How many of the lesbian trans women out there used to feel like "gay" fit better than "straight" back when you were in denial or closeted?

Was that just me?

Seriously, I used to think of myself as gay for girls and felt like a liar when calling myself a straight man or even just calling myself straight.

Because I'm an irredeemable faggot in reality.

I am absolutely 100% gay as fuck.

I remember at times I'd joke about how if I got involved with a guy that'd be straight.

How the fuck did I stay in denial?

I also remember in my teens being disappointed when a girl I had a crush on was straight.

That was weird.

Why, as an alleged straight man, did I feel disappointed when a girl I liked was straight?

I also never had any luck with straight girls, only bi girls.

Even when I looked like a typical straight guy, straight girls just didn't seem to like me.

One could theorise that it's because although I looked like a typical straight guy, I definitely didn't act like one in many ways.

In some ways I did of course, and I feel quite disgusted about those things now.

Testosterone is really really disgusting.

For me anyway.

My trans man Bros, and my cis Bros, you love the stuff of course.

But for me? Absolutely disgusting and vile.

Twisted me body and mind in awful ways.

Having the wrong hormones really really fucks you up.

Was talking to a friend earlier about the emotional state I was in just before coming out.

Basically, I've never felt such terror before in my life.

What terrified me was having it hit me that if I didn't do something, I'd be trapped as a man permanently.

In that moment I could see only two options:

Kill myself, so I don't have to keep living as a man any longer.

Or

Come out, transition, live as myself

I really didn't see any other options.

Living as a man any longer, not possible.

I had to be myself at all costs, or I had to end it.

I had been up and down with the denial for years - pretty much my entire life.

But in that moment, it just hit me completely and I lost the capacity to repress myself any longer.

I could not go back to the closet if I wanted to.

I had two previous suicide attempts caused by that feeling of being trapped.

When they failed, I was able to repress again and keep going for a while.

But that last time? Incapable of repressing again.

If something had convinced me that transitioning was impossible, I'd honestly be dead now.

Stopping me from killing myself would have been near impossible, because I'd devote everything I had to suicide.

I just can not live as a man, it's not possible.

This is not an exaggeration.

The most physically painful experience of my life was a kidney problem caused by medication side effects. It would flare up and feel like I'd just been stabbed and I'd at times be just walking down the street and then collapse.

That experience is what I compare all other physical pain to.

Emotional pain, I compare all emotional pain to the absolute terror I felt when I lost my ability to repress my gender dysphoria.

That level of absolute terror, I've never felt anything else like it and hope I never do.

It felt like if I didn't act, I would be condemned to being trapped in manhood forever.

A whole lifetime of repressed feelings about my gender all came up to the surface and I honestly couldn't see any options other than being myself or death.

Being a man was no longer an option.

Manhood would mean death.

Survival is the highest law.

I truly believe that.

I believe that life is a good and precious and wonderful thing that we should fight for with all we have.

I've raised money for aging research and signed myself up for cryonics, I've advocated for doing all we can to literally end death (or extend life as much as the laws of physics allow) to all who will listen for my entire adult life and most of my teens.

But to me, living as a man was still so terrifying a thought that I honestly weighed up in my mind my best options for suicide if transition turned out to be impossible.

Even now, when a bad dysphoric episode occurs, what keeps me going is the thought of surgery finally fixing my body so I'll finally be completely free from ever being remasculinised.

Until my testes are gone, I'm at risk of that he'll coming back.

All that stands between me and that absolute terror right now is my HRT.

If I lost access to HRT, my body would betray me.

Thankfully that's looking less and less likely, and I've actually got a reasonable stockpile of meds to prevent that from happening.

But still, I'm in danger until I get surgery.

If I lose access to HRT, testosterone will return and begin twisting my body and my mind again, and having tasted freedom I know it'll feel worse than it was before.

Even biologically speaking, my androgen receptors will likely respond more strongly after being blocked for so long - they'll upregulate.

So if I had my testosterone levels return to pretransition levels again, it'd be extra strong so to speak.

Longterm the only way to guarantee my safety is to ensure that the physical source of testosterone is gone.

There are two sources in the human body: the testes and the adrenal glands.

The amount produced in the adrenal glands is not sufficient to remasculinise me alone, thankfully.

But my testes? They easily could.

I've given serious consideration to getting an orchidectomy so that I have peace of mind that they're gone.

But that could also risk me being unable to get vaginoplasty later.

I've also during some dark moments pondered doing a DIY castration.

Some techniques undoubtedly work reliably, some are incredibly dangerous, all are risky.

Of course doing it DIY risks serious complications, it risks not being able to get SRS done professionally later and it risks being sectioned under the mental health act.

Some trans women who attempt it DIY have been known to succeed only to be dosed with testosterone anyway.

Doctors can have you declared mentally incompetent and withdraw estrogen and antiandrogen treatment and forcefully administer testosterone injections while also deeming you too unstable for pursuing medical transition via the GIC.

So DIY castration, even if I could safely do it physically, could ironically result in exactly the opposite of what I need.

Thankfully I'm sane enough to not actually attempt it.