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I probably should take a break from this hellsite, but it's pretty much the only sense of peer interaction & vague sense of connection I have.
I have an assumption that for the majority of folks, you all have some sense of "connection" to the people around you...
I have an assumption that for the majority of folks, you all have some sense of "connection" to the people around you...
...that you don't live with the constant sense of being isolated from them like some ridiculous mimed glass box.
I always assumed it was just an "autistic" thing, but from childhood we were deliberately disconnected from the people around us. "God's will".
I always assumed it was just an "autistic" thing, but from childhood we were deliberately disconnected from the people around us. "God's will".
The prophecies that our family was "set apart" by God, that He was always just about to provide us with a house in a new town, as part of His mission for us *as a family*.
I was literally told that there was no point in joining the softball team, or making friends, because...
I was literally told that there was no point in joining the softball team, or making friends, because...
...we were leaving town "soon". Most of my childhood & all of my teens were spent with most of our stuff packed in boxes, ready to move.
We didn't move until I was 18, when we relocated the family business 265km to the Snowy Mountains.
We didn't move until I was 18, when we relocated the family business 265km to the Snowy Mountains.
Then it became even more intense. That sense that we needed to remain separate, that we were "special". That we had special "truths" revealed to us. (Yeah, that's probably why I'm so allergic to kew-annon addicts).
In trying to escape that religious abuse...
In trying to escape that religious abuse...
...I ran smack-bang into a different kind of religious abuse. Go me. Melbourne is great, but some of the folks I encountered weren't.
I eventually found a church I thought I felt safe in, until I increasingly didn't.
At least I had work, though. Amazing workplace.
I eventually found a church I thought I felt safe in, until I increasingly didn't.
At least I had work, though. Amazing workplace.
Worked with the same core group of people for a decade, and that routine was great for my autistic brain, until the part of the company I worked for was sold off.
I found myself working alone in a cupboard, that was *in* my church building's complex.
I found myself working alone in a cupboard, that was *in* my church building's complex.
A church that I increasingly couldn't attend because it was triggering the PTSD from my abuse repeatedly. So I left, and what little sense of connection I had there was gone.
I've been living in iso inside my head for years.
I've been living in iso inside my head for years.
I don't know how to feel connected to the folks around me, the people who care.
The best analogy I can some up with is "weak bonds" vs "strong bonds" in science, & I feel like most neurotypical folks have strong bonds with others, but all of mine are weak at best, easily broken.
The best analogy I can some up with is "weak bonds" vs "strong bonds" in science, & I feel like most neurotypical folks have strong bonds with others, but all of mine are weak at best, easily broken.
I've tried joining clubs and groups, and beyond the initial burst of "NEW AND SHINY!" that my ADHD brain loves so much, I end up in the same old place, feeling no sense of connection to the other people in the group, and eventually just drifting out to sea again.
Which leaves this place, where I frequently hate it, but feel like it's the only thing maintaining what few weak bonds beyond my immediate family I have.
If I leave here, I'll just... disappear.
I just don't know how to stay connected.
If I leave here, I'll just... disappear.
I just don't know how to stay connected.
