Thread by @jdhattin, Life throws a lot at a person over almost 50 years. I [...]

Life throws a lot at a person over almost 50 years. I have been so fortunate over the years to run into people and situations that broke me and changed me.

I was insecure, jealous, smart, afraid, empathetic, evil, and selfless/ish to a fault.

Now I’m humbler, stupid, secure, empathetic, and selfless/ish to a fault.

I was chaotic neutral, now I’m chaotic good.

The most significant person in this story is Geordie Spradling. He was the first person to help me breakthrough much of what held me back.

Setting: Pixel Magic - I was a compositor with 6 or 7 years of experience. An eye for the job, but I was careless. I made silly mistakes a lot. I switched software programs which was difficult for me to do but made a world of difference in my consistency of work.

Geordie was there. Talking about Joseph Campbell, Vietnam, surviving cancer. I think almost everything he said was a lie. The lies, the stories, the outright offensive obnoxiousness started to break my carefully constructed shield of insecurity, jealousy, and anger.

“James doesn’t play well with others.” “James has an opinion about everything.” said someone a mere few years ago who only knew me back then.

Oh my god, I was so headstrong, it’s one of the things I regret, and I don’t live with regret or embarrassment anymore.

We spend so much time in our own heads. Being afraid of being the clown. Afraid of being wrong. Afraid of what others think. It’s paralyzing. I see it all the time in people I work with. It must be exhausting, second-guessing every word someone says. This was me.

I was outside smoking one morning at Pixel and Geordie walked up to me. Looked me in the eye and said, simply, “You’re almost there. keep going.” So, I did what any 32 years old does when someone twice their age says something to them, I just started crying.

He was right. I *was* almost there. I didn’t know where *there* was, but it was like a wall broke in my mind. Suddenly I could see me, I could see how I react, I could step outside of the child trapped inside this adult body.

Suddenly I could see people, I saw that their pain didn’t have to be mine. The amazing variety of humanity. Everyone is just doing what they can. Everyone is just surviving. Seeing differently-abled people filled me with joy. Pity was no longer and emotion I felt. I *was* them.

I lost judgment.

I stopped filtering things through my own experience and admired the lived experience of other people. *I* wasn't a factor in how I saw the world anymore.

Here’s what that allowed:

Appreciation - I didn’t have to appreciate the things my friends liked. I was free to find anything beautiful, fun, or cool. I could like bad movies. I could like good movies. I could have my own opinion without being embarrassed or ashamed.

Childlike behavior - So what if I’m 30 something? I want to play in the mud. Shoot nerf guns. Play tag. SKIP. Go be a bald 30 something slightly overweight dude and go skipping down the damn street. FREE YOURSELF! Skip in front of your friends.

Intentional idiocy - Why do I have to look cool? Hawaiian shirts? Check! Silly hat? Check. Taking someone at face value when you know they mean something else? Check. I don’t care what you intended. I will react honestly to what was said.

Historical Forgiveness of self - Holy cow, this is a big one.

Now that you are free of your mind. Look back at all the bad shit you did. Look at the breakups, look at the mistakes. Do you still think about them now? With a broken brain, I have perspective now.

When GF #4 left me with my roommate whom she had been shagging for months *I* was hurt. Why was I hurt? I made mistakes. Historical forgiveness, allowed me to see both sides, forgiving her and accepting the blame. (If blame means anything, hint, it doesn’t)

I've forgiven my mother for not being emotionally there for me as a very young child. I forgave my father for all of his lies.

It's a hard road. I have more instances, but this was the big one. This was the big change that happened to me, that has made life more livable.

There is no way to pass this on. I can't shame people for living fully in their heads. Until they get out of it, if they ever do, they will forever be trapped in their own experience. Their own bias. Life doesn't have that. Life exists. We travel and learn every day.

Nothing about this makes me better. I don't see 'better' and 'worse' and we are living at a time where judgment has become de rigueur, the height of fashion from Trump's addled brain to the masses.

Geordie would say "He's just doing his thing."

Now find the truth in that...

Trump is being the only person he can be.

Next time we will go over why you can't hurt my feelings. (another Geordie classic)

Thanks for tuning in. I'm not sure it's worth much, but your mileage may vary and you may find something worth thinking about and pondering.

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