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I’m going to talk of something that I’ve taken over a decade to talk about. It’s not easy and I don’t think it will ever be. But if I don’t get this out, I’m never going to be happy in any relationship at any point.
I met him when I was 23. A time when I didn’t believe I could be loved. When I felt I was unattractive and intimidating. Too tall and too large for a woman. He proposed. I accepted. This was when I was to leave for Paris in less than two months.
Looking back, it was the worst decision to make. A month into the relationship he started getting cranky. Kept asking if I couldn’t drop my Paris plans and get married. I refused. But promised to come back and marry him. In hindsight, I’m glad I stood my ground.
The next two years are best described as a nightmare. An inferiority complex, extreme possessiveness, abusive language, controlling behaviour. Everything pointing to a toxic relationship. Yet, I stayed. Through two years of a long distance relationship. And another 20 months.
I recall, I was napping in a friend’s room because he was out for a swim and we were supposed to make dinner together. He called on Skype and was absolutely furious that I wasn’t available. I spent the next six hours convincing him that I wasn’t sleeping with someone else.
I don’t remember how many times these incidents recurred. It was so routine that I spent more time begging and crying than I did being happy with him. Every time we would have a disagreement, he would turn him phone off and disappear.
He would threaten to leave and I’d beg him to stay. Till date, someone turning the phone off or blocking me off in the middle of an argument triggers panic attacks. I don’t think I’ve managed to overcome that one thing.
I cannot handle silences because I associate silence with punishment. I realise that I’ve carried the trauma with me for over a decade and that it’s affected all other relationships. But I also told myself one thing. I would never compromise my self respect for any man.
It’s taken me over a decade to realise that the toxicity has had a lasting impact on me. That I still have a problem with possessiveness, with controlling behaviour and with silence. You might wonder why a woman who’s ostensibly independent and smart must beg a man to stay.
It’s because he kept telling me I was lucky to have him. The fact is, nobody deserves to be treated that way and I’m realising this only now. I’m saying this, not because I want sympathy or advice, but because I need to verbalise and acknowledge what happened in order to move on.
And now that I have, I hope it won’t hold me back any more. /end of rant/
