a naughty kid at school.
The staff, always fully kitted out, studiously clean every table & chair when people leave. You can really tell they want you to have a good time. Which can be tough as a customer living in a weird prison camp wearing a face mask & humming along to badly performed show tunes
I am being entertained by a singing pineapple on stage. I missed the reason why.
The stage show is “The Brits” theme. Not sure why there’s a pineapple.
No messing around though I’m adopting a British way forward through the show
There’s a rule for cover stage shows:
Don’t sing Barbra Streisand or George Michael. They’ve done both tonight well as mocking the Rolling Stones.
Don’t sing Barbra Streisand or George Michael. They’ve done both tonight well as mocking the Rolling Stones.
