Survivors of sexual abuse/assault are never to blame.
There is no need to qualify or clarify this statement – it is clear as day. If you are uncertain, read my book Broken Pieces - "children don't sexually abuse themselves"

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or @CStreetlights' memoirs - we are NOT to blame for abusers abusing us. Remember that!

It is a key part of healing to have a deep-rooted belief in this truth. Abuse is damaging enough without ever thinking any of the fault lies with the survivor themselves.

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Sexual crimes are exactly that – violent and intrusive crimes which result in lasting harm to one’s psyche, and often a cloud of trauma.

However, despite abuse always being the fault of the abuser, society, court systems, abusers will often blame the ‘victim’.

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If we are a child at the time, this misattributed blame can become internalized and the survivor starts to blame ourselves, too.

Abuse leads to feeling shame, self-blame about the abuse creates further shame and ultimately can result in low self-worth.

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The self-worth and self-blame feed each other like a figure eight and unless one of them is challenged, this can lead to a perpetual cycle of “I caused this….I’m worthless…..this happened because I’m worthless…..” etc.

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Sound familiar? I know it does for me. How about you? This isn't conscious on our parts. There are other contributing factors as well...

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* The biggest mistake we make about self-worth is we think it is just a thought. That if we just change our thoughts that we are not worthy, we’ll be better.
* Negative thoughts are actually a symptom of low self-worth, not a cause.

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* When we are sure we can ‘think’ ourselves into having esteem, we are mistaking self-worth for low self-confidence.
* Low confidence comes from present-day challenges, like a job we don’t have the full skill set for

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or something we have actually messed up in the past and are worried we will mess up again, like a presentation.
* Our low confidence is rational. And we can then find rational ways to navigate it – get help on the speech from a colleague, or find a mentor.

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* Low self-worth stems from unresolved past experiences and emotions. Instead of a thought, it’s a BELIEF. Those past experiences led to negative beliefs about the world.

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* One emotion that drives low self-worth is shame. We feel ashamed of who we are and what we experienced

* The experiences that lead to having no self-esteem are what many of share and why we're here right now -

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* CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE One of the most common reasons for low self-worth is experiencing physical or sexual abuse as a child. In an attempt to understand what is happening, a child blames him or herself.

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* OTHER CHILDHOOD TRAUMA. This can look like a parent or sibling dying, a parent leaving suddenly, losing your home, being bullied, or anything that deeply affected your sense of self and sense of safety.

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* ACE’S. Adverse childhood experiences, or ACEs, are a psychological term for very difficult things children live through that might not always qualify as ‘trauma’.

This can include things like neglect, growing up in poverty,

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an alcoholic or sick parent, one parent being violent to the other, a family member going to jail, and your parents divorcing.

* POOR PARENTING. Blaming all our misery on our parents is not the best tactic. Often parents did the best they can,

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but didn’t have the right information/help/training.

* But it is true that poor parenting— frequent punishments and criticism, harsh standards, not being shown enough affection — is connected to low self-esteem.

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My parents swept the abuse 'under the rug' (this was the mid-70s) and told me 'you're fine' whenever I had panic attacks, anxiety, or migraines. They minimized or dismissed any kind of PTSD effects, not realizing it was related to the abuse

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I don't blame them for that - they had NO idea and I didn't either until my mid-30s when I started therapy. The low self-esteem definitely kicked in early on, despite being a gymnast and in cheer. It didn't matter. I still felt ugly. So sad how it affects us.

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The Joesph Rowntree Foundation, in a report on low self-esteem, states “the strongest influences upon self-esteem are the individual’s parents. Parenting style, physical, and particularly sexual abuse play a significant role.

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* POOR ATTACHMENT. Attachment theory says that in order to grow up to be an adult who can have healthy, trusting relationships, you need a caregiver in your early years who you can trust to always be there for you and accept you.

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Without this, we grow up not only with problems connecting to others, but with low self-esteem.

* NEGATIVE CORE BELIEFS. Again, a lack of inner worth is driven by a set of beliefs that we are no good, all created by experiences like the above.

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Negative core beliefs sound like:

* everyone else is better than me
* I am unlovable
* if anyone knew the real me nobody would want to know me
* something inside of me is broken beyond repair.

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What can actually help me like and value myself?

For starters let’s look at what WON’T help. "Positive thinking," pushing yourself harder, pretending you feel better about yourself than you do, ignoring how you feel, and hoping it will just go away.

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Low self-worth has deep roots, and deep roots require committed digging. There are methods you can start working with yourself TODAY.

These include:

* stream of consciousness journalling
* mindfulness

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* self-compassion
* learning to set boundaries
* a gratitude practice
* self-help books.

To truly move forward, seek support. Therapy.

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A professional counselor or psychotherapist creates a safe space for you to work through what is behind your low self-worth. He or she will also help you with integrating new ways of relating and being, that gently but surely raise your esteem.

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Some great articles to help you (and that we used in tonight's chat):

Healing the Shame of Childhood Abuse Through Self-Compassion https://buff.ly/2NvBHIi  via @PsychToday

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“Shame is the lie someone told you about yourself.”
—Anais Nin (attributed)

Self-Esteem | Psychology Today https://buff.ly/30yHjZz  via @PsychToday

The Real Reason Your Self Worth is Low - and How to Fix It - Harley Therapy™ Blog https://buff.ly/32G3bVt 

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