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Health & fitness were massive parts of my life in different forms but the gym since I was 18. I used to be at the gym for 5:30am most days before uni/work & every single macro was tracked, I was the tupperwear girl at outings & I lived for it. It was something I was praised on
whilst engaged. How active I was, from lifting to running, to meal prep and having so much knowledge and interest on those topics were things that were appreciated. Yet I was asked to give it up once married for the first five weeks completely & then change the style of training
because girls who weight train aren't attractive. To give up tracking macros & my eating routine which for a control freak is a nightmare nvm someone who was a fitness freak aswell. But I did it, I changed, I stopped as testing as it was for me mentally, I did it for my husband.
It completely damaged the relationship I had with my body & self, it was hard for me. But I was okay with the mental struggles since it would be for the greater good, my husband would finally be attracted to me, right? wrong. It went unnoticed and nothing changed between us.
It was another thing that completely changed in a matter of days and a wedding. Something that was a massive part of who I am was taken away from me for no actual reason. He didn't like me lean and he didn't like me fuller. It was just the need to be in control & knowing he could
decide what goes whilst moulding me into something else. It has been the hardest thing to get back fully and detach myself from what was imposed on me. To know that it wasn't me at fault, it wasn't because I wasn't good enough or attractive enough. It was never me.
All I want currently is to work on my confidence & know what I actually want for myself all over again and get back to a place where I was the strongest & most able athletically whilst nourishing my body in a headspace focussed on bettering myself for myself.
