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Independence through the nuclear family is a lie we've all been sold -- queer and straight alike -- and it leads so many of us to a place of desperate, non-functional codependency, trying to get everything we need from our partner and to be everything they need in turn.
As queers many of us have some idea that we're inherently different, but the truth is that we've been raised to seek out or create these same dynamics. We have no alternative of our own until we build it for ourselves, which is hard, frightening, and vulnerable work.
The model I try to pursue is one of interdependence, acknowledging that all of us require some degree of care and support but that none of us can healthily find it in a single other person. This means radically changing the way we think about relationships.
My friends mean as much to me as my partners. I do my best to live this value. I am learning slowly how to avoid and extricate myself from codependent connections. I am learning not to model my connections or domestic aspirations on cishet society's.
It means giving up on things I was brought up to dream about and long for, and even the things I longed for in secret as a closeted girl, but it also means gaining a life that's uniquely trans and free of at least a little of the cis world's baggage and restriction.
I think it's worth trying.
