I have been debating if adding my voice to the BA/SB narrative mix would be valuable. After a lot of reflection, I decided to share my story - I hope it will be helpful for anyone operating in SH/SA prevention spaces, not just another example of why BA was a bad actor.

Last year I attended an MTS event where BA spoke because, as a survivor of childhood trauma entering the science/academia as a grad student, I was keenly aware of being at-risk for re-victimization. I wanted to connect to a community that was working to prevent that.

I experienced massive trauma triggering in the first 10 minutes of the presentation, to the point of being fully dissociated and unable to leave the room. The rest of the presentation is mostly a blur of negative emotions emanating from BA.

She alternated between self-flagellating herself, railing against various institutions and individuals (with just as much time spent on “false allies” as on actual perpetrators), and sharing victims’ stories in a way that was very careless with their privacy.

I left the presentation reeling, but with the conviction that there was no way she could have known how damaging that presentation was for me and potentially other survivors. I even felt compassion for someone who was so clearly steeped in her own pain and trauma.

Mostly though, I felt anger that I had been re-traumatized in an environment where I expected to be supported. At the time, I had no other connections to or knowledge of MTS and this was prior to the first wave of public resignations from the organization.

With help from third parties, a week later I anonymously sent her feedback about how this event had affected me, empathetically worded while being frank about the depth of my re-traumatization. Included was an offer to support improving her approach to working with survivors.

Her initial reaction to this letter was silence, and after several weeks went by, it seemed clear that no response was forthcoming. However, 2 months later she reached out to the third parties for a favor and when they reminded her of our previous letter, finally sent a response.

In this response, she alternated between apologizing profusely, not so subtly gaslighting my experience (saying things like she’d only received positive feedback in the past) and listing accommodations that had supposedly been offered at the event.

Some of the accommodations listed were definitely lies (such as maintaining a clear pathway to the exit) and others I am nearly sure were lies; supposedly there was a “safe room” set up nearby with counselors, but if so she did not disclose that during the talk.

She also offered the victim (me) a huge array of goods and services, many of which were extremely unlikely to be things she could actually deliver. It came off as excessive and weirdly bribe-like.

Additionally, most of her offerings weren’t relevant to me because my trauma story doesn’t originate in academia (an assumption she made since I didn’t share the origin of my trauma in my feedback).

So. This reaction is not even a little bit surprising in light of all the many stories that have already been told about her tactics, and it certainly isn’t the most egregious thing she has done by a long shot.

The points that I want to make with this story are:

First and foremost, if you are working with traumatized individuals or communities, regardless of the type of trauma, and you receive feedback from someone about how you are not helping or are actively harming them, please shut up and listen. Then thank them.

It takes a LOT of emotional effort to share these things and it is a HUGE risk to do so. I was able to share my feedback because I had a wonderful group of people who helped and supported me and allowed me to keep my anonymity, thereby mitigating some of the risk of speaking up.

Having their support when crafting the feedback, especially to someone I had never met in person, meant that I didn’t have to do the emotional labor of taking into account the emotions of the person who had harmed me.

I did feel some empathy for BA at the time, but I was able to give the responsibility for feeling that to others in the group so that I could just concentrate on myself and my own pain. I can’t fully explain how incredibly helpful that was to me.

Second, listen to what they want in terms of future interactions – I was prepared to lose my anonymity and offer further insights directly with BA if her original response to my feedback had been timely and receptive.

I held back most of what I wanted to tell her because I wanted to see how the first contact was received, and needless to say her response did not inspire a desire to share further.

Some people might want to give feedback once, and then not want contact with you again. However unintentionally, you are now bound up with their trauma story. Interacting further with you may just cause them more pain. If that is the case, respect that and remember to thank them.

Third, don’t argue with them about their experience or explain to them the steps you’ve taken previously to mitigate harm. You can have that conversation with your friends and allies as you process the feedback you’ve received.

You will probably be feeling guilty and helpless, perhaps even frustrated, confused or angry. Those feelings are valid, but the person who is giving you feedback doesn’t need to deal with those emotions from you. Process that on your own time.

Finally, and this is a relatively minor thing compared to the others, but in light of the many reactions to reactions going around twitter at the moment, it is important. If you are getting feedback from someone via email or social media, don't try to respond fully right away.

Acknowledge that contact has been made and tell the person immediately that you have heard them and you want to engage further, but that you need X amount of time to be able to engage fully.

The amount of time should be finite, 2 days, 2 hours, whatever (2 hours would be better than 2 days though), but if you take the opportunity to give yourself a chance to process your initial emotional response, you will be doing both you and them a favor.

For anyone considering giving feedback like this, I highly encourage you to find allies to help you craft your message before reaching out, if that’s an option. Also, choosing NOT to give feedback can sometimes be the most healthy and self-caring choice you can make.

If I hadn’t had a community to support me, I would most likely have chosen not to engage and I would definitely have felt guilty about that – what if someone else experienced trauma activation and if I spoke up I could have prevented that?

However, the risk of retaliation and further trauma by engaging is VERY REAL, as shown by how BA treated people who came to her with feedback. Choosing not to share feedback may be the absolute best choice you can make for yourself, and I respect everyone who has made that choice