OK, story time because it's one of those days and giving a talk is kind of an emotional floodgate opening

I get a lot of praise for my speaking/presentations. There's a few people responsible for me even being a speaker or believing/understanding it's something I could do

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I assumed, being autistic and having memory deficits along with speech impediments/disabilities I would never be able to be a public speaker. It was just not really on my radar.

I did it a bit in my previous job, on panels at comic conventions but it wasn't the same as now

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Since joining the games industry in earnest in 2013 as a v vocal advocate, unafraid to take to the internet & speak up (on issues that were so stigmatised they would immediately insight harassment*), I've changed a lot

*not to mention 2014+ which we all know was a time

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I started out very, very frustrated and frankly, heartbroken at an industry I always adored. It came across as anger sometimes. I was thankful to game dev friends in my life who were a constant reminder that there are people on the other end of our words, people who care!

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First off, way, way back (around 2005) I met @amazoe. Zoë inspired me more than I can put into words. We had several long chats about her work in games, the realities of being a woman fighting for change, what her job entailed. I don't know if she knew but it lit a fire in me

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Zoë managed to put into words things that had always bothered me but I was too young, too much of an angry punk with little formal education

Zoë's eloquence, focus, and amazing insight into the world really opened my mind to what needed to happen in all our geek industries

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At the time I was very focused on the work I was doing & thought I was changing the world; that it was very feminist. It wasn't.

I've always been very easily manipulated (autistic probs) and I have had too many awful men twisting me up and abusing me in professional spaces.

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I'm pretty scarred from my previous careers, but that's another story. I've talked on it here and there, but there's parts of that story that would make me very unsafe so I don't really disclose much.

Anyway, it was what it was. It shaped me.

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I got out of those industries and from under the thumbs of my awful bosses (a horribly abusive man and woman duo).

Two weeks after I walked out metaphorically (after a huge bust up) I had my first stroke.

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An aneurism ruptured, likely brought on by years of overwork (60-70 hour weeks), stress, medications that were dangerous (I had an underlying genetic disorder that makes my arteries fragile)

I was v sick & I turned to games - suddenly the barriers were greater than ever

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It was in this time I started to become really vocal in earnest about games accessibility. I'd been talking about it for a few years thanks to declining function in my hands, but I'd been able to adapt (with pain/limits).

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I'd always known the profound barriers others faced and I'd spoken with people about them. One of the first of those people was @stevenspohn and others at AbleGamers (RIP the forums) thanks to an introduction from my friend @MandyMorbid

I never thought I could speak on that

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Until I experienced profound barriers myself. There had always been the odd game that was totally inaccessible to me, but just as I discussed in my presentation today I chalked it up to dislike or I blamed myself for the barriers I faced.

Suddenly, I couldn't play MOST games

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I talked about it, a lot online because I was heartbroken. And I mean, truly, utterly crushed.

Slowly I rehabbed, regained some function but many of the barriers remained, albeit less game blocking (sometimes - there are still plenty of games I can't play at all)

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This is getting loooong, as always. The point is I came across angry sometimes, but as I became part of the community, and as the community grew exponentially around those of us who were in it from early on a magical thing happened for me - I learned to tame my anger

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It was really important because I truly understood there were caring humans on the other end. Games Developers are so passionate. So many game devs make things for people because they love to bring happiness, pleasure, incredible experiences, and improved quality of life

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I started getting asked to come into things like design sprints in studios thanks to people like @brycej who have worked SO hard to embody the mantra "Nothing About Us Without Us".

As someone deeply involved with disability rights for years this was so important to me.

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I was being given a voice, largely, to begin with about my personal experience with disability (a Subject Matter Expert). Several studios consulted with me remotely, usually /after/ game releases in the early days. This was 2015/16

In 2017 I got super serious. I saw a gap.

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I've shared the story of my career path before, but this is more about how it lead to being a Speaker. In the middle of me buckling down and trying to learn the entire spectrum of accessibility, universal design, and most importantly, game design @ianhamilton_ reached out

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This was January 2018: I had learning to do on the game design front but I had a solid grasp of universal design thanks to work I'd done with the disability community on accessibility in the wider world. I had the basic principles of game design down & steadily advancing

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At first Ian asked me if I'd ever spoken on a panel before. I said I had, but many years ago. He invited me to be on a Sponsored Session panel at GDC 2018 for Ubisoft about the current state of accessibility in games and where we need to go in the future.

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At the time I was just starting to have one foot in the player community and one foot in the dev community. Baby steps.

So, I was invited as the player advocate to share with developers steps they can take to work with advocates directly and how that may look for studios

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I don't think I realised at the time but it was a big turning point for these discussions happening out in the open. Building bridges.

Anyway, since Ubisoft were bringing me to GDC, 3 weeks before @GA_Conf Ian asked me to give a solo talk to close out the conference.

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He linked me to @superblindman's talk from the year before and said "Can you do something like this?". It was a HELL of a lot of pressure. Here's the link to Brandon's talk:


I immediately said yes but didn't really comprehend what I'd agreed to.

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I had 3 WEEKS. I needed a title to give me a shape to fill. I'm more of a writer than speaker (it's WAY easier for me to communicate in text & being verbal is a fluctuating ability that sometimes goes away or becomes minimal)

(more coming slowly, I reached the thread limit )

I sat at an empty doc for a good 6 hours writing and deleting titles and concepts. I even tried to just start throwing slides together, it didn't stick

Eventually it suddenly popped in my mind: a love letter. I texted @notmatt that I had a title but it might be too cheesy

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"A Fraught Love Letter to The Games Industry from a Disabled Gamer"

At first, M thought I was a bit silly for needing a title before I could do anything else. He tried encouraging me to bullet point ideas but it didn't work for me. But then that title hit and it said it all

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He texted back and just said something like OMG THATS IT DO IT

So I did. I was brutally honest (not angry), very vulnerable and open - the first time I was going to talk publicly about the impact of my sudden stroke, losing my career, friends, ability to walk

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But it was also about my history with games: how they've saved my life; not just once.

I discussed a wide variety of design barriers I face personally, what that FEELS like, the impact on me, how crushing it had been, but also from a design perspective - why they're barriers
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Finally, I finished up by talking about my love of the industry and the people who make it. How I see the hard work and how much all game devs everywhere have to fight for change. I just poured my heart out and wrote it in about 4 days. 5500 words, bam.

Then I panicked, fr
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How on earth was I going to memorise ANY of this in two weeks? Maybe EVER? I practiced 3 times a day for a week, it wasn't sticking enough. The week before I left for GDC/GA Conf I made a really hard decision - I will read it out. I was terrified of this most of all?

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I was also watching a lot of talks to try and prepare myself and make myself better at speaking. Literally no one read their talks.

In typical me fashion I spent two days alone researching pro speaking advice and coachings it was all aimed at non-disabled neurotypical people

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Reading talks was seen as a cardinal sin on every single guide, website, you name it. The WORST sin of them all.

So, anyway, I practiced, practiced, practiced until I sounded fluent while reading.

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I did find one talk that was read out and that was what I identified as the weakest part of it - the person sounded like they were reading it out maybe only for the second time ever.

I had a thought - speeches given by politicians and celebrities are often written fully

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The biggest difference were the most successful politicians (Obama being one I looked to) had clearly read their speeches many, many times before giving them, even though they were also essentially reading.

So, that's what I did. I was terrified though.

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I knew this was a big opportunity to take my career to the next level and leave an impression but I was convinced my atypical needs as a speaker would mess me up

In addition to having to read my script, I was also presenting last in a long day of conferencing after travel

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At the time my muscle disabilities were pretty profound as well as the fact I was still supported by IV nutrition (which I was traveling with for the first time ever).

The way it presents is, as I use my muscles they get rapidly weaker and will suddenly give out on me

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This can be really profound that I end up not being able to sit up, hold my head up or use my arms or hands. Coffee helps because it helps with the muscle energy transmission (it's a whole complicated biology thing), so I was hoping I could stave off the worst if I needed

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The problem is that the subtlest way this shows up is that my larynx stops working properly, especially if I drink fluids because they get trapped in my larynx (my swallowing is impaired). This affects my voice and ability to project.

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It's sort of like when someone has a cold or something stuck in their throat. On top of that I'll slur my words because your jaw is controlled by... muscles Also your tongue is a muscle, y'know.

Anyway, to say I was terrified is an understatement.

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My slides were really unique. @notmatt has spoken at tech conferences and attended many. He coached me through the whole process, reassured me my methods would be OK even if they're not 'ideal'. He was the one who first had the idea of how to do my slides

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Not to make them 'art' so much as to hand write them. He'd been to a conference where someone really prominent in tech did it hand-written notes style on an iPad. I'd had my iPad pro for a year or so and he was all 'it'll be perfect, and super different'

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Me being me I took it and decided to give myself 10x the work by not just doing hand written notes but doing art style hand lettering in the vein of sign makers and such. It was a LOT of work. I actually streamed this on my twitch channel while chatting with people.

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In hindsight I think they were scruffy & not as perfect as I'd like because I'm a massive perfectionist and they were nowhere near the standard of the art I used to make

But, time was limited and I was also streaming so what did I expect. I got them done in 2x 8 hour streams

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The day before we left for San Francisco I gave the talk to M and his Mum. This was probably the hardest delivery because it was two people I'm super close to and they were RIGHT THERE. I cried. Several times. I did NOT see that coming. Like, at all.

I had no idea I'd cry

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This made me even more terrified. Crying in front of an entire audience of VERY pro game devs who I considered my burgeoning peers (remember my 'career' on the dev side was just starting to take off).

Anyway, I decided that maybe I only cried because it was family

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AHAHAHA right.

M kept very cool and said 'well, it's pretty good, here's a couple points where things weren't clear or they should be in a different order'. I edited it and off we went.

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The night I landed in San Francisco I got a flat tire on my wheelchair for the first time in the entire 3 years I'd been using one. Within 20 minutes of landing. SF your streets are FILTHY and full of sharp things.

It was 6.30pm on a Sunday. Not a single bike shop was open.

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I took to twitter asking the local disability & cycling communities if they had any hookups. No one could come through that night, but a friend who's a serious cyclist @johnnysunshine (both he and M worked at Slack at the time) said he'd come in early with his puncture stuff
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We met at the Slack office an hour before GA Conf (starting early felt like a really bad idea but I had no choice). They gave me a coffee from the coffee bar, loaded me up with snacks & John set to work with a tire iron & patch kit.

I was all set 40m later!

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(more incoming)

Off I went!! M pushed me all the way to the venue (before my electric assist), and left me to do my thing

@GA_Conf was an incredible experience all day long. So many inspiring speakers, so much info, so much passion. I didn't know many people. @brycej took me under his wing

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Social things where I know no one are pretty much the worst social situations for me. I have zero idea how I'm supposed to behave or who I'm supposed to talk to, but there were SO many friendly people. I couldn't even begin to list them all. Lunchtime was cool.

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That was the very last game dev moment I didn't really know anyone and was essentially completely anonymous. No one knew who I was or what I do (or at least they didn't say they did). In hindsight I should have cherished it more. It's been a wild 2 1/2 years since then.

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I gave my talk last in the day. I cried like an exploded pipe full of all this pressure and passion. I don't think I've ever cried like that in public before or since

One of the only people I really knew in the audience was @TisserandDavid because he was on the Ubisoft panel

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We'd had a couple of Skype calls to nail the GDC panel down so we knew each other a little. Not much, mind. He was the ONLY person I could even see in the audience. Everyone else was total blur & in darkness

David was under a light, he pulled his hood up & sank in his chair

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Literally every. single. time I looked up my eyes caught David and he kept crying!! And so I KEPT CRYING. And it escalated. I felt like an absolute mess by the end. Just that one small connection was all it took. (I'm an empathic crier too, so that didn't help).

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Here it is, here's my very first talk. It feels like a lifetime ago even though it was only 2 1/2 years.


I don't really remember too much about actually delivering the talk. I remember everyone got all my jokes which made me happy

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I like making jokes but as an autistic person my humour can seem really weird to many people and they often don't laugh - it just makes people uncomfortable.

I DO remember two things at the very end as I said, I love you: @BrannonZ started a standing ovation. I was floored.

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Cheering and everything. I never expected that kind of response.

The other thing was @LadieAuPair had given me a box of tissues half way through?? (I LOVE YOU TARA) and I tried to wheel out of the stage area fumbling ALL my shit (remote, ipad, stand, tissues, WHEELS) and...

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...people were still cheering & clapping (I think?), my mic was still hot & I'd forgotten to turn it off and I mumbled something about "I guess I'll go over here with all my stuff and cry for a bit now". What felt like the whole room laughed and clapped more. It was so moving

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In that moment I felt like I'd come home, like I belonged. There's no other way to describe it. These are my people, I knew

I just did two workshop sessions led by @nellygd on diversity and belonging and today I shared some of my hardest moments where I felt like an outsider

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But this, this was probably my most significant moment of belonging.

After the closing remarks were given (very briefly) everyone filed out to the social room for the after hours networking. I couldn't leave the theatre - too many people wanted to talk to me

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Please don't get me wrong, I don't share any of this to brag. This is about understanding that in some of us there are powerful speakers and educators and WE WILL NOT KNOW unless the right people give us a voice, a platform, and most importantly - a chance.

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When I was finally able to leave the theatre (after having spoken to some people I truly looked up to like @PortableKingpin), I was pulled quietly aside and told @jennylayfluffy was waiting to meet me.

I panicked, but auto pilot took over (I have a good auto pilot)

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Jenny's words stayed with me to today. She's the number one reason I still do talks, that I still put myself out there even though it's really, really hard

I feel like sharing the actual words will sound too much like bragging, so I'll just say - I've never felt so empowered

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In her words were the confidence and belief in myself I'd always lacked. After our chat I knew that I was cut out to do this, that this was where I should be, and that I was actually... needed? That last part is the most important. I had no idea the industry needed lil ole me

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It's not JUST ME, it's people LIKE me. I'm not special, I've just cultivated particular skills and have particular strengths when it comes to sharing and dismantling ideas and systems while delivering them with vulnerability.

I don't want to be glib and say "anyone can do it"
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The truth is, not everyone can do everything. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. But, lots of people CAN do it with the right moment, the right skills, the right understandings, and the opportunity.

So, that was it. I discovered who I am and what I can do

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As I said in today's talk I also had a LOT of developers come to me saying they saw themselves in my talk and the things I had to say. That was probably the most powerful feedback of all. I'd reached people who felt alone and unseen. Very few were saying these things out loud

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I won't tag those people because that's pretty private information that a lot of people come to me in confidence about. But, let's just say, there's a lot of developers with invisible disabilities and facing invisible barriers that you don't see, that are there.

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That moment taught me so many valuable lessons, but one of them was to STOP being such a fool and making assumptions of people. I'd always lived with invisible disabilities but somehow I'd forgotten to stop and apply the experience to those around me.

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There's a lot of assumptions of non-disabled people doing accessibility work, but let me tell you - many more people in accessibility work or who are accessibility champions are IN this work because it affects them directly.

That was an important lesson too

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I think it carries to a lot of things.

SO, that was when I discovered the power in vulnerability, that storytelling, a core skill I'd picked up in my previous career was vital to design education and accessibility work too.

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At first there were criticisms as well. They were often veiled, you know: 'oh, well, I give PRACTICAL talks while you give the EMOTIONAL ones'. They were very wrong.

My talks have always been practical, they're just embedded in stories and I'm not afraid of vulnerability.

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Even then when I was still making the progression from player advocate to developer that talk has a lot of practical advice and design problems. I present it much differently now, and I've learned a lot.

For example, to make the jump into developer I had to pull away

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I had to distance myself (a bit) from my personal experiences and stories in order for some people to take me seriously, but also it totally made me stronger in my craft - I'm able to pull from other's experiences, bring so many experiences together and talk about the IMPACT

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That's what I do now. I've lost count on the number of talks and conferences I've presented at. The love letter morphed over time. It got longer at first (see Microsoft Bootcamp here) to include more practical design stuff and even representation.



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Disability representation in games became its own talk, the first to my knowledge. Thanks again to @ianhamilton_ & the first @GA_Conf EU

Later refined it & it became last year's GDC talk which rated #1 in narrative & #3 in summits. Still can't believe it

Again, this sound braggy. I basically never ever talk about my accomplishments, especially as a Speaker. I never do this for accolades or fame or anything, but to educate, move hearts, minds, and to make us better developers

Last year in particular I delivered a lot of talks

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I gave a few very personal ones, and firsts, such as describing what a meltdown is like when I play games.

@spacedoutsmiles and @ShellELittle are the ones to empowered me to be braver with my cognitive disabilities. Don't get me wrong, I discussed them in that first talk:

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I mentioned meltdowns by name, I talk about overwhelm, confusion, memory. Describing a meltdown though, oof

Jamie & Shell are two powerful speakers who I admire greatly. Their talks on cognitive disability made me realise the industry needed a specialist like me

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I gave a v personal talk last year about how I'm tired: The Quest for Peace

It wasn't recorded. I gave it once at @a11yTO. I've been considering turning it into an article or two. We'll see. It's vulnerable, about how I never wanted to be an accessibility specialist

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Something powerful about speaking to a giant room of accessibility specialists from across tech about how I just want to be a bloody designer, but this task falls to us because we're the best for it

The power in safety of no recording; a closed room full of people who Get It

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It was full of pain after an awful mistreatment at another conf in September, and was one of those talks that wrote itself. It was brutally honest about the struggles we face as specialists, but also the triumphs and my hopes for the future of accessibility in games

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I think it may have been my favourite and most profound presentation delivery yet. Random moments where I spoke my truth there were people screaming and cheering from the audience.

Again, so grateful @thebillygregory gave me that space to be my whole self and nothing but

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Since I gave that talk I've evolved again. I was burned the fuck out. I gave another talk the next day (Pep Talk which is the final evolution of Love Letter with more dev perspective than player: )

I showed up on stage in a damn kids halloween onesie

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Part of me was worried it was hella unprofessional and would cost me opportunities and work, but the other part of me, the burned out part needed that comfort and that giant middle finger to get through that last talk of 2019.

Forever, a punk.

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I wheeled up on stage, did a twirl in my chair & apologised (sorry, not sorry), started my talk with my hood up and everyone cheered. Again, empowered

This time, the audience was peers, friends... my family. I know most people in our small discipline. I am forever home here

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Six months later I'd been through the interview process to be the first person to join @TisserandDavid's team and find my permanent, full time home. I needed it so bad.

I'd evolved. Freelance SME and Advocate > Specialist/Game Designer > Accessibility PM/Designer

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This talk I wrote for GDC that came out today, of all the talks, was the hardest. So much has changed in our industry since I first got up & spoke of who I am & my deep, flawed, broken love for games

There's so many more of us speaking up now. It's no longer completely taboo

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People are empowered, and I'm so thankful and proud of everyone. It doesn't matter if you are a 'Speaker' or not, your voice, your story is powerful and so important.

That's what today's talk was about.

It's never just one person.

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I've learned so much, so many people have helped me, nourished me, taught me, lifted me up and given me a voice. I wouldn't have been able to do any of this without them.

In my times of weakness, terror, isolation I think on all these moments of connection, and so many more

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(I should have probably written this into an article. This is the longest twitter thread I've ever written.)

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There's so many people & moments I never got to here. I get praise for my talks, my slides, style, ability to be vulnerable (yes, cry*)

But, I never did this alone. I will continue to not do this alone

I hope I pass that power on and lift others up like I was.

I'm trying

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I have never done this alone. From the few people mentioned here, to the numerous people I've been on panels with who are far too numerous to list, but notably, especially, @cypheroftyr, @TheeDoctorB, @brycej, @drjclau: all I've looked up to for years.

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This was supposed to be a thread of thanks, reflection, and honesty about the process of being a Speaker. There have been bad times, but I decided not to get into those too much.

It's challenging, exhausting, not very fun (for me), but it is powerful and important

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That's why I love and adore Speaking, Presenting, Teaching, Sharing despite its challenges for someone like me.

It's about starting conversations or fuelling the ones in progress, sharing knowledge, experience.

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* finally, yes, I was known for a while as the one who always makes people cry. I kind of hated it. What I do is so much more

I cry less now, even when I'm emotionally charged. It's practice, but sometimes, there'll be someone like David in the audience to set me off