Read on Twitter
This will be an ongoing thread of advice for parents. Will update periodically.
My best advice is to not project adult psychology onto your child. They are not “manipulative.” They are not trying to ruin your day/night/life. They are not having a “temper tantrum” the way adults do. They literally do not understand their emotions and it’s incredibly hard.
Your child can’t fix you. It is not their job to comfort, soothe, or make you less lonely. If you go to them for that, it will damage them and you. (Google “enmeshment.”) Their only job is to be a kid.
If you suffered abuse or trauma as a child, please seek help so you do not pass it down to your child. I call this “redeeming the timeline.” It is a heroic calling, the most difficult and rewarding thing you will ever do. It is my #1 goal in life.
There’s nothing wrong with misunderstanding or arguing with your child. This struggle is not a sign that you are failing as a parent, it is literally *how* they learn to communicate their emotions and needs. If you could read their minds they’d never learn to talk.
If your parents abused you, you should never allow them alone with your kids. Saying “they would never hurt my child” is just another way of saying that you deserved it. You were just as lovable and innocent as your child and it didn’t stop them.
Do not physically discipline your kids. If they are below the age of reason, they will not understand it. If they are above the age of reason, reason with them. If you do this to your children you may never get to see your grandchildren.
As a Catholic father, my goal should be to see my children’s will consecrated to God. This is NOT the same as consecrating their will to ME, which is the true essence of child abuse. Let them see you submitting yourself to God daily.
Don't obsess over "milestones" or what percentile your kid falls into, except as an obvious indication of an underlying disease. Some kids miss milestones and then catch up later. Some kids are underweight and then gain 5 pounds in a month. Kids are weird.
Important: Following my advice will make being a parent 1,000x easier and more fun. Parenting is hard AND simple. It's hard in the sense that meditation is hard. Just let your kids be kids! They aren't little adults! Have fun with them! Sit and watch them play!
Based on twin studies, nature is way more important than nurture. Your kids will probably end up the same no matter what you do. (Exceptions include abuse and neglect.) People don't like hearing this, but it's great news. Just relax and enjoy your relationship.
Onesies: Magnets > Zippers > Snaps
On “spare the rod, spoil the child” https://twitter.com/jeremymclellan/status/1292209999385698304
Get some noise-canceling headphones or earplugs for when your baby is screaming, especially if you have sensory issues or anxiety/PTSD. You’ll still hear them, it just take the edge off. These are great: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B018WPOQSG/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_TTXlFbPCCRZJP
You can’t choose your kids. https://www.americamagazine.org/faith/2018/10/09/catholic-comedian-jeremy-mclellan-finding-god-welcoming-disabled
Dads, be physically affectionate with your children, especially your boys. Make eye contact and smile. Strength comes from inner security, which comes from the knowledge that the world is fundamentally good. This is what Jesus saw in the face of his parents.
Do not draft your children (or allow them to be drafted by others) into the culture wars. If your toddler is terrified of Trump or talking about abortion, something has gone wrong. Give them a foundation of virtues and values they can later use to make political judgments.
Main theme running through all this advice is that trauma can make you to seek validation from your children, who CANNOT provide this, leading to frustration and evermore frantic attempts at control. And the cycle continues.
(If you're a Catholic dad and want to talk about this stuff in private, DM me.)
Wake up earlier than your children. Every morning I get up, take a shower, get dressed, pray/meditate, make coffee. I am then in a great headspace for when Jewell zombie-walks out of her room at 8. If I oversleep and she wakes me up, I'm in a bad mood and not present to her.
A lot of this is marriage advice too. Your spouse cannot give you what you lost in childhood.
My wife wants to add "Don't waste money getting the 'best' formula or diapers. They're all the same."
Don't judge parenting advice (including this thread) by ideological association. You can be right-wing and think spanking is harmful, you can be left-wing and homeschool, etc.
Liberals: don't be afraid to adopt traditional gender roles. Relationships need clear roles, and there's nothing wrong with using traditional ones as the default and adapting as you go. Conservatives: don't be afraid to adapt. Roles were made for man, not man for roles.
Advice from my (Muslim) best friend: Never scold your child in front of other people, especially children, especially their friends. Take them aside and speak to them alone. This will prevent humiliation and they will be more receptive because they aren't trying to save face.
When you restrict your child's freedom they will often try to exercise their agency in ways that don't make sense to parents. This is a source of much confusion. Example: You turn the TV off so they start demanding a waffle or wanting to change their shirt. Let them do this!
In fact, it's a great habit when restricting their freedom to offer them another way to exercise their agency. This will prevent so many problems. "It's time to leave the pond and go home. Do you want to walk or ride in the stroller?"
Much of this I learned from working with people with disabilities for 15 years. So much of the "behavior" I saw was just humans trying to retain control and dignity in the face of power-hungry caregivers. Respect their agency and the strange behaviors often go away.
The road to abuse begins earlier than you think: https://twitter.com/JeremyMcLellan/status/1235634357945106433
Please take your children's concerns seriously. If they avoid another adult or tell you they don't like them, believe them and find out more.
LET YOUR CRYING CHILDREN STAY IN CHURCH https://twitter.com/JeremyMcLellan/status/1091143197613584389
If you decide to post pictures of your kids online, make sure they are wearing clothes.
Try not to have big arguments with your spouse in front of your children, do not try to get your child to "see your side" in your argument with your spouse, and do not insult or belittle your spouse in front of your children.
Remember that your child's understanding of their relationship to the world will come from their interactions with you and your spouse. Is the world chaotic and confusing, impossible to navigate? Or is it loving and good? (Catholics: Read Balthasar on Jesus and the face of Mary)
Hesitant to talk about this but much of my healing from trauma has come from my relationship with Mary. It was after reading about the neurobiology of enmeshment that I was finally able to break down and mourn what I lost in childhood. Then... https://twitter.com/JeremyMcLellan/status/1028196221498912769
On mental illness and the virtues: https://twitter.com/JeremyMcLellan/status/1141742682013782017
My #1 advice for finding a therapist is to make sure they do not treat your theological beliefs as merely epiphenomenon of psychological issues.
For example: A bad therapist would think my devotion to Mary is just a coping mechanism for my trauma as a child. That may be true, but it's also true that if Mary is who I believe she is, I am exactly the type of person whom she would reach out to comfort.
Great paper on enmeshment, detailing how it occurs in the parent-child relationship. …https://parentalalienationaustralia.files.wordpress.com/2015/03/enmeshed-relationship-questions-and-answers.pdf
Don't micromanage how your child interacts with others or apologize for them when they talk to strangers. It's totally fine for your kids to talk to strangers. They aren't going to pick a pedophile at random. (The danger is more when a stranger approaches your child.)
(If you find any of this helpful, please throw me a few bucks here. My income is dead until there’s a vaccine.)
Play with your kids, but let them lead, especially young ones. Children need unstructured play. Try not to "teach" them how to play "correctly." It's also more fun this way.
Fathers, consider a devotion to St. Joseph. This thread may help: https://twitter.com/JeremyMcLellan/status/1140294165697314816
My favorite poem about being a father: "The Writer" by Richard Wilbur.
Lots of parenting blogs/magazines will say “make mealtime fun!” but then give you lots of “fun” projects to do that are super complicated and stressful. Forget all that. Make mealtime as low-stress as possible. Think of it as introducing an alien to Earth foods.
Try not to have anything emotionally invested in your children reacting a certain way to food. They’ve never had food before! They may hate your favorite meals! It’s all experimentation.
If your parents were emotionally immature, you may be uncomfortable with strong emotions from others, including your children. See Gibson's "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents."
Make sure your kids know that "feelings are for feeling." They need to learn from experience that strong feelings have a natural cycle of rise, peak, and decline. Try to be with them during their tantrums instead of shutting them down.
If you were abused as a child you may feel abusive when your child is upset. This guilt may tempt you to shut down their emotions.
When my daughter is upset I literally say out loud to myself “feelings are for feeling” and “I’m a good father.” Corny but it’s powerful.
When my daughter is upset I literally say out loud to myself “feelings are for feeling” and “I’m a good father.” Corny but it’s powerful.
To be clear, I do NOT believe you need to be 100% healed from trauma before you have children, but you do need to be on the path to healing and self-aware enough to analyze your reactions as you go. Healing happens on the way, not before.
Emotional maturity means allowing yourself to feel things without judging it as good or bad. Try not to think of your child's intense emotions as a problem to be solved. Riding out the tantrums with your child is how they learn to ride them out. https://twitter.com/LFDiehl/status/1292913044532715520?s=20
If your child sees you (or their sibling) crying or sick they may try to cheer you up. Please don't thank them for "making you all better." Make it very clear that they cannot fix it. You're having a grown up problem and their job is to be a kid.
I get into a lot of this stuff in this interview with @FatherManno. Therapy stuff begins 20 minutes in but the whole thing is good:
Read @nntaleb on different kinds of risk. Let your child be exposed to as many small risks as possible, where the downside is small. Meanwhile, do everything you can to bring their “risk of ruin” (death, permanent injury) to zero. Many parents get this backwards.
Childhood trauma often causes people to grow up thinking every risk is ruinous. “If my child trips while running they’ll die.” But repeated exposure and adaptation to small risks is what makes us “antifragile,” while being shielded from small risks will make us fragile.
The same is true of your marriage. Arguments are good! Let them happen. They’ll make your marriage stronger. Meanwhile, do everything you can to reduce the risk of infidelity to zero. Cheating is catastrophic.
I’ve gotten several messages from people who say they’ve decided to never have kids because of their trauma. I understand that. I have 3 things to say in response:
1. Healing is possible, and even if you never get 100% better, you can absolutely avoid passing it down to your kids. Healing is an ongoing process.
2. Even if you don’t have kids, you deserve to be healed of your trauma. Even if it helps no one but yourself, you deserve it. You’re enough.
3. Make sure you aren’t depriving yourself of a family as a way of punishing yourself for being abused. It’s your decision, but low self-worth may be clouding your judgment. You deserve all the love in the world.
Put your phone by your child when you drive. This will keep you from texting and prevent you from leaving your kid in the car.
Do not complain or talk disrespectfully about your wife to other people, especially other women. I've made a lot of mistakes but refusing to do this even once has been so helpful to my marriage.
Example: Let's say your wife drinks too much and you go tell a bunch of people. You've now given her a reputation as a heavy drinker, which will now make it harder for her to get better. Helping someone save face is essential to their growth.
Note: This does not apply to abuse. If your spouse is abusing you, you should tell someone and leave.
I am pro-2A but if you or your partner have a history of mental illness you should not have a gun in the house. Suicide is a catastrophic risk (scroll up for more on risk) and you need to bring the chances down to zero.
Dads, don't neglect your need to feel manly, especially if (like me during lockdown) you find yourself with no income while your wife works. Lift weights, fix stuff, mentor other men, etc. (Height of manliness is using strength to protect the weak.)
Don't listen to people who mock your need to be masculine. "Toxic masculinity," properly understood, is when a man fails to use his strength to protect the weak or uses his strength to harm the weak.
If you struggle with trauma or mental illness, avoid seeing it as central to your identity. Easier said than done, but adopting the “sick role” can prevent healing and serve as an excuse not to improve. In fact, this fear of improvement may be the primary result of your trauma.
That is, you might think your symptoms are preventing you from being happy. “If only I didn’t get panic attacks I would write a book.” But panic attacks may be your way of avoiding the vulnerability of publishing a book. (This is classic Freud vs Adler. I lean Adler.)
For an overview of how Adler approaches trauma see The Courage to Be Disliked. It can be painful to read but may be helpful. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1501197274/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_VGtnFbDVFG81B
Try not to compare your kids to other kids. The goal is for them to keep moving forward. This will help them see other kids and siblings as comrades instead of enemies. Even in capitalism, the vast majority of economic activity is about cooperation, not competition.
Multi-tasking doesn’t work with kids. Playing blocks while you’re scrolling Twitter is a recipe for disaster. If you can, block off chunks of time. Take shifts with your spouse. Better to not see your kids for a few hours than to see them 24/7 and be constantly frustrated.
The nuclear family cannot survive without the extended family: https://twitter.com/jeremymclellan/status/1082648485005021188
If you were abused as a kid don’t tell your kids until they are older and familiar with the concept. It’ll make them feel unsafe.
On phones. (Also applies to the TV remote.) https://twitter.com/jeremymclellan/status/1291401473054650369
Take care of your back. If you hold your kids a lot you can end up with posterior pelvic tilt which can lead to herniated discs. This is especially common with moms. Favorite YouTube channel for PT is Bob & Brad: https://www.youtube.com/user/physicaltherapyvideo
Ignoring your kids will make them more annoying and clingy, not less. Give them your undivided attention and they’ll leave you alone.
Childproof your house so well that you don’t have to pay attention to them at all times.
Kids are messy and break things. Keep stuff away from them that you don’t want messy or broken so you can relax and not constantly be telling them to be careful. Better yet just don’t buy stuff that you’ll be nervous about them breaking.
Wrestle with your kids. Play rough but safe. Do this with boys AND girls. Besides being a fun workout and good bonding time, it’ll teach them what “good touch” is and as they grow up they’ll know what “bad touch” feels like if someone does it.
Going to start numbering these.
81. Don’t be naked around your kid after they’re a baby. It’s not going to hurt them, but I don’t think you want them to be used to it if someone else does it later.
82. If your child is disabled contact the police department with your address so the disability shows up when someone calls 911. If there’s a fire they’ll know a blind girl lives upstairs, or if a neighbor reports a trespasser they’ll know it’s just your autistic child wandering.
83. If your child has behavior issues and can become violent, I do not recommend calling 911. You have no idea who will show up or how they are trained. Instead become friends with an officer (higher up the better) whom you can call directly.
84. Use the “thunder” setting on the white noise machine and they won’t be scared of real storms.
85. Protect your family spiritually. #1 way to do this? Quit porn. Whatever you have to do to make this happen, do it. Do not let it into your house.
86. Spouses who are addicted to porn do not want something more than their spouse. They want something less. Real sex requires effort, communication, empathy, and exposes you to failure, future life, and emotions you'd rather not bring up.
I hear many spouses say they feel insecure or "not enough" because of their spouse's porn addiction. The reality is the opposite. You are more than enough, but enough is all your spouse wants.
how I (mostly) quit porn https://twitter.com/JeremyMcLellan/status/1088469873603301378
