Today's Free Mental Health Corner: The concept of object constancy or object permanence -- knowing that someone exists even when they're not in front of you. It's what makes people cheat and also, hypocritically, worry that others are cheating on them.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/enlightened-living/200805/understanding-constancy-in-relationship

Part of what makes covert narcissists (this week's topic of my reading!) so difficult to deal with is that they have not only low empathy, but low object permanence...they cannot imagine a responsibility to anyone who's not right in front of them.

Today's Free Mental Health Corner is about flying monkeys: People who keep others attached to a narcissist by guilt, shame, "don't you know how lucky you are to have the narcissist's attention, anyone would want that," etc. Like narcissist stans, almost.

https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2019/07/narcissists-and-their-flying-monkeys/

When people talk about how hard it is to get out of the grip of a narcissist, part of it is the trauma bond at which narcissists excel, but also part of it is the social pressure - the "flying monkeys" that enable the narcissist's abuse or pretend not to see it.

Why would people behave like that? Well, like puzzle pieces, their wounds fit those of the narcissist. They may be co-dependents (or entirely dependent) or have anxiety and who have not healed. When people heal, narcissists lose interest in them.

https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2019/07/narcissists-and-their-flying-monkeys/

It's important that this article does emphasize that healing changes these dynamics. All of these issues are played out in patterns - circles of behavior, round and round you go, what Freud called repetition compulsion - so doing the work to heal is the way to break the cycle.

How do you heal? Therapy is a big one, because it offers guidance and validation. Most places have some form of free or low-cost counseling too. But if therapy isn't available, reading about these dynamics and becoming self-aware helps break the cycle and attract better energy.

Spirituality and meditation help too, if you're inclined to those in addition to becoming self-aware through reading. Brené Brown and Tara Brach are amazing and have many YouTube videos and books about liberation from shame and old patterns that create anxiety.

I will attach some books and resources later in this thread. And remember that the best path of healing is no-judgment. No one needs to identify with their past -- meaning, you don't have to be locked into a label. Almost can change for the better and heal a LOT with work.

Some reading (or listening). Lori Gottlieb's book is a great way to get used to these topics through narratives - it's a memoir with humor. The others are frankly, life-changing for a lot of people who read them.

And lastly, everyone should make time for Brené Brown's TED talk on shame, which drives so much pain, anxiety and hurt. Shame is trying to tell you something. Once you listen, it will release you. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

I am getting a big response to issues of covert narcissism and its invisible (VERY hard to spot) form of emotional abuse. So I'm adding more on that.

First, covert narcissists (aka closet narcissists) are attracted to people who are special; this elevates their own status.

So if anyone thinks that smart, attractive, charming people don't become involved with narcissists -- they do. Narcissists are attracted to high-status people, to empaths (more love for them to drain) and to vulnerable people (no one to oppose their control).

Some people come pre-primed for a covert narcissist. Anyone with a family history of abuse, eating disorders or other issues, and trauma will gravitate towards narcissists bc those targets have naturally learned to be people-pleasing or codependents.

Many people also grow up with narcissists as parents. This is often the case if the parent controlled the child, warned them to never "shame" the family, treated the child's mind or body as a reflection of the parent, or tried to live through the child. (Stage parents, etc)

If you have been in any relationship with a covert narcissist, or think you are one yourself, it's best to take the need for healing very seriously. You wud be a traumatized person. Your triggers would be shame and guilt and people-pleasing (always feeling you are falling short.)

There are patterns to how covert narcissists gain control over people. The narcissist wants control but DON'T want to be really responsible for anyone else.

1. Idealizing. They put their "supply" on a pedestal.
2. Lovebombing: Effusive declarations of love to hook the supply.

3. Devaluing: Once the "supply" has been hooked and the narcissist is confident their target will stay, the narcissist will disparage the supply, with everything from mean nicknames to undermining to disrespect. Disparaging body, clothes, or even character.

4. If the "supply" wakes to the abuse and starts to heal, the narcissist will first lash out with guilt and shame - "you'll never find anyone like me" - and then, if the person is fully healed, lose interest. They need people who are easy to control; healed people won't do.

5. Flying monkeys and hoovering. If the supply tries to leave, the narcissist will send "flying monkeys" (enablers) to harass and abuse that person until they come back. If the supply still leaves, the narcissist will "hoover" - try to suck them back in, for months or years.

Because covert narcissists are VERY hard to spot - they can be well-liked by strangers! - here's a quick video on what to look for.

You'll expect gaslighting, refusal to accept mistakes, blaming their "supply" for "making" the narcissist behave badly.

Remember that covert narcissists are not just in romantic relationships! They can be friends, colleagues, parents, bosses. The key thing is that they make sure no one except the supply knows how abusive they are. So the supply isn't believed if he/she speaks up.

A lot of this obvs looks like basic rom-com relationship nonsense. It's not. It's full-on trauma and it requires healing. You do that by 1) introspection and self-awareness 2) becoming "embodied" through yoga, dance, etc bc trauma lives in the body 3) therapy and/or meditation

As someone said to me privately: Meditation apps won't cut it. Neither will affirmations. Trauma lives in the subconscious and it lives in the body. It has to be seen and respected (by you, as an adult) and then you are liberated.

Also: Because narcissists either target co-dependents or RENDER people into co-dependents, it is important to NEVER try to fix them. Narcissists rarely change bc the way they cover their childhood wound of shame and neglect is "I'm special, I'm perfect, I can't be wrong."

A narcissist will never listen to you about how they need to change. Never. Ever. They have to decide to change for themselves. Trying to change a narcissist only gets their hooks deeper within your psyche - they are "living rent-free inside your head" to use the meme.

Also: Narcissists are not monsters. They are people who were deeply hurt as children. They are often incredibly sensitive, talented, charismatic and even...amazing. Their "supply" can be all of these things too. These characteristics can and DO co-exist. Humanity is complex!

Anyway I'll keep talking about this because I keep hearing that it resonates. I'm not an expert so I'm approaching this as info dissemination: Everything I'm sharing is a summary of the resources I link in these threads.