I'm getting the impression that some people have no idea what "escalate" even means. https://twitter.com/AITA_reddit/status/1292089949249056768

Okay so. My degree is in conflict resolution. I was focused on community-level stuff, but we had to do a bunch of 1:1 conflict resolution training as well.

That taught me that some folks think a conflict is over as soon as they are happy.

That's not me being mean or sarcastic--some folks really believe "I'm getting what I want" == "the conflict has been resolved," and they are genuinely baffled that the other party keeps "dragging it back up" when the problem is "solved."

What that looks like: "My neighbor told me my music was too loud but I like to listen to it loud so I didn't turn it down, but then they escalated it by banging on my wall!"

Them: "I play my loud music, am happy, conflict over! Mean neighbor is banging on my wall for no reason!"

Same thing with this AITA: "my girlfriend, who does all the cooking and cleaning, asks me for 30 seconds of help and I say no. Conflict over! But then she's escalating it by whining and gets mad when I tell her to shut up!"

Yeah, guy. The conflict was never over.

What "escalation" actually means is intentionally increasing, rather than decreasing, cause for grievance.

As in: "my neighbor told me to turn my music down but I didn't and then at 4am he blasted loud music outside my baby's bedroom in retaliation."

In this situation, escalation would be grabbing his phone out of his hands with her flour-covered ones, dropping it in the pasta water, and telling him to fuck off out of her sight.

(You'll note I didn't say escalation was always wrong. Sometimes it's appropriate to escalate).

But this AITA is actually a really clear illustration of how power differentials work in conflict. The person whose happiness does not depend on the other party's cooperation is in a massive position of power in any conflict.

There's a saying when you're used to privilege, equality feels like oppression.

"They're escalating a conflict that's over" is a microcosm of that. Reading "the other person is still trying to get what they want" as "they are attacking me" is ignoring that you're also attacking.

Which gets back to "sometimes it's appropriate to escalate." Because when someone is in a position of power such that they can ignore a conflict because they already have what they want? Making sure their happiness depends on not ignoring it anymore is how you equalize power.

Anyway this thread started with me analyzing a specific dynamic wherein some people can't empathize with others enough to recognize that "I'm good with this" doesn't mean "it's fine," but whoops I accidentally explained disruptive protest.