Thread by @WordyRamblings, Alright. So. Today I am going to begin my deep dive into [...]

Alright. So. Today I am going to begin my deep dive into #adoption, APs/Carers, and the multitude of ways #adoptee and #FosterYouth stories are not properly protected by the adults tasked with their care.

This is going to be a long one. This might end up having to be multiple threads over a few days. There are both extreme and subtle ways this happens and I'm going to try to expand on them all. But before I begin I have a few preemptive thoughts and overall disclaimers.

First things first: this isn't a debate. If you read this and do any of these things, I do absolutely mean you and you need to change what you're doing.

There aren't exceptions when its actually okay. Period.

Second thing, none of this is a guidebook or suggestion for how you can avoid sharing things with the original family. If you have access to them, don't you dare cut them out for "privacy".

Third thing, i am an adult adoptee but I'm not the *only* adult adoptee. I welcome additional insight and perspective from adult adoptees. It would behoove everyone to listen to all of us... however idc who you are. If you come to argue FOR the overshare I'm going to block you.

And final point. This conversation has the potential to be triggering for some adoptees and former foster youth, as well as people who were not granted the respect of basic privacy. If my adoptee friends are not in a place to handle that today PLEASE mute me.

Oh and I guess actually THIS is the final thing. I may have tweets that just say "you". The "you" is APs and Carers.

I may also just say adoptee, but I mean adoptees, former foster youth and foster youth. Character limits may make me imprecise but I mean everyone.

Let's get started. There's an unspoken understanding within #adoption that you can share whatever part of an #adoptees story you want. From a line by line of their entire daily life, to before and after photos, to whatever you believe the whole story of before adoption is.

The more insidious unspoken agreement is that you, as the AP/Carer, are also part of their story. That you're sharing what you call "our" story. It's not their story it's our story I'm part of it so I can share this. Being the most common thing I hear.

I've said it before but once more With FEELING.

It is NOT your story to share. You are a BACKGROUND CHARACTER in the story of THEIR life. Accept your role. If THEY want their story out there, THEY can share that as THEY see fit. Not you. There is no us here. Just stop.

Let's begin to pick apart the different kinds of overshares, shall we? I'm going to start with the category that from the outside looking in appears the most innocuous. I'm going to explain why it isn't, and perhaps make suggestions for how to improve.

This first category of oversharer would be seen as the "proud parent" overshare. We've all seen it. You might be doing it. On the surface, what could possibly be wrong with a proud parent sharing the joy and wonder of their kid? Well. I'm going to tell you.

The conveyance for this over share comes in a lot of forms.

Maybe it's just a regular old social media account, like here or fb. You're not profiting off of this sharing monetarily (more on them later). You're just being a proud parent.

Heres some questions to ask yourself?

Do you preface every post with how they are in care or adopted?

Do you reiterate on each one that you're an adoptive parent or carer?

Is the proud moment surrounded by a story of woe that they overcame?

Is your social media name and/or description something that tells everyone every time you talk about your kids that this is an adopted kid or foster kid?

Do you hashtag the post regardless of relevancy?

Is it public?
Can strangers see it?
Is it public and strangers can see it *and* it has their photo? (Yes. Even as your profile photo.)

Have you likely without even realizing it shared other details of your life that someone motivated to do so *can find you*?

I'm going to use baking a cake again as my example. Please see below for examples of when you are the "proud parent" oversharer.

Ex 1: went to [geographic location] park today and then baked this delightful cake together. They really got in there mixing it up [photo of adoptee with cake].

#adoption #mombyadoption #dadbyadoption #adoptionrocks #careexperienced #therapaueticparenting #adopter

In case you arent aware... you're not only oversharing faces location and adoption status in example one... you're not sharing a happy cake day. You're simply a walking talking ad for adoption and it's ridiculous. This is also all about you. Quit it. What could you have said?

"Kid and I went to the park today and then we baked a cake. Had a great time. [Optional Photo of cake only]."

That's it. Done. Look at that. Everyone knows you had a fun day. Nobody has searchable tags. Its about the cake and fun again. Simple.

Also, could have said nothing.

Example 2: "My adopted kid and I went to the park and then baked a cake. I never thought I'd see the day that they were able to feel safe and confident and able to transition so well. It's been a lot of work but I'm just so proud of them.The good days make it all worth it."

Example two is often also filled with tags for adoption and usually theres still a photo as well. But even if there isn't.... you all have got to be kidding me.

You're actively displaying this kid's trauma and struggles for what end? We dont need to know how hard you've worked.

This is again less about being proud of your kids accomplishment and again is seeking praise for all your hard work. Do you want a cookie to go with your cake?

Do you need to know what you can say instead? See what I said the first time. It still applies.

Who needs to know how this is a milestone moment? Strangers on the internet? Why? Close friends and family are already going to be aware of the struggle side the adoptee has been experiencing. Sharing that isn't for their benefit and deep down you know this. Do better.

small aside, perhaps you've shared something akin to these two posts at some point and suddenly... out of nowhere... a wild band of adult adoptees have shown up and been "mean" to you. Why would some STRANGER feel the need to crap on you like this. They don't even KNOW you.

EXACTLY!!! WE DON'T KNOW YOU!!! And if we can find it so can literally anyone else. Maybe we are the first one that burst your bubble of the illusion of privacy... but believe me you've been searchable the whole time.

So if you're really not sure what the line is, consider:

If there's a small chance adult adoptees would show up and give you the what-for then rework your post. It may seem mean, but we are more focused on your adoptee than you. You should be as focused on the adoptee as us.

You can also run it through the "me" thought process. If you were the adoptee... would you appreciate the implications of the post standing in perpetuity for all to see?

If your answer is still yes, consider the following as well:

Has your post set a standard for the adoptee? Do they have a job now? All your pride and hashtags imply that you're proud of them because they are living up to your expectations of adoption. All your praise is on the backs of them having pleased you.

If I get good grades or show enthusiasm or improve on xyz... theyll tell everyone they're proud of me. I'm worth it. I can be kept. I earned my keep. I am useful. I am a good choice.

Maybe you're not aware but the hidden implication is if they arent "postworthy" they aren't worthy at all. Or maybe you're going to post with the same vigor when they displease you. Maybe you do. That brings me to the second group of oversharers. The "gloom and doom" overshare.

We have all seen you too. The overwhelmed parent that has a new woe every day. Everything is hard. You're so embattled. You dont know what to do. Some of you will go so far as to state that your adoptees are the literal worst. Youre the victim. This is ruining you.

Maybe you're insisting this is under the guise of desperation. You need support. You need help. You need to be heard. You you you you you.

I'm going to be very honest and very clear right now. By and large, I do not feel bad for you. I do not think you want support. I do not think you want to do better. I think you want praise for being so great while this kid is so awful. I think you're devoid of compassion.

I think you adopted to save a child. I think you overestimated your own abilities. I think you know exactly fuck all about trauma. I think you're making things worse. I think you have zero insight into your own culpability. I think that its atrocious you were approved.

I think if this is you and you're reading this you want to know why I dont see your battle and why am I demonizing you. Sweetie I'm just talking about you the way you talk about your adoptee. Sucks, doesn't it?

I'd like to find your relatives, friends, and enemies from childhood to now. I'd like to collect stories about you. I want to share them with your face for the world to see. I'd like a list of every tantrum every accident every single time you did something wrong.

I want to place it on a stage where hundreds, if not thousands of people every single day can associate you to the time you had poor judgement. I'd like that to follow you to the ends of the earth and back. I'd also like for your side of the story to be entirely irrelevant.

You at this point, if you haven't blocked me, may and to ask what in the actual hell is wrong with me? Why would I want to so thoroughly destroy your life.

How could I be so cruel? Well again. This is the bed you made for your adoptee. If its cruel for you... well... ?

Let's go back to cake again. The gloom and doom is often accompanied by all the same hashtags as before. Sometimes theres some new ones. #huggingthecactus #RAD #ParentingInTheTrenches #adoptionwarrior *insert special needs dx hashtag here*

G&D Example one:

I tried so hard to just have a nice special day today. I took kid to the park and tried to bake a cake. But no, they had a total meltdown and ruined everything. They threw the mixer and tried to bite someone and I just don't even know what do do with them.

Sometimes example one is accompanied by photos of a destroyed object. A busted mixer, a ruined cake, a broken window, bite Marks, a mess in a living room. The theme is always the same. My adoptee sucks and I didnt sign up for this. I just want a nice normal family.

First of all. You did sign up for this. You quite literally requested to bring a child home, that was absolutely going to have varying degrees of trauma. You may have been unprepared for the reality but the only person that didn't sign up for this is the adoptee. Period.

Let's pretend that you're at the end of your proverbial rope. You just can't get whatever support from a professional right now. Have you considered that you've set a stage where the only people that will respond to you are people doing the same thing as you?

So now theres a gaggle of adopters all talking about how hard it is to be them. The adoptee maybe had trauma sure but the *real* trauma is what's happening to the adults. Just a circle of people reinforcing how wronged they are and how hopeless it is.

Seriously. Are you fucking kidding me?! I see no advice coming from a group of APs and carers that are convinced they're already doing their absolute best that will in any way actually help you.

Have you considered not blaming the #adoptee for your emotions. Considered that maybe just maybe they're going through some shit you do not understand? Have you considered that witnessing a reactive child means you're adjacent to trauma the likes of which you've never seen?

Have you considered "I'm struggling with how to process a situation. I can't figure out what is causing certain explosions or reactive events here. I'm feeling pretty defeated, and don't have the resources to address these issues."

And then without publicly sharing anything else you request information and guidance for how to handle trauma. You ask for books, possibly see if people that have lived the *trauma* not the reaction can suggest things you're overlooking.

You figure out a friend or confidante and you share with them the range of the event. You do what every parent should do and you seek appropriate private support and resources. You dont pathologize the adoptee. You dont set up for people to reinforce how bad you have it.

You draw attention to the complete and utter lack of preparation you had. You pull on the fact that you're woefully outgunned. You STAY VAGUE. You dress down the systems that lied to you about your expertise, not the adoptee that came from said system.

Decide if you want better for the adoptee, or if you're really looking for someone to agree with you about the adoptee.

If it's the second one, delete your social media, and evaluate your life choices that led to wanting strangers to tell you your child is a piece of shit.

I'm going to take a brief intermission and come back for more here in a bit. Hourish?

When I return I'm going to get into the "but" oversharers. The ones that use their adoptees origin stories as a stick to beat others with, or a defense for their choices. Stay tuned.

Alrighty. I'm back and picking up on a new thread. When I'm done I'll link it here... but this one is likely long enough. See you on the new thread.

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