TW: Miscarriage

Guess it's time for this. Gather around, folx. Let's talk about how turning miscarriage into a taboo topic is so toxic.

Let's start w/ some statistics. Approx 10-20% of known pregnancies end in (usually early) miscarriage. The actual number is higher b/c miscarrying before knowing you're pregnant is rather common.

Miscarriage is not the rarity people think it is. It's frustratingly common. Which means, you know someone that's miscarried. Probably several someones. This is a thing we all deal w/. We just aren't supposed to talk about it.

What makes miscarriage a messy topic of discussion is that none of us are going to agree on what miscarriage IS. We know what it is medically. But whether it's losing a child or having a slightly heavier period is really up to the person experiencing it.

You don't get bereavement days for an early miscarriage. There isn't a funeral (usually). And I get where this comes from. If we treat a miscarriage as not losing a child, it should hurt less.

There's an additional issue in that, if we recognize miscarriage as a loss of a child, that makes abortion messy. How can we mourn losing what otherwise we see as a medical procedure that's just tissue removal?

Added to this, miscarriage is treated as an icky lady health thing. You're not supposed to bring up a miscarriage like you don't bring up your period. It's not a civilized topic to discuss. Again, ridiculous considering how common it is.

What we're left w/ is this: whether for well-meaning reasons, or refusal to wrestle w/ a medically & ethically complex issue, we Do Not Discuss Miscarriage. It is not an event w/ social guidelines. There's no clear cultural rules.

What happens when something has no social guidelines? Well. We sort of just ignore it.

People ignore what they're not comfortable messing w/. And the person causing the discomfort, they're the problem for causing it. But w/ miscarriage, that means the person that miscarried is at fault for causing discomfort by mentioning they miscarried.

Our lack of cultural or social responses to miscarriage means that we are taking what is a common & sometimes difficult event & just...pretending it doesn't happen. We aren't supporting these people as a community. They suffer alone.

If you mourn a miscarriage too much, you're the problem. Hell, for many people, mourning AT ALL is overdramatic. And we're left w/ a really toxic situation where pregnancy & loss become this permanently entwined cycle.

How we treat miscarriage is toxic for a lot of reasons, but the biggest is b/c it demands silence of pregnant people. They are told the Proper Way To Act & anything else is demonized & dismissed & they're silenced.

But there's toxicity in those around a miscarriage, too. B/c if we can't, as a society, acknowledge that pregnant people miscarry, we certainly can't allow space to support the partners of those people, who may feel that loss just as strongly.

We shouldn't assume miscarriage is this cataclysmic event for everyone. As I said, many of us miscarry before knowing, & many of us don't mourn. And that is FINE. There is NO shame there. That's a valid response.

But we do, as a society, need to acknowledge miscarriage is a thing that Has Emotional Responses. We need to make space for the messiness or we risk putting a lot of people in childbearing age & their partners in a permanently repressed state.

We need to acknowledge miscarriages are COMMON so pregnant people have the tools to process these events. It's incredibly toxic that no one is told this is a thing they'll likely go through, that we aren't given skills to process.

We need to acknowledge miscarriage is a MEDICAL ISSUE. That is, you sometimes need time off, or medical intervention. It might change what you can do or impact future pregnancies. It should be as acceptable to discuss as any other serious medical issue.

We need to acknowledge miscarriage IS LOSS for SOME people. Losing a wanted pregnancy can hurt as much as losing a child. And that pain, it's valid, it's real, & it's terrifying to experience solo.

We cannot continue as a society to banish miscarriage to the icky medical & social problem corner along w/ menstruation & adoption. Discomfort creates even more victims. We have to wrestle w/ this.

Make space for miscarriage as one of a range of issues you will encounter. And ask yourself, how would you respond if a friend miscarried? If you miscarried? Think on that before it happens. Make space for that possibility.

Figure out how to respond to miscarriage in a compassionate, respectful manor. Be willing to be that support network. You'll probably be the only support a victim knows. Accept that responsibility & move forward w/ it.

Now let's make this person.

I've miscarried multiple times. Some broke my heart, some a relief. Know what friends told me? Almost. Nothing.

When I miscarried, coworkers sent no sympathies though they did give sympathies to another coworker that had the flu at the same time. I didn't qualify for time off or bereavement. No one checked to see if I was OK.

When I tried to talk about the miscarriage, whether b/c I was having a difficult emotional time or physical after-effects happen, coworkers told me to stop being inappropriate, friends disappeared, loved ones called me overdramatic.

My experiences are frustratingly common. I haven't spoken to a single other person that has miscarried which hasn't experienced precisely what I did. Across cultures, countries, we ALL experience it. And so did their partners.

We need to change how miscarriage is talked about & dealt w/. Enough people have suffered this alone. Let's try to ensure that, in the future, less have to.

And don’t send me sympathies after this thread. I’ve processed my losses. If it happens again, welL, send sympathy then. For now I’m OK