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Among the amazing responses to this question, a number of people have responded with advice about not trusting the wrong people. I'd like to talk a little more about that myself. (Thread) https://twitter.com/ShaulaEvans/status/1284607631353667585
I have been burned, badly, multiple times, by people I have trusted -- personally and professionally. The worst of those experiences were life-shattering.
If you are alive for a while, and you trust enough people, eventually some of them are going to hurt you. Of course they are! It's a numbers game.
For the longest time, when a situation went wrong, I thought it was my fault for trusting the wrong people: I should have judged people more accurately, anticipated problems before they happened, somehow pre-empted situations before they came to pass.
Now, on one hand, I hope I have learned from my experiences: I have slightly more (and different) discretion about who I trust, I can spot problematic patterns earlier, I'm more likely to trust my instincts, I have more tools at my disposal for dealing with bad situations.
On the other hand, I am finally beginning to understand (a little late in the game, if I'm being honest) that when someone treats me badly / exploits my trust / takes advantage of me, that's not my fault: I am not responsible for other people's actions.
I am responsible for my own welfare. I am responsible for my own decisions. I am responsible for communicating clearly and setting expectations with other people.
But I'm not responsible for what other people choose to do.
But I'm not responsible for what other people choose to do.
*I anticipate a lot of pushback on those last two tweets. Do us both a favor: don't share your knee-jerk responses just yet. Take a little time to sit with those ideas.
I am also aware that the very best things in my life, personally and professionally, have come out of trusting people.
So how do we build a life as creatives and as humans where we don't get hurt by trusting the wrong people?
You know how in creative circles we talk about embracing risk and failing faster?
You absolutely can not engage with the world and avoid trusting "the wrong people." It's impossible.
And if you stop trusting anyone to avoid getting hurt, you are in for a bleak and isolated life.
And if you stop trusting anyone to avoid getting hurt, you are in for a bleak and isolated life.
What we can do is: Mitigate risk. Do our own due diligence. Learn from experience.
And at the same time: Keep our hearts open. Accept the inevitability of failure. Embrace risk. Fail faster.
And at the same time: Keep our hearts open. Accept the inevitability of failure. Embrace risk. Fail faster.
I have been through some bad stuff in my life, y'all. I still choose to keep trusting people, to take risks, to live my richest and fullest life. https://twitter.com/ShaulaEvans/status/1285668703489720326
To wrap up this thread, I want to say a few things plainly and clearly.
If you trusted another person and in the process you got hurt, I'm sorry. That's awful. You don't deserve that.
If someone has trusted you and you treated them badly (which, being honest, is most of us at some point, despite our best intentions), you can learn and grow. You can make better choices. Hopefully you can find a way to make amends, too.
If someone has done wrong to you or abused your trust, that is ultimately their responsibility. It's not your fault.
You can learn from that experience and make different choices in the future -- and it's still not your fault.
You can learn from that experience and make different choices in the future -- and it's still not your fault.
If you've been burned by someone and you feel wary about trusting other people or you don't feel safe to trust anyone, that's understandable. I hope it's temporary. I hope you work through it. If working through it is hard, I hope you get the support you need so you can.
You can never fully eliminate risk and failure from your life. I hope you can make peace with that. I hope you can, moment to moment, find a level of risk-taking that works for you. (You can always adjust on the fly, it's okay: risk and trust are not fixed, they are situational.)
You can never spot all "the wrong people" in advance. Believing that you can amounts to blaming the victim (even if the victim is you).
Don't isolate yourself from adventure, success and happiness by being too cautious or fearful.
Live as large as you can. Take the risks you can afford to take.
Live as large as you can. Take the risks you can afford to take.
It might (might!) help to stop worrying about trusting the wrong people, and focus on trusting the right people.
I wish I could protect you all from all the slings and arrows of the world.
I can't. And neither can you.
I can't. And neither can you.
Build good, good-faith, two-way, healthy relationships with people, personally and professionally. That's a foundation for a good life.
Cut yourself some slack: sometimes you're going to trust the wrong people. It happens. It's okay.
Do your best to trust people who are worthy of your trust. Do you best to be worthy of the trust of others.
At the same time, keep taking (calculated) risks and living the richest, most rewarding life you can.
There's so much more to life than avoiding mistakes.
At the same time, keep taking (calculated) risks and living the richest, most rewarding life you can.
There's so much more to life than avoiding mistakes.
