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Hearts recruitment highlights, a thread;
David Witteveen
Picked up this albino brick layer and inexplicably gave him first team minutes.
Scored a toe-poker against Rangers.
2/10
Picked up this albino brick layer and inexplicably gave him first team minutes.
Scored a toe-poker against Rangers.
2/10
Fernando Screpis
Not often a player has a name that sounds like the disease they are plagued by.
"Why does your face look like that?"
"My bloody screpis is playing up again"
1/10
Not often a player has a name that sounds like the disease they are plagued by.
"Why does your face look like that?"
"My bloody screpis is playing up again"
1/10
Juwon Oshaniwa
The literal physical embodiment of a Nigerian lottery scam. Sounded too good to be true and ultimately wound up being complete toilet.
Mind he just punched some cunt during a match for no reason?
3/10 (extra points for being a God nut)
The literal physical embodiment of a Nigerian lottery scam. Sounded too good to be true and ultimately wound up being complete toilet.
Mind he just punched some cunt during a match for no reason?
3/10 (extra points for being a God nut)
Rafa Grezlak
The only player in our history to be signed because of how well he did slide tackling a dog in a local park.
Had one solid 90 minutes against Aberdeen then went completely hay wire.
2/10
The only player in our history to be signed because of how well he did slide tackling a dog in a local park.
Had one solid 90 minutes against Aberdeen then went completely hay wire.
2/10
Arkadiusz Klimek
A bold decision to take a picture with an animal with more footballing ability than you.
Watched him try to turn a defender and by the time he finished I was back at work. In Fife. 4 days later.
2/10 (extra point for the lovely horse)
A bold decision to take a picture with an animal with more footballing ability than you.
Watched him try to turn a defender and by the time he finished I was back at work. In Fife. 4 days later.
2/10 (extra point for the lovely horse)
Mauricio Pinilla
The KING fannybanger. Ratslapper Number 1. Came to Edinburgh with the sole intention of fucking every female on George Street and left the second he'd accomplished that.
10/10 (maximum points for the hair band)
The KING fannybanger. Ratslapper Number 1. Came to Edinburgh with the sole intention of fucking every female on George Street and left the second he'd accomplished that.
10/10 (maximum points for the hair band)
Eduardas Kurskis
This cunt genuinely dropped a ball that he'd just caught OFF HIS OWN FUCKING HEAD that resulted in a goal.
Won a move to Hearts after winning a competition on Lithuanian TV to send in the most empty Wotsit packets.
0/10
This cunt genuinely dropped a ball that he'd just caught OFF HIS OWN FUCKING HEAD that resulted in a goal.
Won a move to Hearts after winning a competition on Lithuanian TV to send in the most empty Wotsit packets.
0/10
Cole Stockton
Came. Blacked up. Left
0/10
Came. Blacked up. Left
0/10
Mike Tullberg
Do you know how many times I watched the video of him scoring an overhead kick?
No?
Go look for it on YouTube. Every single view is from me.
His hamstring disintegrated like wet sugar paper the second he hit Edinburgh.
2/10
Do you know how many times I watched the video of him scoring an overhead kick?
No?
Go look for it on YouTube. Every single view is from me.
His hamstring disintegrated like wet sugar paper the second he hit Edinburgh.
2/10
Donis Advijaj
Been a while since a player talked such a big game as this turnip. Shockingly a guy who's fucking name is DONIS turned out to be pony.
1/10
Been a while since a player talked such a big game as this turnip. Shockingly a guy who's fucking name is DONIS turned out to be pony.
1/10
Restricted this to Budge/Romanov era.
Remember when Kenny Anderson fell on his face with no one next to him
Remember when Kenny Anderson fell on his face with no one next to him
Tasos Avlonitis
Came on near the end of a game against Rangers and looked a player. Quickly transpired he was suffering from multiple, debilitating brain injuries.
2/10
Came on near the end of a game against Rangers and looked a player. Quickly transpired he was suffering from multiple, debilitating brain injuries.
2/10
Ricardas Beniusis
You know you've made it when you've already been affectionately nicknamed "Beni-useless" 8 minutes into your debut.
Came with a reputation for banging in goals. Struggled to put his shorts on the right way.
1/10
You know you've made it when you've already been affectionately nicknamed "Beni-useless" 8 minutes into your debut.
Came with a reputation for banging in goals. Struggled to put his shorts on the right way.
1/10
Dylan Bikey
Do you like shithousing? Not as much as Hearts do. Signed purely to bam up Hibs. Came in January, shot into the sun in May.
10/10 for the sheer pettiness of it all
Do you like shithousing? Not as much as Hearts do. Signed purely to bam up Hibs. Came in January, shot into the sun in May.
10/10 for the sheer pettiness of it all
Juho Makela
No this isn't a terminally ill David Witteveen. It's this useless bag of shit that somehow SCORED AGAINST BARCELONA
10/10 for all of the shits and giggles
No this isn't a terminally ill David Witteveen. It's this useless bag of shit that somehow SCORED AGAINST BARCELONA
10/10 for all of the shits and giggles
Mirsad Beslija
The Bosnian Bullet, who someone shot around 50 minutes into his Hearts career and that was the end of that.
Fair play to him perfectly recreating the face my dad did the first time I told him how good Ru Paul's Drag Race is
3/10
The Bosnian Bullet, who someone shot around 50 minutes into his Hearts career and that was the end of that.
Fair play to him perfectly recreating the face my dad did the first time I told him how good Ru Paul's Drag Race is
3/10
Chris Hackett
I'm assuming this is Photoshopped because I've zero recollection of him getting any game time.
Hyped up as a pacey winger but for all I know he could have been a middle aged Carribbean woman.
1/10
I'm assuming this is Photoshopped because I've zero recollection of him getting any game time.
Hyped up as a pacey winger but for all I know he could have been a middle aged Carribbean woman.
1/10
Danny Swanson
Astonishing that this deal actually happened. What wasn't astonishing was the lack of fucking effort he showed while here. Would have been as well coming out in his jammies and having a wee sleep when the games kicked off.
0/10
Astonishing that this deal actually happened. What wasn't astonishing was the lack of fucking effort he showed while here. Would have been as well coming out in his jammies and having a wee sleep when the games kicked off.
0/10
Dawid Kucharski
Possibly the only Hearts player to ever start a slide tackle inside his own 6 yard box that was aimed at a player on the half way line.
Has the cold dead eyes of a man who's watched a Doberman eat his wife's arse at a swingers party.
Possibly the only Hearts player to ever start a slide tackle inside his own 6 yard box that was aimed at a player on the half way line.
Has the cold dead eyes of a man who's watched a Doberman eat his wife's arse at a swingers party.
