Autistic people can become very good at masking our autistic traits. So often in situations where a friend thinks I’ve coped magnificently, there’s a hidden aftermath they will never know about. So here’s a little thread called “after that lovely time we had”...

After that lovely time we had at Westfield’s, I told you I would find the train station on my own, so you didn’t feel guilty leaving. I got lost in the shopping centre for 2 hours & went into sensory overload. I had a meltdown & sat on the floor sobbing. Nobody helped me.

After that lovely walk we had in London, the train home via my usual route was cancelled. I couldn’t work out how to plan a new route. I couldn’t remember how to walk to a different station. I had to phone my husband to drive an hour from Surrey to get me. I cried the whole wait.

After that lovely party you invited me to, I hyperventilated the whole way home panicking about everything I’d said & done & worrying I’d made mistakes socially. When I got home, I had to turn all the lights off & get straight into bed. I couldn’t get up for two days.

After that lovely weekend you stayed at mine, I was so stressed from masking for you non-stop that, even though I like you a lot, after you left I crawled under my desk like I was in an emergency drill & sat in the brace position until I was sure you weren’t coming back.

Please do add your own, #actuallyautistic folks

None of this means I don’t want to be invited or included. It means the reason you think I’m coping so well is because of what I choose to show you. You see one half - the fun half. You don’t see the price I pay afterwards. The same way I’d discreetly cover the bill for our meal.

The fact that I’ve paid for the meal doesn’t negate the fact that I’ve had a lovely meal. It just means it wasn’t free. That is how it is being autistic. There is a price for that lovely time we had & I don’t want to taint the aforementioned lovely time by telling you that.

Like, I’m not leaving the restaurant going “god that was expensive I can’t believe I paid that much to have a nice evening with you” so why would I do that with the energetic / emotional price? But don’t mistake that for it being easy for me / my difficulties being made up.

After that meeting we had where you gave me a life-changing career break, I was so exhausted, I didn’t tell my own husband that my biggest, wildest dream had come true until after I’d rested for several hours.