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"Wait, If You're Gay, Why Did You Date Women?" A thread (dedicated to 48% of the people I've come out to) (1/?)
One of the most common questions I get after coming out to people is about my dating history. My last date was almost 3 years ago, but most folks have known me while I was dating women, including a 2 year relationship (this will come up, let's call her Susie). (2/?)
[for context, for much of my life I had zero self-conceptualization as gay. The most I admitted my sexuality was vague notions of "struggling with SSA", but the self-deception was real]. (3/?)
Reason #1 - loneliness. so much of how we understand intimacy in the US is just shoved into romance, and neglected in friendship/platonic love. Every experience of loneliness in my life suggested to me that I needed romance, not friendship. (4/?)
When I tried to suggest to people that my loneliness was due to poor friendships, that got twisted into codependence instantly. It was ok to need romance to be happy. It was not ok to need friendship. Since I was in denial about being gay, I NEEDED to date women. (5/?)
Reason #2 - People liked me better when I dated a girl, including my parents. I cannot emphasize this enough. (6/?)
Don't get me wrong. I didn't start dating Susie because I thought it'd get me attention. We were close, we got along amazingly well, we had an amazing time together... And since that was the best intimacy in my life, it just HAD to be romance. (7/?)
But. From the moment we spent enough time together to look like a couple, my life changed. My dad, a macho Brazilian man who was largely emotionally distant, was way more interested in me than he had ever been. There was suddenly part of my life that he related to. (8/?)
The summer after I started dating Susie were incredible, bc i had never felt so close to my parents, or accepted by my church. I was running retreats at 17, I was preaching weekly at 18, but dating a woman got me more acceptance in that church than Jesus ever did. (9/?)
In that way, I loved being in a relationship with her. Coupled with our genuine closeness, dating Susie became the best thing in my life. It is entirely possible to be attracted to what you get from someone, and not to the person themselves. (10/?)
Again, I can't state clearly enough - I wasn't trying to use her. I loved her, in my way. But my life was better when I was with her, and I couldn't separate those two things. (11/?)
Reason #3 - I liked myself better when I dated women. I picked up on all the social cues, subtle or obvious, from those around me. I had never been so accepted, so liked. For the first time in my life I felt not broken. Of course I liked myself more. (12/?)
I felt confident walking around with her. Even some of my queerness was made justified in that relationship - i didn't have to present more masculine than I was, because Susie got me the acceptance that masculine affectations would have. (13/?)
As you can imagine, the women I have dated have been really hurt by this. As I have come to grips with my sexuality, I have gone back and apologized to ex-girlfriends. Because the fact is, I hurt several women. (14/?)
And not just because we broke up. But because they felt so confused by my interest in them at first, only to have me, 3 months later, largely uninterested. This happened several times after Susie. I would meet a girl and feel a lot of the same things. (15/?)
We would feel close. I got excited. But then, it would hit me a month or two in that I wasn't really attracted to them, and I wouldn't understand why. This created so much confusion and pain for those women. It's my biggest regret. (16/?)
There is a massive amount of social pressure to date in the first place, and we need to do away with that. It gets people hurt. It's not real and fulfilling.
Anyway this was on my mind after some convos about intimacy and thought I'd share
Anyway this was on my mind after some convos about intimacy and thought I'd share
