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One of the hardest parts of grief, for me, has been an exacerbation of an old anxiety: The intense feeling that everyone I love is going to die soon. I'd been doing well with therapy, but then this very rare, very sad thing happened and a lot of my toolbox has been taken away.
For example, one of the things I would do is look at statistics with my therapist and talk about if something is Possible or Probable. But then I lost my son to .01% odds and suddenly the perspective has changed.
I find myself hugging my husband or my dogs extra right and just...being filled with intense panic and visual imagery of them not being in my life anymore.
And more challenging, I don't have the energy to deal with these thoughts and feelings like I normally would.
And more challenging, I don't have the energy to deal with these thoughts and feelings like I normally would.
Instead, I just have to...sit with it and wait for it to pass or try to talk myself through. My approach to this is going to have to change significantly from one of trying to logic myself out of fear/anxiety to perhaps one of acceptance. We'll see. <3
I think a lot of these feelings are coming out extra today because it's one month since we found out about our son's diagnosis. It feels both a very long time ago and yesterday.
