I very consciously stopped using selfie apps or editing my selfies after taking them because I found it was making me much, much more dysphoric. Especially apps where I could see my eyes enlarge and my jaw get narrower in real time. I don't need that in my brain.

I've tried very hard to make my "brand" be me, as I look. I don't often take pictures in makeup, even. I like the feeling of taking a good selfie and thinking, "I look like this. People can see me like this in real life, theoretically."

And I like not having intrusive thoughts about "will people be disappointed when they see what I really look like." My selfies are me. If I'm pretty, it's me that's pretty. It just saves my brain a lot of panic and worry.

I know that some people find selfie apps empowering, and I totally get that too! This isn't a judgment that I would extend to other people. But for me... I feel like it's important to train my brain that I look like what I look like...

and that when people tell me I'm pretty, it's because they're seeing me for what I look like, and not for what an app thinks a woman should look like.

Along similar lines, shooting porn has forced me to come to terms with what my body actually looks like from many angles, not just the ideal selfie angles that I usually use. My body has mass and dimension! It's not the perfect, slim, anime body that I somehow imagined lmao

And honestly I'm grateful for these videos that are making me more aware of what people see when they tell me that they're attracted to me... the first time I watch them is often quite difficult, but as I become more and more used to what I look like, I can see why people like me