Hey all, and good morning to you all! Appts are never ending, so I should say good afternoon.. yet

So, I seen a tweet yesterday that's been sticking with me, so I wanna discuss that today, and add CW: rasicm, domestic violence, trauma.

And I know this may not be a popular

Take. I'm light skinned, and I absolutely KNOW 100% that anything I have faced, is NOTHING compared to my family or friends who have darker skin. Who are an "obvious minority", when others wouldn't know I'm an Indigenous woman. So I am sorry, and I do hope you read all the way to

The end, and just, think on it. Because some of with light skin can and do understand what you all go through, and why we support you. Why we hate cops, or child advocacy agencies, who fail us over and over again. And I hope, if you are reading this as an ally, you can learn from

It, or just sit and think on it as well. But remember, this is also not everyone experience. It is my own.

So AOC got called out, and stood up in Congress to talk about what happened. And then this thread came out. It really made me think. https://twitter.com/AprilCArmstrong/status/1287490637756063746?s=19

My mother never got over my fathers suicide. She blamed herself, and until the last few months, I thought she blamed me. (Reasons, not so pertinent to the story). But she dated, and has never remarried. She had one bf for 10 years, who (I think I mentioned in a past thread) was

FN, and I as a child was excited, because he was like my dad. I blocked all my memories of him within days of his death, and only started remembering through therapy, and getting his autopsy report in December.

Anyways.

This man she dated (he passed now, but I wont name him)

Was very abusive. It didnt start as much, and my mom tried to have us get along, but, I was always getting in trouble by him... leaving books around the house, or, having friends who were boys.. by 10 or 11 though, it started getting bad. Physically. And it wasnt towards my mom.

It was towards me. And it became a daily issue. Screaming fights in our kitchen, and I remember just stopping up and down screaming how much I hated him. He hated me to. And ots quite possible that's also why I felt my mom hated me. I would call my grandparents, and they would

Drive down the hill and try and help calm everything down. It wasnt until the last few years, I realized it did more harm for her. She stayed at work more and more, late hours, and I started raising my brother while he sat around. My brother had migraines every 2nd day, since he

Was 2, and so I did the meds, the laundry, the baths, tuck him into bed with a cold facecloth.. all that.

But he started fighting my friends. They were boys, and he would talk about his jealousy. (I was so scared I was going to be molested by him also). He would stand outside

My bedroom door at night holding a knife. And I'd try to fall asleep, and the dreams I would have...

Anyways.

My grandmother had arthritis for 40 some years, could walk or anything for the last 12... so contractured, it was pretty bad, and saddening. But she never complained.

And it got to the point where they couldnt help when I called them anymore. So I called the police.

I always have remembered 2 of them laughing outside "shes a white woman, she should know better). This was the 90s. They weren't going to protect us. And my mom wasnt getting beat

I remember crying my 12th birthday too. I couldnt kill him anymore and get away with it. My best friend since I was 5, she remembers too.

It took years, but eventually, around grade 9, he got me good enough, I was finally able to charge him. He was 30 at the time. Still when he

Passed away, all those people I grew up with, I apologized to them, for what he did, when they were 8, 10, 15.. (it wasnt my apology to give, but, they were a part of my journey, and, I love them (friends in the old hood, how dont you love the ppl you grew up with).

My mother

Is white. But she also had her own story. And I feel for her now that we have a relationship, for the first time in my life (I had to learn in my late 20s, early 30s, how to have a mom. It's still ongoing.) But it seems she blamed herself also for my dads suicide. She thought she

Deserved it for letting her husband die.

It got even worse, and I started running away, refusing to go home until she dumped him. Hed find me, attack my friends and I'd use alllllll the shortcuts, get home... and still, furniture would get tipped, destroyed, flipped over - for

Defying him. (Wtf, seriously, but *rolling eyes*) .. and than m7 brother got older and when he was able to get beat, I'd make him run and I'd cause a scene. I'd take the beating because NO ONE TOUCHES MY LITTLE BROTHER. But me hahaha.

Once my mom couldnt handle the drama anymor

And she brought me to emerg, (and in pure gaslighting fashion), said none of it was true. It took 20 minutes with a dr, and he decided I was bipolar, and at 14 or 15, I was placed on a freaking COCKTAIL of meds. Trust me when I say, when we got home I took one look at her, and

The 5 bottles of meds and said "you wanna play with my life? I will too... let's see who wins".

The cops never did anything. Social services never stepped in. My family thought I was crazy. I had been living on and off with friends and family for years, and back with them again

I had my dr write me out of grade 9, and partied the entire year. (Idk how I missed 150 days of school and got 2 credits but...)...

She eventually broke up with him, for hitting 9n her sister and the neighbour. I used to feel like, she couldnt stand up to for her kids, but it

Took that? I was so mad. But I thought I'd finally be safe at home. Her one request though: I live at a friends, so he wouldn't blame me and beat me. So I stayed at a friends that summer, I was 15, Sarah (RIP hunny) and my mom broke up with him. The only condition? I drop the

Charges, so he could keep his job and he promised he would leave us alone.

I seriously hate courthouses now also. And needed kitchen immersion therapy for all the beatings I took in the kitchen.

So idk. Idk how to really "end" this thread. I know the cops in the situation and

In this city, at the time... they were all rasict also.

I know he died, and 8 went to his funeral. I only spoke to 1 of his 17 siblings, that I knew from the powwow trail. I got to stand over him and say : You. Didn't. Win.

I know my mother and i ate healing finally.

I know my

Best friends family tried, and my high school bfs parents who were foster parents, they tried too. I was probably the only person ever who begged to be taken away... seriously.

I know it took the 20 years of no episodes of mania to be cleared of that initial diagnosis.

I know

Drs wanted me to stay on my meds, because I was doing well and I had to argue to get off them after years of allergies and over therapeutic values having me mimicking seizures.. meds that made me black out for days, meds that gave me serotonin syndrome.

I know that when I asked

To be taken off them, I was pushing to find out what was really underneath. If there was something there, we could address that.

I know a child doesnt ever deserve abuse.

I know systems fail.

I know in my adult years, interactions with police have always been awful. Same with

The cops who interview cops in Ontario, also suck. And I'm happy the cases they interviewed me on, have all been overturned in court for failing to follow a person's charter rights.

I know this story isnt for everyone and I'm exposing stories that my family hates me discussing.

But its MY story, and they know I dont care what they say.

I know I'd happily lose my sanity keeping my little brother safe, all over again. Hes doing his dissertation soon. I know he doesnt remember it all... and I'm grateful.

So, yes. As the tweet that I've been thinking on

Since yesterday says: some of us DID learn to take it.

And I KNOW some of us hate cops. Whether light skinned Indigenous people, or any (check a box if you need too)...

And I KNOW it's on me to stop the cycles, and do better for my kids.

I know I lost my sanity getting my son

Help, and they let him get lost in the system with no checks in place.. and he hasnt talked to me in approx a year.

Cops have asked me why I'm stalking my son. They had 6 cops handcuff him while waiting for the cop/nurse team to do a wellness check, when he was 14. I've had cops

Ask me if anyone taught him how to get emancipated. I've had cops blame me, slam the door in my face after telling me "fuck off alexis"..

And I'm so exhausted, but I cant give up. Ever.

I'm happy they found out FINALLY I have cPTSD. I finally feel vindicated, like, yes someone

Finally believes me. It was all real. I've been unmedicated and woke up with trauma dreams puking in toilets. And, still, I wouldnt change it, because it made me who I am today.

But, theres a portion of us no matter our skin or race, sexuality, or what gender term you use... we

All see what our Indigenous, Afro-indigenous, Black, and many other minorities...

We hate the way systems work too... and that's why I will always stand up for people who dont get the privileges I get with light skin..

I mean, it may not be much to some folx, and I completely