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Okay. So, I am exploring the oversharing that occurs within the adoption community, and am picking up where I left off. Original thread here: https://twitter.com/WordyRamblings/status/1288454679811231745?s=19
Where I left off last time was at discussing the "but" adopters and carers. So, that's where we shall start.
This particular group of "but" adopters and carers sometimes are also the proud parent oversharer and/or the gloom and doom oversharer. These are not mutually exclusive categories.
If this is you, you are as bad as the gloom and doom parent. You are doing genuine harm and you are using someone else's trauma and abuse as an excuse to do so. I see you everywhere, and you're usually very self congratulatory.
You saved a baby. You care the MOST about the orphans. You stopped a poor sad child from LANGUISHING in CARE. You're superior to everyone in every single way. You're also by and large the most selfish person that has ever existed.
You like to show up when someone has dared mention how #adoption is actually extremely flawed. You just can't seem to help yourself. You're the savior that's going to set the record straight.
You come full barrel with a horrifying story of loss. YOUR child was found in a literal trash barrel that was set on fire while dogs howled. YOUR child was tied to the railroad tracks. YOUR child was absolutely thrown away like garbage and YOU SAVED THEM.
You come half cocked and beat on adult adoptees with trauma that is often their own trauma you asshole.
You have the unmitigated gall to tell the person that lived the loss you share with such glee that we need to shut up and be grateful.
You have the unmitigated gall to tell the person that lived the loss you share with such glee that we need to shut up and be grateful.
You are quick to say that we must want to set all the babies on fire and throw them all in ditches and maybe we want to to back to the orphanage since #adoption is so bad.
That we, the people that are the abandoned babies all grown up, need to respect you?!
That we, the people that are the abandoned babies all grown up, need to respect you?!
First of all, and I mean this from my toes to the tippy top of my head: Fuck you.
You're a disgusting excuse for a human being. Your oversharing about the (possibly untrue) circumstances of that adoptee's circumstances is for no other reason than to harm us.
You're a disgusting excuse for a human being. Your oversharing about the (possibly untrue) circumstances of that adoptee's circumstances is for no other reason than to harm us.
You want to prove us wrong. You want us to feel bad for daring to question the system that is so flawed it would allow a person as devoid of moral fortitude as yourself to adopt. You're awful.
You honestly think you have ownership over this story. You think that you are the exception. You think you deserve a trophy. You have a house where the adoptee will never be allowed to speak honestly safely and truthfully about their feelings.
How can they? You're going to put it all on the internet. You're going to accept all this praise for destroying the trust and privacy of a fucking baby. You're the gold standard for every adoptee example of a saviour complex.
God willing your adoptee wont go down the road I went down with a savioristic abuser for a parent.
God willing they won't spend years trying to kill themselves.
God willing they won't think their entire existence isnt worth having.
God willing they won't spend years trying to kill themselves.
God willing they won't think their entire existence isnt worth having.
You'll never know. Because they wont tell you shit. Why would they? You saved them. You're quick to point out how much better off they are now. You've spent years indoctrinating them with what's acceptable for them to think and feel.
You've already shared the most private and intimate parts of their lives with everyone. You've set this standard. Theyd better earn this amazing opportunity to be worthy of being alive that you have so graciously afforded them.
Because after all, we would be dead in a ditch without you wouldnt we? We could have just been aborted right? We would never ever ever have been accepted and loved without you oh great provider savior. Let me bow down before you. Do I kiss your feet, as the unwashed adoptee mass?
So here's my questions.
Was it worth it?
Did you win?
Are you the top dog of adoption now?
Feel like I gave you enough praise?
Was it worth it?
Did you win?
Are you the top dog of adoption now?
Feel like I gave you enough praise?
Is it acceptable to you that im the person your #adoptee will find? I sure hope so. Because I am the person your #adoptee will find one day. And when your relationship lays in ruin around you, remember it's what you wanted. Because if I'm better off dead to you so are they.
Stop sharing the circumstances of why an adoptee was adopted. Stop sharing the reasons a kid is in care. Stop trying to use the abuses we have lived as your fodder to silence us. Stop playing the victim when you're the abuser. Stop encouraging others to do this.
Stop trying to assuage your guilt for complicity in a broken system with what you think is the proof you're right. Actually protect this child you claim to care about. Stop putting us on display like we are a freak show exhibit.
Grow up. It isnt about you. It was never supposed to be about you. And your demands are disgusting. Your behavior is completely uncalled for. You are the embodiment of further trauma. Your adoptee will grow to hate you and your coersion and your control... but...
More importantly they will grow to hate themselves. Theyll grow with no claim on the word no. They will never be able to set an appropriate boundary for others. You've destroyed their autonomy.
Hope your 12 likes were worth the immeasurable pain you cause.
Hope your 12 likes were worth the immeasurable pain you cause.
Sidenote, this happens in all adoptions, but there is an extra high level of this within adoptions where the adoptee is from another country. Usually also adopted into a family that is not the same race as them. Usually white adopters.
The disdain you have for the country of origin is palpable. The overall feeling of superiority you exhibit over the original family and circumstances usually involving poverty is loud and clear.
We watch you erase the race, culture, and identity of these adoptees every single day. We watch you move them into areas where they have zero cultural connection, zero racial mirroring, and in some circumstances zero grasp of the spoken language.
Some of the very people you argue with were at one point this exact child. Do you still think you're right? Do you still think your knowledge is superior to the person that lived it? Do you really think your money and whiteness and power is actually a better life? You shouldn't.
And that rounds out the overall view of the "but" adopters. Adoptees and FFY are welcome to add anything else to this that I may have left out.
Going to charge my phone and then the next section I'm going to touch on are the professional adopters.
Going to charge my phone and then the next section I'm going to touch on are the professional adopters.
Professional adopters, you're the bloggers and the "our adoption story" book writers. You're the youtuber. Your income is driven by the adoptees or foster youth in your care. You are literally profiting off of our stories, and I have words for you.
