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had a good therapy sesh today about traumas & triggers & learned that im doing better than i thought w this healing stuff. we talked abt how the trauma of my last job colors and influences the projects im currently working on
i get trauma and ptsd and how it works. i said that no matter how good the current landscape looks, there's always a big, shadowy building w red eyes, dripping fangs and sharp talons just waiting for its time to jump out & fuck me up again
my body is already in overdrive trying to stay safe anyway, so when it feels like there could be actual danger its hard to settle down & remind myself of the truth, yknow? thats one of the reasons we need people, to help us zoom out & calm us down in tough spots
one of my closest people still works at my last job & his experience was waaay diff from mine, so making him understand my feelings and what i experienced is sometimes frustrating even tho he tries his very best to put himself in my shoes & empathize
i dont get mad when he cant bc it makes sense that he cant. he comforts as best he can--i hear you, im listening, that sounds really hard, things will get better. but sometimes you really need to hear specific things from ppl whove been in your specific spot, yknow?
i told my therapist abt a journal entry & that id written it after a lil anxiety attack brought on by old shit. i sat down & wrote down the things that i needed someone to hear. they didnt necessarily feel true as i wrote them down, but i knew that that's what i needed to hear
'youre not dumb for taking someone at their word. youre not stupid for trusting someone who ended up taking advantage of you. you can still trust protect yourself. there are still things in your control. you are not crazy. youre not weak for being sad abt being hurt' etc etc
i read the entry to her & knew she'd be proud but she was proud abt a thing i didnt even realize was happening:
i was able to give myself what i typically turn to other people for. i recognized what i needed to hear, wrote them, read them, & actually felt them & it helped some
i was able to give myself what i typically turn to other people for. i recognized what i needed to hear, wrote them, read them, & actually felt them & it helped some
one of the first things i remember asking my therapist was 'what IS self-love, though? like how do you do that, where does it come from? is it like a voice you hear in your head? is it looking in the mirror & being turned on by what you see?!' lol i truly didnt get it
i was also dealing with an abusive & unworthy male i depended on for validation, for making me feel worthy, etc. she asked why it was important that those things come from him? do you know youre capable of generating those things yourself? i said nope, sounds fake
but im sloooooooooooooooowwwwwly recognizing moments when im able to give my heart, my mind and my spirit things that i need in order to not sit down and give up on whatever it is thats stressing me out at the moment
the night i wrote that lil journal entry, for example. after i wrote it i cried and went to crochet or play video games or something to zone out. i did not beat myself up or dwell or linger or wallow. i actually met my own needs. it sounded so fake, i swear it did!
it still does sometimes tbh but this is something i was 100% unable to do when our sessions began. its happening now bc ive been working my round & ample butt off trying to become someone & something better, & every second that we *try* we're gaining ground, we just dont know it
the thing that currently sounds fake is that one day the weight of all the scars and wounds wont be this heavy for the rest of my life, that i wont respond to every situation as if im still in the midst of the toughest time of my life. its just too far away to sound feasible rn
but so was being able to soothe myself and meet my needs in the little way i did; that was too far away at one point too
so maybe its not fake, idk. the moral of the story is to keep working on you & just bc you dont feel things changing doesnt mean that things arent changing
so maybe its not fake, idk. the moral of the story is to keep working on you & just bc you dont feel things changing doesnt mean that things arent changing
& also, when you do recognize your wins, CELEBRATE THE FUCKIN SHIT OUT OF EM. big or small. make your body crave the feeling of surprising yourself & making yourself proud!
