Perfect example of befriending people who didn’t do any shadow work:

Found out a friend was talking about me behind my back but never told me they had a problem to my face. So I asked them about it

Initially they blocked me and refused to speak to me. When I finally got in touch with them they claimed they blocked me because my tone was too aggressive when confronting them.

Me: Are you sure it wasn’t because you felt guilty and fraudulent?

Them: Nope it was your fault

So what did I do? Thought to myself “well maybe my tone was too aggressive. Maybe I should learn how to address people calmly even after discovering they just spread my personal business to a group of strangers”.

And that’s what I need to stop. Taking on too much responsibility

Taking on TOO MUCH accountability because I’m constantly trying to grow as a person and my worst fear is having a “toxic” trait that I refuse to see and therefore can’t change. That opens up the door for a lot of manipulation, projection and gaslighting to be thrown at me

So then I address the person

Me: How come you never told me to my face that you had all these problems with me??

Them: I was just too intimidated by you

Me: intimidated by me how?? I constantly address my problems with you and ask you right then and there if there’s anything you need to address about me

Them: I just didn’t wanna cause problems. I’m just a people pleaser I guess

Also them: You just come across as really hostile and abusive. You told me yourself that you enjoy destroying people

Now y’all... they had me until that last sentence.

I started questioning if I actually do create a hostile environment where my friends (or people in general) don’t feel safe approaching me. Until that last sentence “you told me you enjoy destroying people” which was a blatant LIE. That’s when I knew I was being gaslighted

So you see how easily you can fall for people’s manipulative bullshit when you’re someone who takes far too much accountability.

Notice we shifted from why this person was talking behind my back and why they blocked me and now we’re focused on ME as the problem

This person had a “victim complex” shadow. Always playing nice to my face and telling me the ways other people were mistreating them. Then going behind my back and telling other people that I was mistreating them.

See how people not recognizing their shadow and not doing work to heal it can cause them to be disloyal and then have to be manipulative af to cover up their disloyalty??

This is why I say I don’t want any parts of people who haven’t done shadow work. I don’t have time for the bullshit. Had me really questioning my reality when I knew for a fact that I always invited this person to sit down and speak to me about their issues

And the crazy part is that through this whole situation I was still able to sit down and reflect on what I need to change. Despite their gaslighting bullshit, I somehow managed to find bits and pieces of the truth so I can continue improving myself

Because I def did have shortcomings in this friendship. And if this was a healthy individual, they could’ve told me these things straight to my face just like I did for them. But because they did no shadow work, I had to do the strenuous job of separating their wounds from mine

Is this person a bad person? No. Just a severely wounded person who needs to do the work to heal.

Moral of the story: do the work!