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I’ve been feeling down on myself all day, so let’s crank up the masochism and do this. I haven’t seen the movie or the stage show, and I don’t know the plot or the music. This is as fresh a viewing as it gets. And away. We. Go!
I should point out that I’m not even drinking while watching. We drank a lot over the weekend and Karin and I made a pact not to drink again until Thursday. I’m already regretting all my life choices.
BAHAHAHAHAHA THE DISC WONT EVEN PLAY
I’ve tried three times. Each time it goes through the Downton Abbey trailer and then the screen goes black.
You know those nights where you try really hard to watch Cats and instead all you can watch is the trailer for the Downton Abbey movie on repeat? Oh, that’s never happened to you?
Wait, it’s working! Fourth time’s the charm!
THIS IS HAPPENING
THIS IS HAPPENING
Piracy is not a victimless crime. But then, neither was the Cats movie.
Fifth time I’ve seen the Universal logo intro in ten minutes. Remember a few years back when they had the best year a studio has ever had? Also, remember a few years back when the word “best” could be used to describe literally anything?
It begins with stray animals squaring off over an unknown thing that smells promising. This scene was better in Isle of Dogs.
I’m so confused, why is the cat absolutely dwarfed by the baby stroller? Cats are literally the same size as babies. And yet the cat looks like a chipmunk in there.
I already have no fucking clue what’s happening. What’s a “jellicle cat?”
Also, my phone tried *realllly* hard right there to autocorrect “jellicle” to “Hello CLE,” which might tell you how much I text about Spinal Tap.
Okay, we all know that turning legitimate actors into CGI cats is a terrible idea. But what this new movie presupposes is, What if it wasn’t?
Why are these cats so sexualized? Was the play like this? Were they constantly spreading their legs to accentuate their epic crotchlessness?
Everything related to size and basic object-to-cat proportions in this movie is fucking hopeless
How many of the actors involved in this movie do you think ever actually watched it?
And how many days do you think they spent on set before they asked their agents what the penalties of quitting would be?
I would pay for a day-by-day update of Tom Hooper’s mental status during post production. He had to realize at some point that he’d made the one of the worst movies in human history, right?
Tom Hooper might never work again. IMDb doesn’t have anything listed for “Upcoming.” Most directors have half a dozen movies listed as upcoming—anything in development or being rumored.
Do you think Tom can even get a meeting with a studio right now? Does his agent answer the phone? What’s the worst career jail any filmmaker has ever been in?
The cats are holding silverware now, and I remain mystified by the proportions being displayed. The forks are dwarfing the cats’ heads. I know this isn’t what I’m supposed to be focusing on, but **people made these choices**
It’s worth remembering that the reason the CGI looks so awful is because they were incredibly rushed for a December release. And why was that? BECAUSE PEOPLE THOUGHT THIS MOVIE WOULD COMPETE FOR OSCARS.
