I want to say some hard things to whoever needs to read it. I left a dope job at VICE that had some dope ass people, and it still hurts like hell. I didn’t want to leave, and crying in a damn stall confirmed that. But mental health doesn’t care about your wants.

A friend of mines committed suicide last year, and at the time, I was already dealing with exhaustion. The exhaustion of having my experiences blend with the daily, monthly and yearly reminders of a society/readership that didn’t value black lives.

As BIPOC journalists, some of us constantly deal with maintaining our value. The world already does a good enough job of systematically undercutting that (much of which we expose ourselves to). And as a journalist, it’s easy to drown in all that shit until you’re just floating.

I was floating and I went on leave and nearly went broke via therapy to take care of it. When I came back, my therapist and I agreed that my sense of value needed to be repaired. Finding out how much less I was being paid was a major talking point, and it became a principle.

Blame it on “pivot to video” finances, etc. but I didn’t get the answers I wanted. No negotiation, just a flat out “maybe next year”, “work harder” with a promise that I’d have to write more to boot. For a company I still view as progressive and valuable, it still sucks.

I’m not okay even if I’ve been pretending. Media companies need to do more than diversity hires etc. What do you have in place to ensure that current and new BIPOC journalists are mentally okay and feel valued? Who can they talk to that can identify with their unique issues?

These problems that BIPOC journalists face are systematic. It shouldn’t be addressed with pamphlets and an expense that comes out of the pockets of their pockets. Do the systematic work so that new hires without “thick skin” can swim instead of just float. I’m done.