I like playing this fun game called “apply common evangelical theology to the actual Bible”

Evangelicals: God’s heart breaks over property destruction

Bible: *contains detailed accounts of God condoning property destruction*

Evangelicals: God won’t give you more than you can handle

Jesus: *gets crucified*

Evangelicals: There’s only male and female

Eunuchs: *exist*

Evangelicals: Sex with multiple partners makes you like chewed gum

King David: oh :/

Evangelicals: Only men should be leaders in both the family and in society’s highest roles

Deborah: *exists*

Evangelicals: I believe in the Bible, if you don’t follow the Bible then you don’t follow Jesus

Everyone in the New Testament who existed before it was composed: oh

Evangelicals: We’re all sinners worthy of hell.

Bible: As in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive.

Evangelicals: God helps those who help themselves.

Jesus: Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for the least of these, you did not do to me.