As a relatively junior lawyer who sent solo right after articling, I've generally been apprehensive about publicly discussing my personal struggles with mental health, for fear of alienating potential clients or damaging my professional reputation. /1

#lawtwitter

Knowing that the stigma attached to mental illness is especially hard to dispel for lawyers (and other professions), I've often wanted to share - if only to comfort some other poor soul that he or she is not alone. But, I always keep waiting for some perfect future time when.../2

...I am more well established in my profession and self-employment, and when I can confidently say that my symptoms no longer impact my ability to practice on a consistent basis: some golden tomorrow where I am "functionally normal"; have a boatload of reported decisions.../3

...to stand behind to demonstrate to clients and colleagues that I am a good lawyer; and have an established client and referral base.

But I am realizing that I keep changing my own goal posts - chasing the dragon of a golden tomorrow that continuously eludes me. /4

I am beginning to realize that there is no perfect, professional time to open up about personal vulnerabilities.

And my idea of that "perfect time" just keeps changing anyways. If it exists at all, I'm not sure my anxieties would allow me to recognize it. /5

I find my own silence somewhat sadly ironic. While I've dealt with mental illness for most of my life (worsening in adulthood), I actually didn't recognize some of my disabilities for what they were until I confided in a fellow student at law school, who had her own struggles. /6

Until I spoke with that wonderful friend, I didn't even have the language to recognize/categorize some of my problems and effectively communicate with my physician. It was in fact because of a fellow law student sharing her experience that I was able to begin to.../7

...understand what I was experiencing. I know, it sounds strange to say this. How can someone not know what they are experiencing? But we really can be mysteries even to ourselves. Without the proper linguistic categories, sometimes we can't discern what's right in front of us /8

What I mean to say is - someone else sharing her own mental health struggles helped me to understand and diagnose my own (with the help of my doctor, of course, who is amazing). Without her counsel, I might have waited *years* longer to begin seeking the proper treatment. /9

Looking back on how (and how much) that wonderful person helped me, just by opening up about herself and her experiences, I am troubled by my own apprehension to lay bare my own vulnerabilities.

Because I'm sure that, somewhere out there.../10

... there's another law student (or lawyer) struggling in silence, wondering if he or she is the only person who feels the way they do, and not understanding why or what can be done about it.

Meanwhile, from the outside looking in, (almost) everyone else appears to be.../11

...excelling professionally, unimpeded by the burdens of mental illness.

But that's the rub, isn't it? Mental illness isn't like a broken leg. There's no cast, crutches, or visible limp. It's a private, lonely struggle, often not visible to the world unless disclosed. /12

If perchance this rambling string of tweets reaches the eyes of some other 'law soul' struggling with their inner demons:

You're not alone. Talk about it, even if only in confidence within your social circle. And yes, it can get better, and you can still be an amazing lawyer /13