After joking about to today, I went ahead and made it.

EPL clubs as bourbons:
🔽🔽🔽🔽
Arsenal ➡️ Blanton's

Big name, lots of hype, lots of tradition. Often overrated.
Chelsea ➡️ Willett Family Estate

Bit of a glamour pick. Solid bourbon and brand thriving on recent investment.
Manchester United ➡️ Maker's Mark

Iconic brand, draped in red. Very popular around the world.
Liverpool ➡️ Booker's

Comes in a wine bottle and a fancy wooden box because it thinks it's better than you.
Manchester City ➡️ Barrell Craft Spirit

Very nice. Awards winning and expensive. Also, wasn't around in the 90s.
Everton ➡️ Woodford Reserve

It's fine.
Spurs ➡️ Wild Turkey 101

Hipster pick but a solid bourbon. Avian themed.
Newcastle ➡️ Old Grand-Dad

Just lookin to fight someone.
West Ham ➡️ Bulleit

Puts offs a real rough, blue-collar, hard working vibe. But don't be fooled, they're not broke.
Burnley ➡️ Mellow Corn

Charmingly enjoyable swill.
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