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A common form of anxiety is when you receive a mixed message. Some people are sarcastic, some passive aggressive, some shift a target, some use double speak. All generate anxiety in the listener because your brain cannot process opposite messages from one source.
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It takes practice, and usually takes reflection after the message was received to clarify that it is a mixed message. (ie, it takes practice to recognize it in the moment.) Once you do, the counter intuitive solution is to receive the preferred message & ignore the other.
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The most famous mixed message in history was from Khrushchev to JFK during Cuban Missile Crisis. Telex one night: 'we're pulling out of Cuba.' Telex next morn, 'we're going nuclear in Cuba.'
Whoa. What to do?
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Whoa. What to do?
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Bobby Kennedy suggested they ignore the message they didn't like and accept the message they wanted. So they telexed back and thanks Khrushchev for being willing to pull out of Cuba.
Oddly it worked.
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Oddly it worked.
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You put the anxiety back on the one generating anxiety and force them to clarify, rather than spin, trying to figure out what they mean.
Abusers and narcissists often use mixed messages to keep you off balance and it can take tremendous fortitude to stay clear.
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Abusers and narcissists often use mixed messages to keep you off balance and it can take tremendous fortitude to stay clear.
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I speak from personal experience, working for a pastor who continually sent mixed messages. He would paint a clear target and then punish you when you hit it. Yeah, that year was quite a picnic :)
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Target shifting is a common tactic used by bullies who feel powerless, which many bullies do. I've had a few meetings with congregants who enjoy pushing a pastor around. They'll bring an issue, you address it and they shift to an unrelated issue to keep you off balance.
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The key is clarity, and feeding back, 'now, that is not what we were talking about, you've moved on. I'm happy to move to this next issue, but have we resolved this issue you first brought up?'
Takes awareness and differentiation and the grace of God to do.
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Takes awareness and differentiation and the grace of God to do.
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