This, btw, is something I identify with, and perhaps one of the things that helped save me from my abusers.

From a young age I've always had a good instinct for detecting coercive tactics. Specifically, I've always had a strong awareness of the action behind the words. https://twitter.com/LightRey/status/1287381825854287872

Generally, when people try to coerce you using words, they give you a seemingly even choice that, because of (social) context, is actually very one-sided. You're technically free to do whatever you want, but only one option (the one they want to get you to pick) seems realistic.

They trick you into these things by way of a specific framing of what's at stake. Think of AH telling JD nobody would believe him if he told anyone he, a man, was a victim of (her) abuse.

The antidote to this is a clear awareness of what's at stake and what your priorities are.

And an important part of that is recognizing that when you're being presented with such a scenario, they're essentially giving you the information that they're quite terrified of you doing exactly not the thing they're trying to get you to do.

Again, just look at what AH was trying to get JD to do, and what it is that he's doing that's now helping him: telling the world he was a victim of abuse.

So the trick is to respond, ideally immediately, by doing the exact opposite of what you're being coerced into doing.

It takes a bit of a leap of faith (though an awareness of how things would realistically play out helps); you need to trust in your assessment that you are indeed being coerced and your abuser is actually afraid of your ability to make free choices in your own interest.

This is also how they got me despite my instincts. You don't want to believe the person you love would coerce you. I could signal what they were trying to do (partially at least) but couldn't believe it was out of malice. I wanted to believe they were doing it for a good reason.

This is why you need to hold each other accountable in your relationships, and why you can't just focus on intentions to justify someone's actions. The behaviors are themselves the problem. Proper feedback will either teach people not to use them or reveal them to be abusers.

And this proper feedback is doing exactly not what they're trying to get you. It's a simple, behavioral signal that tells them: this doesn't work (and I know what you're doing).

So how did it still save me in the end? Well, eventually you reach a bottom line. I still recognized what they were trying to do, even if I didn't believe in the malice behind it. No matter how I rationalized their motivations, it still had to incorporate goodwill toward me.

Eventually, their actions simply no longer correspond to the assumption that there is no malice.

You can hear JD reach that point as well in the divorce tape: she was just a made up thing in his head, he realizes. Why? Because it was the only explanation left.

That bottom line is your lifeline. If all else fails, this is what protects you in the end: if they really care about you, they will prioritize your well-being when push comes to shove. If they don't, well, then they don't.

#JusticeForJohnnyDepp