I want to talk to ya'll about consent. I have been consulting with a few people in the Smash community about their behaviors and the beliefs those behaviors stem from and how their actions can be harmful even if they do not intend them to be. Here is my story of coercion.

When I was 20 years old, I had a crush on a 28 year old graduate student who had been my former teaching assistant. I was an overachiever, so I was attending the same research conference that he was at the end of the semester.

He was clearly into me at the conference. More then happy to provide me alcohol where he could. We got back to campus and he invited me over. He knew I loved red wine at that point so he had bought three different bottles for the TWO of us.

I was underage and thrilled to have some options to chose from. I am pretty sure I ended up drinking a bottle of wine by myself over the course of the evening because I was SO nervous and wanted to seem cool. Once I was nice and drunk, he started to make moves on me.

We started kissing and he quickly put his hand on my crotch. I moved it away because I was uncomfortable. This was the first time I had ever kissed him let alone anything else. He kept trying to touch me so I eventually thought, alright, maybe he will give me pleasure.

Wrong. He touched me for about a second before he started trying to get me to go to his bedroom with him. I denied this advance several times because I was worried what it may lead too. He kept asking. I was drunk and tired and couldn't drive and said okay, let's lay down.

We went to his room and he immediately tried to get on top of me to penetrate me. I pushed him off and said no, I wasn't comfortable with that yet. But I wanted to kiss. We kissed and he kept trying to go in me. I said no. This back and forth went on for about 20 minutes.

I was 20 years old, underage, and couldn't drive home. I felt like I had to stay at his place. And he made it clear the only way I was staying there was if he could enter me. After asking me about 5 times, I finally relented because I was tired and wanted a place to stay.

He had sex with me all night as I tried to figure out what was happening. I was completely outside of my body the entire time. There was no condom negotiation. There was no concern for my emotional or physical well being. His need was to be met regardless of how I felt.

The next day I called my friend to tell her how amazing it was. This was my way of trying to take the power back. Later that day, I lost my research assistant job. The guy who had sex with me lived with two other grad students who spread the news quickly that I slept over.

I got my RA position back. But I was faced with the reality that if I did not "legitimize" this relationship between me and this grown ass man who preyed upon me, I would face long-term consequences. The next 2 years I entered into a relationship with someone who abused me.

I am telling my story because I want people to understand that "no means no" is just too simple. Unless someone is giving you an emphatic "YES PLS" it is very hard to know if they are trying to appease you are stay safe. Please be vigilant and look into these issues.