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The summer after I started dating Susie were incredible, bc i had never felt so close to my parents, or accepted by my church. I was running retreats at 17, I was preaching weekly at 18, but dating a woman got me more acceptance in that church than Jesus ever did. (9/?)
In that way, I loved being in a relationship with her. Coupled with our genuine closeness, dating Susie became the best thing in my life. It is entirely possible to be attracted to what you get from someone, and not to the person themselves. (10/?)
Again, I can't state clearly enough - I wasn't trying to use her. I loved her, in my way. But my life was better when I was with her, and I couldn't separate those two things. (11/?)
Reason #3 - I liked myself better when I dated women. I picked up on all the social cues, subtle or obvious, from those around me. I had never been so accepted, so liked. For the first time in my life I felt not broken. Of course I liked myself more. (12/?)
I felt confident walking around with her. Even some of my queerness was made justified in that relationship - i didn't have to present more masculine than I was, because Susie got me the acceptance that masculine affectations would have. (13/?)
As you can imagine, the women I have dated have been really hurt by this. As I have come to grips with my sexuality, I have gone back and apologized to ex-girlfriends. Because the fact is, I hurt several women. (14/?)
And not just because we broke up. But because they felt so confused by my interest in them at first, only to have me, 3 months later, largely uninterested. This happened several times after Susie. I would meet a girl and feel a lot of the same things. (15/?)
We would feel close. I got excited. But then, it would hit me a month or two in that I wasn't really attracted to them, and I wouldn't understand why. This created so much confusion and pain for those women. It's my biggest regret. (16/?)
There is a massive amount of social pressure to date in the first place, and we need to do away with that. It gets people hurt. It's not real and fulfilling.
Anyway this was on my mind after some convos about intimacy and thought I'd share
Anyway this was on my mind after some convos about intimacy and thought I'd share
